Ease

Jokes

An 85 year old man walks inside the doctor's office

An 85 year old man walks inside the doctor's office complaining about mysterious red dots that appeared on his testicles. The doctor told him, "are you still sexually active?" The man answered proudly, "yes, yes i am". The doctor said one thing to him, "that's the check engine light, ease up on the viagra man"


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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world.

Roman: But we invent Roman numerals, to ease trade with every city on the map. A


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My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

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Three friends are fishing. The first two are able to lure in the fish with ease, but the third one struggles.

Three friends are fishing. The first two are able to lure in the fish with ease, but the third one struggles.

After a while, the third one stands up and says:

“I gotta go to the bathroom.“

The second one says: “You might as well look up on how to actually lure in some fish while you’re there.”

The third one agrees,


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I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

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"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

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The doctor strolled


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Everybody need to ease up on Northam

All he did was wear the Democrat’s throwback uniform

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"Doctor, doctor, I tripped on my shoe and strained a muscle, can I have a steroid to help ease the swelling?"

"Caught a sole?"

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady starts to unbutton his shirt when he stops her. He then says "hang on I got this". He then


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I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tr


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A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.

1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.

2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.

3. There is a 72 year old, 450lbs woman upstairs who’s never had sex. Fix it.

Guy deci


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According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

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NSFW LONG A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly has the wife's curiosity, and so she asks to see this so-called trick.


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My doctor was adamant that I should swallow a small rock to help ease my back pain.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

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I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

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Red ball green ball...

Two guys are waiting in a doctor's office. The first man turns to the second man and asks him what he's here for. The second man replies, "I'm worried because my testicles are *really* red."

The first man says, "Wow, I'm here because my testicles are really green!"

The second man is called into the doctor's exam room. A few


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What do you call a relaxed army of belugas?

Some men at ease.

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Ive always wondered what my parents did to ease boredom before the internet was invented

My 19 brothers and sisters don’t seem to know either.

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"Can you identify the men from the line of suspects?" I was asked.

I said, "Yes, with ease. They're all men."

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What's the difference between a poorly designed user interface and Georges Perec's novel A Void?

One is known for a lack of ease of use and the other for a lack of use of e's!

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I once took an edible before heading off to my first day of classes to ease my nerves.

Sure made the start of 4th grade more enjoyable.

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Marine

A Marine goes to a hooker, things start heating up and she notices he isn't hard. She asks if he needs help getting it up. Too which he replies, no ma'am I've got complete control over my body. He then yell "Private Ten Hut" and his dick gets hard.. impressed the prostitute asks if he can get it to go limp again, the marine replies of course, and yells "Private at


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In a Chinese restaurant far, far away...

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all ov


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After my wife cheated on me, I took up drugs to ease the pain...

...I'll be the one laughing last when I become a successful and famous doctor!

~~yes, i know this joke is lame, i came up with it in like, 5 seconds~~

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Youtube needs to ease you into the next video suggestion. I was watching a video about animals attacking people and then boom, jeff and tinas Wedding proposal.

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What do mathematicians drink?

Anything to ease the pain.

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Money can keep you warm, ease your life, open new opportunities, but one thing money can't buy is...

... your momma, cuz she's free and everybody knows it.

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How many cats does it take to ease the pain of a broken heart?

*uncontrollable sobbing*

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"The tension between Uranus...

and Pluto hat has been there since June of 2012 will finally ease up", Astrologist say.

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A man named Nate

So, once upon a time in a poor country there was an earthquake. A rock slid down a hill and crushed a town's well. Now the town could not get fresh water and wasn't going to be able to live long. So they tried to move the rock. They got the biggest tree they could find and tried to pry it up, but it didn't budge. Finally, on the second day with no water a man named Nate went to move


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The Misdirected Shot

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately


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Two men are in the operating room

Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery.



One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?"



The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out"





The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to


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Guy walks into a bar.. (long joke)

And asks for a drink. He notices a jar full of money and asks the bartender if he gets a lot of tips. Bartender explains that it's part of an ongoing bet. The man asks what he must do to win the money. The bartender states that the man must climb the oak tree behind the bar and grab a leaf from the very top, pull an abscessed tooth from a pit bull, and bang a 50 year old virgin. The man refu


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So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.


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The universe is expanding....

that should help ease the traffic

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I saw your post about the prostate exam and ease you this.

When you're getting your prostate exam, make sure the doctor only has ONE hand on your hip...

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Dishonorable Discharge

A Marine gets into his dress uniform and goes to a brothel. The madam says to him "Hello there soldier, show me what you got".
The marine proceeds to drop his pants and says "watch this... TEN HUT!" and his unit becomes fully erect. He then says "at ease" and it drops. The madam is quite impressed and takes him into the parlor saying "You have got to s


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A guy gets pulled over by a cop

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn'


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Driving in the snow is like...

having sex with a virgin, you have to ease into it, nice and slow.

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