Excitement

Jokes

I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

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Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."

The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash. Bagging it all up, he left and let his friends have their turn.

The second guy


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Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father checks the hotdog stand and searches the freezer for i


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Little Johnny and his parents

Little Johnny walked in on his parents having sex one night.

The next day, he asked his father, "What were you and mommy doing last night?"

The dad, in a quick flight of panic, proclaimed the first thing that came to mind.

"Oh son you see, me and mommy, we were just uh, making a cake together! Now go on and play."

Little Johnn


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Mom shouted, Theres fungi growing in the garden!

I jumped up with excitement, ran to the backyard, but my hopes were dashed—
Kawhi was no where to be found.

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A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally being free and can't hold in his excitement any longer. He starts shouting at the top o


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To my dearest wife...

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.

In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.

The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I'll catch the next one tomorrow morning", the husband agrees an


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Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was having fun like everyone else. So the boy goes over and asks her “Would you like to dance?&rd


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I don't understand all the excitement about those new black hole pics.

I have tons of it since years on my hard drive.

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Long NSFW One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this claim - anyone could falsify papers. May I try these apples in person?"


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I flipped a coin and said If its tails I have sex with you, if its heads you have sex with me.

I’m not sure if she was quivering from excitement or anger because I took her milk money

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I got an email today from a housewife: Lovely lady, 35, bored and looking for excitement, So I gave her a present...

Job Applications.

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A Baby is born!!

Doctor yells out in excitement " It's a Boy!"

Baby replies (cause babies can talk)
" How dare you assume my gender!"

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My gave birth yesterday and I farted out of excitement. The doctor looked at me and said,

"Have you ever been present at another childbirth?"

Me: I do have another child, but I couldn't come.

Doc: Oh you mean you couldn't make it?! hahahahaha \*laughs\*

Doc: srsly tho, how did you make it if you couldn't come?! \*laughs\*

Me: I became but never came.

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If you're a musician how do you express excitement about being booked to play at a popular venue?

Gig-ity!

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I asked my Chinese friend why they show little excitement and joy.

He said, “Because the happier we get the less we can see.”

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Free pup to a good family

He's a friendly pointer-terrier mix who is full of excitement and energy. He loves kids, but he normally gets kibble.

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A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and


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Penis Complications

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his abnormally large penis(15in). The doctor replies," If you wan't to make it smaller you must go to a magical frog and get it to say no. If it says no his penis reduces size by 3 in. So the man goes and finds the frog. Once he's there he tells the frog," Will you marry me?". The frog replies with,"no". His penis is dow


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What starts with F, ends in UCK, and usually means a lot of noises and excitement?

A firetruck

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On his Summer holiday, the insomniac couldn't contain his excitement anymore - "Guys...

...it's only one more sleep till Christmas!"

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Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself

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I successfully made a real clone that looks exactly like me

I'm beside myself with excitement.

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NSFWNot safe for family-type home either

So once a mother and her son are having sex.

Mother is really feeling him and in the "moment of excitement" she says \- "Ohhh...yours is so much bigger than your daddy's"

And the son replies \-

"I know, sis tells me the same!"

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My wife got mad at me today when I didn't notice her haircut when I got back home.

I told her, "Babe, I didn't notice your hair because that isn't something that I pay attention to. When I get home from work, it isn't your hair I'm wanting to see. It's you. I don't love you or appreciate you because of your hair. I do so because of the person you are. You can't expect me to come home and be excited that you cut your hair. If you want that


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Words could not express the sheer excitement fans felt after hearing Rick amp Morty was officially renewed.

Mainly because the fanbase doesn't exactly know how words work.

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I couldn't be happier with my wife.

As soon as I show any hint of excitement or passion she immediately shuts me down.

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A Hole

Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"

Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"

Student: "A hole"

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Engineering Student: "Professor, ..

Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"

Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"

Student: "A hole"

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Engineering student

Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"

Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"

Student: "A hole"

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a prostitute.

He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.

The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his prostitute used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen t


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A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he arrives to the light and screa


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I've always wanted a stable relationship.

But in my excitement, I always put the cart before the horse.

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Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says


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A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller remembered something important and told him, "This is a very religious horse and you have to


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Tired of an Elephant always destroying their colony, ants decide to eliminate him...

Somewhere in Africa, a colony of ants had enough of a particular elephant that would destroy their colony once it was built to its full glory. Tired of constantly having to rebuild, they decided it was time for action. One day, the leader of the ants gathered everyone and gave a marvelous speech:

"Today is the day we stand up and rise up above this pesky Elephant!"


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Who's your Daddy?

In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy?" instead of "Who's your daddy?" and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...

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NSFWish A boy was walking along the docks one day and came across a pirate ship...

He looked up and admired, in complete amazement, the beauty of the massive ship with all of the details and marks of a real life pirate ship. As if this wasn't enough, the boy then noticed a man sitting by the ship with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. He went up to the man and asked, teeming with excitement, "Excuse me sir, but is this your ship!?" The old ma


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Is she right or wrong?

A very young teenager, prepared to leave for school, on her very first day; and this is the mother instructions and warning to her;
MOTHER: daughter, when you get to school, be very careful, with male student, always sit like a lady and never allow anyone to see your underwear(pant).
DAUGTHER: yes mum.
Later that day, at noon, the girl returned with so much excitement, and from a


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Wooden Eye Vet

A war vet with a wooden eye goes to a dance for injured veterans. He can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a prosthetic leg. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and asks "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"


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A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local . . .

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He’s obviously quite excited about the man’s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The husband, noti


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A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and


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A girl is driving along the expressway

listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in he


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Inspector Jacques Clouseau was flying to Bangkok for the first time and was very excited...

...so as soon as it was announced that the plane was about to land in Bangkok, unable to contain his excitement, he started shouting,"Bangkok, Bangkok, Bangkok"...
Air Hostess: Sir, be silent.
Clouseau: Okay...Angkok, Angkok, Angkok!!

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I love to shave with a new razor.

It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.

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A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"

 

A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, tre


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As a final test to gain citizenship into the United States....

A Chinese man and a Mexican man were required to use the the words: Green, Pink and Yellow in a sentence.

The Chinese man went first and said: The Grass is green, there are Pink flowers in the park and the sun is Yellow.

Great! said the agent, than looked to the Mexican man for his use of the words.

With excitement the Mexican man said(with an accent): When


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David Copeprfield brings a girl home

They enter his bedroom, and start kissing.
“I’d like to show you a magic trick, he tells her, would you like me to ?”
“Yes, she exclaims with excitement, sounds awesome ! What is it ?”
“I fuck you and you disappear” :p

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News this week: late night comedians everywhere are giddy with excitement as Donald Trump announces that he will consider running as an independent candidate.

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I was digging a hole in my backyard...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold coins. In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole.

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