Excellent

Jokes

Why would Bret Stephens make an excellent spy?

Because as a bed bug, he is usually under cover.

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My wife came home a long flight and said that Delta took excellent care of her

Later I found out his name was Delta Ding-A-Ling

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Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

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A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

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TIL, as well as the more common "frogs legs" a rare French culinary delicacy is the tiny, engorged penis of the male frog...

Boner petite!

(Inspired by the excellent, and often hilarious sub r/boneappletea)

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I keep bees for the fur, not the honey

The pelt is excellent for pea cosies and the flesh is packed with vitamins

Mainly Vitamin B

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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

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And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just felt so bad for the waitress that I had to share this profound truth with her. She seeme


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What's an excellent book for curing depression?

Les Misérables

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I have excellent chemistry with the girls I stalk these days

By chemistry, I mean the reaction of 8-methyl-*N*\-vanillyl-6-nonenamide with my eyes.

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Aye yo I heard yo Mama on that seafood diet

And that seafood is an excellent source of top quality protein, which has helped lower her cholesterol and reduce the risk of heart disease.

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Aye yo I heard yo Mama on that seafood diet

And that seafood is an excellent source of top quality protein which has helped lower her cholesterol and reduce the risk of heart disease. 

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I was a good speller in school I even got an A

A For excellent

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I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today

On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.

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I went outside today.

The graphics were excellent, but the storyline was terrible.

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I am an excellent ornotholgist.

I can spot great tits from miles away.

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Greatest Of All Time!

After numerous losses, the team's management started blaming the excellent footballer who had fled the team last season

He was being made the escape-GOAT

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I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

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I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

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Deaf people make excellent gynecologists.

They can read lips.

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I know an untidy guy whos excellent at playing soccer.

What a Messi guy.

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Two antennas got married...

The ceremony was ok but the reception was excellent

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A policeman knocks at the door

A man opens it, and the policeman tells him with a serious expression:.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife was ran over by a truck.".

"Yes I know, but she has an excellent personality!"

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The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in approval and says “Excellent trade, sir


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Insurance agents go to an old woman's home

A couple insurance agents go to an old woman's home after a strong storm blew down her fence and flooded some of her home.

As they sat down and chatted with her, one of the agents noticed some peanuts in a bowl on the table and tried one. As he did, it was one of the best bits he ever had.

It started out as a couple, then promptly more and more and before he knew it


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My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

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A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned

10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.

Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.

And by the way, excellent job polishing those glass doors!


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Bird watchers

Non bird watcher- “what was the highlight of your European vacation”

Bird watcher- “ I had excellent views of some Great Tits”

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Wife told me she has an excellent platelet count

'coagulations'

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Girlfriend said These ducks look confused. We are confused. Therefore, we are ducks.

To which I replied, “babe, you are excellent at deduction.”

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Two antennas met at the roof.

They fall in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't that much, But the reception was excellent....

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Two antennas meets at the roof.

They fall in-love and got married. The ceremony wasn't that much, But the reception was excellent.

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Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

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Two girls one cup

It was the perfect day. There were hours of build up. But it was finally playtime. It started of slow but got heated up pretty quickly. They were using all their strength. Each time the noises they made getting louder. Ahhh! Ooo! So much pain. Both sweating. People watched all over the world and via the internet. Unbearable to watch. But they were an excellent couple. It was the perfect match. The


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After sex a prostitute asked her John how it was.

He replied excellent! You excreted my expectations.

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People who are camp counselors and George W. Bush supporters are good at PUBG.

They're excellent campers, and am Bushers.

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This joke has an excellent punchline

But it isn't here

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Did you know R Kelly trained to be a violinist from the age of 6?

Even back then, he was an excellent kiddie fiddler

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A third grade teacher told its students, "Everyday you behave correctly, I will come with one less part of clothes on.

All the students were in so much excitement and eager to see if the teacher would do, so as expected, they behave perfectly the first day. So the next day, instead of coming in some jeans and a sweater, she came in a skirt and shirt.

This kept on going for a couple days, until the teacher even came in her underwear. That day, the students behaved excellent, so the next day she came wi


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An englishman a frenchman a spaniard and a german are watching a street performer

an englishman a frenchman a spaniard and a german are watching a street performer doing some excellent juggling. the juggler notices that the 4 men cant see him very well so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out “can you see me now?”

“yes”
“oui”
“si”
“ja”


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I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condoms never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Docto


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Terrorists would actually make excellent farmers...

I mean, they already have all the fertilizer they would need for the job!

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Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?

The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

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My auto mechanic offered to give me the good news first:

"Your glove compartment and sun visors are in excellent condition."

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I was told to tell the joke about my broken fence here.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
My broken fence
My broken fence who?
My broken fence is an excellent hallway.

Anyway I’m hopeful it gets fixed soon. I’ve heard a lot of stuff gets reposted here.

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How good was PowerPoint in the presentation?

He was EXCELlent

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A man dies and meets God

God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything."

The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?"

God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle"

The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"


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A man dies and meets God

God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything."

The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?"

God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle"

The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"


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Ashes to beans

Three gay dudes die and later their lovers are talking:

\- "My John liked to fish, and his ashes will be poured into the lake!"

\- "My Harvey liked to hike, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in the mountains"

\- "My Peter was an excellent chef, so I'll put his ashes in a pot next time when I'm making baked beans, so he


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Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

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