Empty

Jokes

Diogenes' thug Life

Plato was discoursing on his theory of ideas and, pointing to the cups on the table before him, said while there are many cups in the world, there is only one `idea’ of a cup, and this cupness precedes the existence of all particular cups. 


“I can see the cups on the table,” said Diogenes, “but I can’t see the 'cupness'”. 


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I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

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Why do leaves change color in Autumn?

Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

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So a guy wants to live on a Danish island...

He finds that the island is empty.

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Went shopping hungry

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When I was young

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My dictionary had was empty

I had no words

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Why cant you lie on an empty chair

Because then da seat full/deceitful

I made this joke idk if it is any good

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

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I spent down to my last dime to buy an abandoned gold mine which turned out to be all mined up.

Now all I have to show for it are empty pockets

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The


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My dad is an empty bottle collector.

Sounds so much better than alcoholic.

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See you at the rally!

https://www.out.com/politics/2019/8/22/17-year-old-trolls-trump-thousands-empty-seats-rally

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What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight reflected off the moon. He had a lot on his mind, since he was not only recently married, but he had a


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Why are there no pharmacy stores in Ethiopia.

Because you shouldn't take medicine on a empty stomach.

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Why is EmptySeatMAGATour becoming more popular on Twitter with The Donald crowd?

The empty seats are less empty than the occupied ones.

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My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

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A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She said,“ i think i can drink 15 bottles of beer with an emp


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Vacuum cleaner

When you empty the vacuum aren't you the vacuum cleaner?

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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"


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A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house.

They saw teo people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”


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True love lasts forever.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this


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I have a massive savings account.










It can hold millions. Shame it’s empty, though.

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Two patients escape from a mental hospital...

...Needing money to get out of the area, they steal some clothes from a house and shotguns from a gun club, turn them into sawn offs, and go to rob a bank.

Walking into the bank, they wave the sawn offs around shouting "This is a robbery! Empty your pockets!"

The teller takes one look at them and says "You two must be the escaped mental patients."


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An optimist and a pessimist were at a bar

When the beer was halfway done the optimist sat a its half full now. The pessimist says nah I think its half empty. The drunkard says who are you people and why are you staring at my beer.

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I have a massive bank account

Too bad it's empty though.

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I woke up this morning and all of my bank accounts were empty!

Not sure what happened. First thing I’m doing is calling my accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.

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Original Groaner - Youll Never Get Your Time Back A poor boy is wandering the streets of Tehran in search of food...

When suddenly he sees a soothsayer holding a sign that reads “a riddle for riches,” and nothing more. Curious, the boy joins the long line of villagers that have gathered to seek the meaning of the sign. The boy watches in frightened wonder as each person in line appears to have a brief conversation with the soothsayer before instantaneously disappearing in a cloud of smoke. Before lon


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My grandpa left band because he was embarrassed to empty his spit out of his instrument...

He played guitar

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Two rednecks at a bar

Well, these two rednecks were sitting at a bar, and they decided upon a grossout contest. They quickly went through the run of the mill shit; stale beer, pickled eggs, bar food that’d been sitting untouched for ages.

One of them pipes up and says, “this is for the win. Go over yonder and take you a swig of that spittoon.” Not fixin to back down, his opponent swagger


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Space isnt as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday,I will stop having sex with my neighbor, I will be honest and forthcoming with my wife and will never lie again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found on


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Why did the man put an empty glass of water and a full glass of water besides him before sleeping?

Because he may drink and he might not drink.

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I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog...

It was a Shih Tzu.

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If I harvest the organs of the king's comedian

But apologize, is all that's left an empty jester?

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Q: How do you stay warm in an empty room?

A: Go stand in the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.

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My piggy bank is empty.

No change there.

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I made a mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach.

I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.

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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Certainly not 7, cuz my basement's still empty...

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Jake, a Baseball fan buys expensive seat ticket for MLB playoffs game

His seats are too high up and while looking down he sees the box seats right infront of the first base, where only one man was sitting there during the 1st and 2nd innings, 3rd and 5th innings pass, those seats are still empty, 6th and 7th innings pass, those seats are still empty. So, Jake approaches the man sitting there in the box seats and politely asks " Sir, is this seat taken" and


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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like


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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...



It’s currently half empty...

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A fat man and his Therapist go for a walk.

During their walk, they stop by Mcdonald's.
They both order food, the fat man having a larger meal. They both finish their meal, so they begin chatting about The fat man's life choices.
"So, how do you feel?"
The therapist asks.
"I don't know, I still feel empty inside."


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AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM

I went to the Air and Space Museum. it was just a big empty room

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So, My friend asked my how I like my coffee.

I told 'em to make it as black as my soul.

They handed me an empty cup.

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I attempt to throw my empty Pepsi can into the nearest bin

I miss the bin and the can hits a kid, the kid starts crying, I walk up to him and say "don't cry! It was only a soft drink!"

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Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she p


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Did you hear the terrible joke about the empty punch bowl at the dance?

There was no punchline!

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The limitations of mathematics

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing an empty house.

Two people walk into the house, and three people walk out of the house.

​

"Ah," says the physicist, "we must have been wrong - the house was not initially empty."

"Hm," says the biologist, "I believe that they must have re


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