Expect

Jokes

My wife says that she wants some authentic teacups for her birthday

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A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

​

^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to


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There's one thing I absolutely cannot deal with

and it's an incomplete deck of cards. Seriously Jeff, how do you expect we play poker with only two sevens?

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(Insert catching title here)

(Insert joke here)


Edit: Woah, did not expect that people would like this.

Edit 2: Thank you king stranger

Edit 3: Geez

Edit four: sorry my 4 key broke

Edit 5: so many edits.

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One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that insta


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I got my pizza hut and dating app all mixed up

so there's a vegetarian 8 inch on its way. i'm not sure what to expect.

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A panda is finishing up his meal at a restaurant.

When he is handed the bill, he pulls a deagle and nails the waiter in the stomach. He proceeded to walkout of the restaurant. What did you expect, they eat, shoots and leaves.

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A blonde and a brunette are watching the news.

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What did the bank robber say when the vault exploded?

wow didn't expect this to blow up, thanks for the gold!

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My dad prepared me pretty well for college

I don't even expect for my group members to show up to important meetings

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When I heard that sleep deprivation shortens life expectancy, I got a little scared,

But then I realized that it's fine because I'm not a woman and have no life in me to expect.

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What is the worst part of having a mental illness?

People expect you to behave as if you don't.

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How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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Laying down the law

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old


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Guy walks into a bar.

You expect it's going to be Ouch:

No, it's who the fuck put that there?

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A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs

When the man goes back to complain, the hooker says “Well for $10, what did you expect!” she laughs “Lobster?”

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Luck is a dick

It fucks you in the ass when you least expect it.


Post inspiration from

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Click for joke

.............
.............
.............
*Whistles*

..........


......
*Checks watch*.

.... ...

.... Oh!
Oh snap! I did NOT expect you to click ... Wow .. aw snap .. now I don't have a joke ... Shoot!


Oh I know! I'll ask my mom! She makes awesome jokes! After all ,


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Blind girl jokes

Blind girls are the best girls to fuck, cause they won’t expect the cumshot

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Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"Honeydew you expect me to change who I am? I Cantalope!"

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I dont know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

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How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books

without a Spine?

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A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

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A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

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A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

A man goes to a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK t


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Where would you least expect an inconvenience?

In a convenience store!

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What is wrong with modern society

So I opened a door for a guy and you would expect at least a thank you, but he just goes shooting out of the airplane instead.

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A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

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Biggest waste of 2018

I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.

So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.

None of us knew how to react or how to feel.

I should have never posted the video.
<


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Did you expect the invasion of Poland

Cause I did Nazi it coming

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Did you expect the invasion of Poland

Cause I did not see it coming

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Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously but theose responses usually fall flat. Can anyone help me with my witt or lack there of? I


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Did you expect the invasion of Poland

&amp;#x200B;

|Cause I did Nazi it coming|||
|:-|:-|:-|
||||

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Ha ha ww2 is sad

Did you expect the invasion of Poland

&amp;#x200B;

'Cause I did Nazi it coming

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A panda walks into a Chineses shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do that here you are going to pay for


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A panda walks into Chinese restaurant

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do that here you are going to pay for


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As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot.

To his surprise, every worker in the room begins packing up their tools a


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side. What the fuck else did you expect?

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn’t really matter. They’ll all just stand there and expect the world to revolve around them.

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A man goes to a $2 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker  laughs and says, “What do you expect for two dollars? Lobster?”

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Things don't always turn out the way you expect them to.

I always thought it it would be my mum who caught ME masturbating.

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My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the thrift stores and get her clothes back.

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What does a redditor and a terrorist bomber teacher have to say in common?

EDIT: Didn't expect this to blow up!

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As an experienced pirate, I love when new cracks are released.

I just didn't expect to have to deal with a crack for my tablet's touchscreen.

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Have you heard the news about the broken spaceship?

No I wouldn't expect you to, it really didn't take off.

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How do we measure planets?

With a scale, what else would you expect

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12 pounds of dynamite and nitroglycerin

EDIT: Wow, did not expect this to blow up

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Why are Christians almost never vegetarian?

Because they expect something to rise from the dead anyway 3 days after it's been killed.

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A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

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A blonde in a bar

John, a young man, enters a bar at 10pm, and sit next to a cute blonde girl. The news channel is on and they are diffusing a man about to jump from a bridge.

The blonde girl goes. « You thinks he’ll jump? »

John goes. « You know what, ill bet you 50$ bucks this dude will jump ». And put 50$ on the the bar. The blonde says he wo


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