Employed

Jokes

You know who really gets my goat?

The goatherd I employed.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

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I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

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A recently employed man doesnt go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”
“So why don’t you ever show up?”
“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”

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A man with 10 hands tries to get employed

He gets hired because he's so handy

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Daddy, whats a fucking whore?

Employed, son. Employed.

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Two priestesses were robbing the same banks and quickly disappearing over and over again

It seems they employed hit & nun tactics.

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What did the horrified man say about the brutal retinal cleaning techniques employed by the United States Armed Forces?

"I see G.I.s squeegee eyes."

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My Boss gave me the best handjob ever!

Also, I’m self employed.

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James Bater had a tough time finding a butler.

Every single one he employed kept calling his son Master Bater.

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About employment...

When you are banging the hell out of your boss's daughter and you realize you're self employed.

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Offensive joke

Hitler was a good guy he employed thousands of people to help bury 6million jews after they spontaneously and mysteriously died at summer camps

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Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

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Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

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I was sexually harassed at work by my boss

I'm self employed

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A YouTuber with a large following was always proud to be a self-employed entrepreneur who was his own boss.

Until his channel got taken down suddenly without notice.

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What is every cop's dream?

To buy a crossroads and become self-employed.

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What do you call a nun employed by your company?

Nun of your business.

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What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

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What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

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The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

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Been seeing my bosses daughter the last few weeks and had to end it

It hurt, but I’ll be alright I think. It was just weird being self-employed.

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I am employed as a unicorn hunter.

I am effective because you don't see any unicorns around do you?

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I keep getting sexually harassed at work by my boss.

It is one of the many drawbacks of being self-employed.

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I've been having sex with my boss

It's one of the many benefits of being self employed

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So I was banging the boss's daughter...

Can't get fired, I'm self employed

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There is two men, one of which works at a grinding mill

The one without a job asks the other man employed at the mill how the work is. The man that worked at the grinding mill replied,"It's fine."

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Nothing better than fucking the boss' daughter and then realize

you're self-employed.

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What do Trump and Colin Kaepernick have in common?

Neither one will be employed by the end of the year.

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What's the worst thing about having sex with your boss's daughter?

Remembering you're self employed.

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I went to court over being sexually harassed and touched inappropriately by my boss

The court dismissed the case because I'm self employed....

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I nailed my boss' daughter...

...didn't get fired though, I'm self employed.

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I got caught banging my bosses daughter.

It’s ok, I’m self employed.

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Just nailed the bosss daughter

Can’t get fired, I’m self employed.

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Amazon recently employed monkeys from the Amazon jungle to expedite delivery times.

They’ve decided to call it Amazon Primate.

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I don't know what's more repugnant--the fact that I've been sleeping with members of my staff...

...or the fact that I'm self employed.

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I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now Im self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.

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A chicken had a job interview at a KFC today.

It got employed immediately for the rest of its life.

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Not a s

####Note

Hopefully the Mods and the US player allow this. If not, oh well.

#History

In July 2014, former FBI agent Dwayne Ainge was employed by G4S solutions when he had the idea of a corporation with two equally important tasks. While he was committed to provide security to certain government and corperate sectors, his cousin Charles Casey brought to him id


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My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

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One of the best things about being self employed

I name myself employee of the month every month.

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I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

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I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

[deleted]

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Did you hear about the Indian man who was recently employed as a comedian?

He got a punjabi.

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Today my boss fondled my genitals!

Being self-employed is great.

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My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

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I work for the United Nations

I have been UN employed for a while

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What is Father Christmas's tax status?

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

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Joke from my Property Law Professor

We're discussing a hypothetical case where a woman named Claudia works on a Perdue factor farm.

"So," says my professor, "in this case we have Claudia, who is employed as..."

*dramatic pause*

"a chicken tender."

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There are two types of people in the world

Employed people










and english majors

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