I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.
My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.
Three men and a woman traveling on a train...
They talk and quickly the topic becomes quite hot and erotic. So the girl proposes:
\- If each one of you gives me 5 euros, I'll show you my thighs.
Immediately the men take 10 euros from the wallet and give it to her. She lifts up her skirt and shows her bare thighs. Then she makes a new proposal:
\- If you each give me 20 euros, I'll show you my a
Are you an electron?
...because I wan't to take you to an excited state.
Only 4 fingers
Mr. King had gained a lot of fans after his announcement
Just had an insight that got me excited
**I'm just two people short of a threesome**
People who wear glasses must be so excited for next year....
A young man is looking in the classifieds for a motorcycle.....
He finally finds one he has been looking for and eventually meets up with the owner. An old man in overalls greets him and says, "Here she is". The young lad cant believe it, its the bike he has always wanted and its in pristine condition. They have some small talk about bikes and riding stories. The old man finally says, "I'm going to sell you the bike, I'm getting too ol
Did you hear about the man who got job as a human cannonball?
He was so excited he went ballistic.
Soon same-sex marriage will be legal in India. Raj, a homosexual in Bangalore, is all excited about having a big fat wedding. All he has to do now is to wait until...
his parents find him a match!
People with glasses must be excited for next year
People who wear glasses must be really excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
Timing is everything...
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.
It's the first time they'll see 2020.
After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...
The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you can see, I have no arms, therefore I can't beat you, and I have no legs, therefore
4 years ago I got gonorrhea and a surprising amount of people were weirdly excited for me when I complained about it.
It's back again and I'm looking forward to all the support when I tell people that I feel the burn.
When a young Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Music Appreciation class...
each student was asked to give a presentation as their favorite composer. Being a huge fan of Mozart, Arnold was very excited to turn in his request. But much to his dismay, the teacher told him "Unfortunately, someone else already chosen to be Mozart."
To which Arnold replied, "No worries...I'll be Bach!"
An Iraqi girl was due to start school in 2 weeks
The young girl was eager for the school year to begin, but she needed a knapsack to carry her books. The girl excited approached her father:
"Can you buy me a Baghdad?"
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old Ill be in August! I said, Oh I dont know princess, why dont you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...
... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man walks into a McDonald's restaurant.
The cashier there notices his happiness and ask him why he's so happy to which the man responses with "I just graduated from Harvard, I'm excited to get a good occupation."
The cashier shakes his hand, "I'm also a Harvard graduate."
Did you see the preview for the new Stephen King movie?
I’m excited to see It
Why was 50 excited?
It's in Area 51
I heard they were making another Thor
I’m so excited Thor Thor Thor
Im so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!
I’m getting a woody.....
I went to my orthodontist for my 3 month checkup
It's a small practice, he makes some money on the side doubling as a psychic from time to time.
I sat down in the chair excited for my appointment. I quickly yelled "Look at my teeth! there has been so much change in only 3 months." He replied with "Yep, and there will actually be much more change in the next few months." "Oh my" I said excited, &qu
Men vs Gorillas
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the go
Why do mass murderers get excited for halloween?
Because they get to carve something legally.
So excited to announce that Ive finally gone viral!
I have bronchitis.
The Scottish Cow
Lil' Jason goes to the farm of his uncle for vacation. At the farm he sees a cow for the first time. After watching it for a while he runs to his uncle, completely excited, and says, "Hey uncle!!! I didn't know you have a scottish cow!!!" And the uncle replies, "What do you mean?"
Jason answers, "Come on! Don't tell me you haven't noticed the bag
I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
I need everyone to wish me luck...
I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask.
A woman goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a cute little object on the sand. "It's a lamp," she says to herself and starts rubbing it gently.
The lamp gets bigger and bigger. She is very excited to see that something is happening. After a bit, it spills some oil and a genie comes out from underneath the sand.
1) "who's there?"
1) "Wu who?
2) "I'm excited to see you too bro... Woohoo"
James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He cant help himself, and asks him what his secret is.
“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bed.
I called a suicide support line in the middle east
They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the U.S by boat
and one says to the other “I hear that they eat dogs here”.”Odd”, her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the americans do.” Nodding emphatically one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.”Two dogs pls” she says. The vendor obliges and wraps both hot dogs in a foil a
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble.
The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."
The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."
The doctor says, "Mine is.&qu
I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today!
He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!
A young man walks into a bar and orders 3 doubles of cheap vodka and downs them immediately
“What are you celebrating?” Asks the bartender
“My first blowjob”
“Congratulations! How about another on the house?” Offers the excited bartender
“No thanks, if three won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”
Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?
I'm head over heels!
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
My wife send me a pic of her holding a positive pregnancy test today...
She said “omg, is this positive???!!!”
My heart instantly started beating over 180bpm and i freaked the fuck out.
She didnt respond for 20 minutes.
20 minutes later she texts back “omg im gonna have more work to deal with soon! Yay!!!!”
And im like “omg this cant be happening. How the fuck r u so excited?! We cant
My future son in law just recently proposed to my daughter.
She was very excited, and called me the morning after. She asked me to come over, and I did.
When I got there, I told them congratulations! Hewas a good man, albeit a bit weird at times. I was very excited for the both of them, until my daughter pulled me into the other room and showed me her ring. She was crying.
It was simple; and like I said, my future SIL was a
A dog is always happy to see you
They get excited and run up to greet you at the door and bounce around happily whenever you come home. Human equivalent mental age: 3.
A cat doesn't give a fuck and is tired of your shit. Human equivalent mental age: 40
I called the suicide prevention hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.
Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.
Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.
He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.
Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.
NSFW - The rape game
Man: "You want to play the rape game?"
Woman, disgusted: "No."
Man, excited: "That's the spirit!"
World's Most Gullible Man
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, "Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?"
The local replies *"No Sir, I have not."*
The man explains how he had "Won the title of the World's Most Gullible Man".
The local remarks
3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you
The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams “1000 PILLOWS”.
Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall
The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams “1000 pounds of feathers!”
Sure enough the kid lands safety on 1000