Enemy

Jokes

Raise the mast

The Commander of the Submarine knows that they are cornered inside a bay. Behind them land, port land, and starboard land. But in front is the enemy fleet. The crew is shaking with fear.

He has a plan but needs to know exactly how many ships does the enemy have.

He calls out to one of the crewmen "give me an accurate count of the enemy"
The crewman rais


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Moral support

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In World War II ...

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My friend's only advice is all women are the enemy...

Me: So there's a Pacific and Atlantic Front?
Friend: We storm D-Day one day they will never see it coming!

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What's a pirates greatest enemy?

1xbet

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How do you knock wartime enemy cats out of the sky?

Catflack!

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German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how to behave in every said country.
If you'd see one on the street you


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How do you make your anti-vaxxer enemy leave you alone forever?

Give them a handshake then show them a picture of snot on your hand

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Campfire stories.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "We navy seals


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A Soldier is calling his superior at Midnight

He is angry because he is woken up, and starts yelling at the Phone:

"Major Simmons here, what do you want?"

" Hello Sir, Private Thompson. I want to report that Ive managed to capture 30 Enemy Combatants!"

"Well, congratulations son. Whats the Hold up? Bring them to the Base."

"Well, I'd really like to, bu


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What do you call the troops directly behind the French army's front line?

Enemy

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What is a chameleon's worst enemy?

A tongue twister

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "Well we navy seals are so tough, one time I swam u


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I don't want an identical twin...

I would wish that on my worse enemy

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A group of french soldiers are stranded in the middle of the Sahara desert and are desperate for water and food...

In the distance over a sand dune one spots something: “Zere iz an oasis!”
The group run over but it was just a mirage.

The soldiers keep walking and just as things were getting more desperate one calls out: “Look! Iz zat an icecream truck?!” Unable to believe their eyes the group run to the top of the dune but realise they are all hallucinating and there


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The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on peoples yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

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What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?

He got bombed.

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Death bed-Joke

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."

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A redditor decides to join a fencing club.

On his first spar, he parries his enemy and says: "you can't hurt me! I've learned how to repost!"

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What's the Karen's biggest enemy?

The Vaccine man

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Any plane is a bomber if you fly it right...

Right into the enemy that is.

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To beat an enemy, you must

Sea anemone.

Good (insert time of day here)

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CAPTAIN SMITHERS



In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,

"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he&#


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A young man joins the army. On the first day of basic training, they tell the recruits:

"Due to budget cuts, we don't have money for rifles. Therefore, you will point this stick at the target and shout 'BANGETY-BANG!'"

So that's what they do all day. BANGETY-BANG! BANGETY-BANG!

The next day they tell the recruits: "We don't have money for bayonets either. We want you to tape these plastic forks to the end of your s


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Bangity-Bangity (long)

A young man who had been raised to be deathly afraid of guns was drafted into the army. He was ordered to overcome his fear or face perpetual KP duty. So, he went to a hypnotist who convinced him he would never have to fire a gun. "Just point your finger and say, 'Bangity-Bangity.'"

When in battle, the frightened soldier discovered it really worked. He pointed his


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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then wishes for a grand mansion. "Your worst enemy gets two mansion


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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in t


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What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

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The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

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I opened my windows and let all the mosquitoes in.

Then i closed the windows and slept outside. It's called 'confusing the enemy.'

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A soldier and his commanding officer are in a bunker.

*The soldier picks up his binoculars and scans the horizon.*

Soldier: "Sir! Enemy troops spotted! They look really... little."

Officer: "Soldier, keep me informed!"

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Some time *passes.*

Officer: "Status report soldier!"

Soldier: "Sir, the enemy troops look a little big


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The new French tank has 6 gears: 5 for going backwards and one for going forwards.

You know, just so if the enemy attacks from behind.

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My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread Gods arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

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John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me


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Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside.

This is called confusing the enemy

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Why does the military use acid..

..to neutralize enemy bases.

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Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

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A captain

A captain is on the deck of his ship looking at the ocean when a shout from the crows nest comes down a enemy ship on the coast captain he turns to his first mate bring me my red coat the battle was fierce but they made it out alive the first mate walks up to the captain and he asked the captain when we were about to go to battle you asked for your red coat why did you do that he turns to him and


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I just perfected my new high-tech camouflage that completely conceals you from enemy view.

I call them Not-Sees.

EDIT: Never mind. Just realized that’s a terrible name.

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I like my life like I like my coffee

Enemy: do you not like coffee?😁😁
Me: I like it dark

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Do you know what the heterosexual elevator repairman got for his birthday from his enemy?

He got the shaft ;)

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A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female attractive nymphomaniacs." - Poof! The wish was grant


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What did the dickhead tell his enemy?

Don’t hit me, I cum in piss

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Once, a man was offered 5 million dollars, but on one condition.

The condition was that his worst enemy would get 10 million dollars.

The man answered in no time " of course I will take it, I would like to have those 15 million dollars!"

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire f


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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249."

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The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar."

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The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.


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Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."


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A samurai goes to his sensei for advice...

A samurai goes to his sensei for advice to beat his enemies. He says, "Master, help me defeat an enemy of mine!"

"Hmmm... What is his nationality?" asks the sensei deep in his thoughts.

"England"

"Son, you should fight him the British style."

The samurai gets the hint and goes to the battleground. He poison


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Balkan countries usually have one common enemy

Themselves

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted', and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horr


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