Excessive

Jokes

A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

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What does an Australian who poops an excessive amount have?

A bidet.

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Do not steal my car

This shabby guy comes up to me branding a knife and said “give me your car or I will kill you”
So I shot him. Now they want to put me in jail for using excessive force.
Well I did not use any force, I did not even touch him.

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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.

The parents were trying everything to get him to stop. One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed, the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.

He had been good for a bit so one day his parents allowed him to go to a friend's birthday party. They remind


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What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?

Turnip

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Why did the 2-Horned Unicorn keep getting sent home from work?

Excessive Horniness is inappropriate in the workplace

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When God Created Spiders:

God: Make it have 8 legs.

Angel: Okay? A bit excessive, but you're God.

God: and 8 eyes too.

Angel: You need need to calm down a li-

God: give it a butt rope!

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Having excessive mixed drinks isn't the answer...

... but they are solutions.

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You know when they say black guys have big dicks.

Mine’s been called excessive.

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What do you call a librarian with OCD?

A book-carrying, dominating, excessive figure.

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My boss held a meeting because of my excessive absence.

But I didn't attend it.

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Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

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A cop pulled me over while I was riding your mother last night.

I'm glad I had my Class C for excessive gross weight.

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Fucking rain

Humans and rain dont have understanding between them.....
Lyk we wait for rain to drop for lyk 8 months....n this fcking rain cant wait for 8 mins when m walking my way to home...
Also when it doesn't rain we give bad words to rain .... which worsen our case when rain reacts to it n not rain at all.....same is the case when there is excessive raining...


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I don't know how I feel about all these new Iphone versions?

It seems like they have a new one every year. Isn't that a bit XSive (excessive)

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I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

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Paying for video game skins is like paying for 2-ply toilet paper

It's excessive, but good for assholes.

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The ministry of excessive resource usage called.

Seventy-three times.

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Whenever a guy question me about my excessive washing, I alway say:

“It’s my Lifebouy”

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Rapper 6ix9ine was beaten, kidnapped, robbed and hospitalized, now I think that's excessive.

They shoulda stopped before the hospitalized part.

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Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

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Due to excessive heat the fasting of Ramadhan has been cancelled

Lol

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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw it, one to support him and one to condemn the other two for using excessive force.

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For all the mildly excessive deviants

Happy PI Day!

Although, I expect you have already started with the St. Patrick's Day celebrations.

 

 

And now I'm wondering about inviting St. Pie Trick to the next party.

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Police do a good deed

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows “not all cops are in that category”.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX. which reported finding a man’s body last week in the Pedernales River near State Hiwa


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My wife told me she's leaving because of my excessive gambling...

But I'd bet you 20$ she'll be back in an hour.

40$ she'll say the same thing tomorrow.

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Donald Trump eats excessive amounts of fast food and drinks too many fizzy drinks while not touching alcohol or smoking cigarettes.

[deleted]

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I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

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The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fat


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I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.

Excessive choking.

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Wanna hear a joke about Reddit?

This thread has been locked by the moderators due to excessive off-topic posting. [M]

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I finally mustard up the courage to tell my gf how I felt about her excessive sausage consumption

Things took a turn for the wurst

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What's the difference between minecraft and the LAPD

One is known for use of excessive force, while the other is more prone to excessive forts

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What do a roadway, for coworkers in the same car, that goes underwater and discomfort in the wrist from excessive computer use have in common?

carpool tunnel

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Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

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Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

If you do, please give me a shout.

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Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs...

He used excessive force

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If you want to use excessive force and get away with it too.

Just join your local police force.

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What's the difference between love, pure love and excessive love?

Blowing
Swallowing
Gargeling

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Two old friends run into each other at a bar

Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other "Nice to see you, you're looking really good. Have you lost weight?" "Yeah I have, actually." says the other friend. The first friend asks, "How did you manage to get so fit?" The friend replies "Well, I'd like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise...but the Judge clai


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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating.

I tend to see the wurst in people.

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Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do


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Excessive Skepticism

A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."

Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.

I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top o


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I heard that excessive masturbation causes skepticism

But I'm finding it hard to believe

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Twice a Day

This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit excessive."" and


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If one drinks excessive alcohol they are an alcoholic, so if one drinks a lot of Fanta...

... does that make them fantastic?

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