Express

Jokes

How does a chinaman express his opinion?

I chink that ....

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If people go to Art School to learn how to express themselves, where do doggies go?

Arf School!

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Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

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Why was the JavaScript developer sad?

Because he didn't Node how to Express himself

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I dont know why people say apples and oranges to express vast differences.

They both taste the same after brushing your teeth.

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Last night at Panda Express

Last night at Panda Express, our server was a Chinese guy. My dad kept pulling his eyes apart and swapping his l’s for r’s. I stood up and told him that was racist and he was a piece of shit.

And then everyone in the restaurant crapped.

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I just found out that "aargh is not a real word



I cannot express how angry that makes

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I bought a thesaurus online...

...and it just arrived. 

The pages are all BLANK!!!

I have no words to express my outrage

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My Jobs

I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick with it. I tried my hand at a career in tennis, but it wasn't my racket—I was too high strung. I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way. I got a job at a pool company, but the work was too draining. I was a historian, but I couldn't see a future in it. I took a job as an elevator operator—the job had


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Women rule the world. They decide to have a competition to choose which man will fertilize the entire female population. The the first trial analyzes men's ability to express themselves emotionally.

And Michael Scott has always been in touch with his feelings.

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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the French man says, in his thick accent, “In France, we have a lot


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What did the Soviet man say to express his views on the Soviet Union?

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A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"
"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And most if my pig sows have had large litters of piglets, and that's great!


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A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaimed the businessman.

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wedne


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Just found out that Aaaarghh is not a real word.

I can’t even express how angry I am at this.

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I just found out that Aaarghh is not a real word...


I can’t express how angry that makes me...

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How does a tank goldfish express its feelings

I hate this.
But I can't remember why.

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If you're a musician how do you express excitement about being booked to play at a popular venue?

Gig-ity!

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The Pony Express shouldn't have used ponies because they get tired easily

They really should have just ponied up and gotten horses.

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Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."


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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of


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A linguistics professor was giving his class a lecture

A linguistics professor was giving his class a lecture and said “In English a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

 



A voice from the back of the room p


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Scientists have proven that females can express their emotions better than males.

As a man, that information makes me feel...something...

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What makes you irrationaly angery?

When I can't express my anger in fraction.

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Why don't bisexuals eat at Panda Express?

Because they're always telling them to pick a side.

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Origin Story

"Now here is the story of how you came to be. You see, one day God created a beautiful rainforest full of trees and delicious fruits to eat and placed a man and a woman in it. They could eat all they wanted except for the apples on the tree of knowledge. Yet one day they were tempted and ate from the tree and released all evil into the world including the alphabet with which they could expres


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I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares.

But that's just my opinion.

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My wife lost my American Express....

I haven’t reported it stolen, the thief spends less than my wife does each month.

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I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout

All I saw was a bunch of lines

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My local theater put on a show about the development of speech to express ideas.

It was a decent play on words.

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Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

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How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

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Words could not express the sheer excitement fans felt after hearing Rick amp Morty was officially renewed.

Mainly because the fanbase doesn't exactly know how words work.

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How do Boston neo-Nazis express their viewpoint?

Cah-stickahs

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I lost my v-card last night, it was pretty awkward.

The hooker wouldn't take American Express.

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a prostitute.

He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.

The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his prostitute used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen t


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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."


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There are these three older gentlemen in their club....

...somewhere in the West End of London, and it's the late 1920s or so. They're sitting in the Chesterfield armchairs, drinking their beakers of port, smoking cigars, and generally chatting about life, and the conversation circles round to the great inevitable, and they start to wonder how they want to go.

The youngest, about 70 odd, says "I'm going to get into my


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Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

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If Hogwarts Express were to operate in the United States

Wouldn't that be American Express?

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How do you express that you're bad at life and thirsty at the same time?

You say "I feel juiceless."

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Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn't take off yet!


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So last night I slept with a married woman...

As I tried to scurry off before she woke up, she rolled over and exclaimed, "Where are you going?"

I calmly express to her how last night was great, but I'm not sure I can commit to one person right now. She seemed taken back and began to sob before quietly muttering,

"So this is your way of divorcing me, Robert?!"


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Why does Panda Express have a Twitter page?

[deleted]

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There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

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How do Germans express their gratitude for today's internet content?

[deleted]

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Four literary scholars are conversing over drinks after a day at an international meeting. As the drinks begin to take effect, the British expert begins bragging.

Four literary scholars are conversing over drinks after a day at an international meeting. As the drinks begin to take effect, the British expert begins bragging.

"Britain produced the finest form of literary expression in the sonnet," he says. "It's fourteen lines of perfect romantic expression."

The Irish scholar retorts "Ire


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I met a Thai Girl . . .

I met a Thai girl when I was in Bangkok I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.

She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Thai women express their hospitality!

But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what sh


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The common phrase to express somethings simplicity is

"its not rocket science...". But what do rocket scientists say to each other? "Come on Doug, its not.....sex."

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