Eager

Jokes

A man is on his last hour of his life in a hospital.

With none of his family visiting him, he felt all hope may be lost. However, his doctor comes in with a bottle filled with liquid, sealed with a cork.

The man, confused at what that was, asked what it contained.

The doctor replied, "If you manage to crack open the cork, and drink the liquid, you may be able to survive much longer than if you did not."


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Sportsman's Double

You may be familiar with the term "Sportsman's Double".

Good-looking college guy walks into a nice bar, and there's a very attractive, middle-aged woman sitting at the bar by herself. She could be 45 0r 50, but still really sexy. Guy says, "Man, I have to at least try. Could be fun."

So he approaches, and joins her, and they get along re


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My girlfriend was leaving me.

She said I was too obsessed with sci-fi. Eager to make her stay, I tried to remind her of the good times, and said "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

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Was really excited about the new scientific discovery and searched for "BIG BLACK HOLE PIC".

Understood why scientist why scientist were so eager for them.

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A Fisherman has Three Illegally Caught Fish in a Barrel...

A conservation agent confronts the man, seeing his fish, and goes to confiscate them.
"Wait!" Says the fisherman. "They are my trained fish! If I let them go, I have trained them to come back." Intrigued, the officer lets the fisherman show him the fish talent. He leans over the barrel, and says, "Come on you guys, this is what we have worked so hard for. I believe i


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Generic racist golf joke

Bill loves golfing. Twice a week Bill goes to the same golf course, and always asks for the same caddy. One day, the dude working at the course tells Bill that they no longer have caddys, and now use robots. Bill reluctantly takes one of the robot caddys. As he was golfing, the robotic caddy would give Bill helpful hints like "use your wedge here" or "try your 9 iron here".


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Camouflage suit

I bought a camouflage outfit the other day, as I wanted to play a prank on one of my friend by hiding a bush in his front garden. I put on the suit, and waited patiently for him to come home. When he drew near, I waited eager to jump out and scare him, yet this did not happen.
"Hey man, I can see you" he called out.
"What? How?" I replied, shocked.
You feet a


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What is the most eager soup?

Consommè

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Chemistry teacher is a troll.

Back when I was in sixth grade, we were beginning to learn about chemical reactions and valency of elements and such.

It so happened that a few classes after he had covered the basics, he walked into class in a fury and scribbled the words NACL2, on the blackboard and asked us to name the compound.

All of us, eager to please yelled as one "Sodium di Chloride."


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A man walks into a bar...

The local female workers association, eager to prevent this from happening again, raises the bar a little higher.

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano who couldn’t have been more than a foot tall and, like the bartender had said, where the gen


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My local Brothel started offering coffee recently

Eager to give it a try, I walked in and ordered a tall black.



Then I ordered my Latte.

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Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

Th


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One day a boy named Johnny was eager to see his test results, he was delighted when he saw his score, he lept up and shouted

Oh hi mark

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Julius Caesar goes to a nightclub with his friends

While there he breaks off from his group of friends to talk to an attractive young woman. His friends don't see him for the rest of the night, and the next morning they're all eager to find out what happened. So when they next see him they ask him what happened.

"Vidi, vici, veni" replies Ceasar.


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A teachers praises one of their students to his mother

"Johnny excels at pretty much every subject and is really eager to learn. Where did he get his amazing thirst for knowledge?"

"Well, it's a combination really. The knowledge is from me, but the thirst is definitely from his father's side."

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My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

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My friend is an eager medical student. When it comes to volunteering on his gynaecology residency,

He’s always the first to put his hand up.

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A

Teacher replies: "Oh, that's bad form, dear. You need to say " Can I go take a little bit of pee pee, mrs. teacher?" "I'm sorry, I will", he adds, blushing

The next day, the boy asks: " mrs. teacher?"
Teacher is eager to see if he learned something

"Yes, dear?"
"Can I go take a little bit of pee pee a


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A boy in first grade asks the teacher: "Can I go take a piss, m'am?"

Teacher replies: "Oh, that's bad form, dear. You need to say " Can I go take a little bit of pee pee, mrs. teacher?" "I'm sorry, I will"

The next day, the boy asks: " mrs. teacher?"
Teacher is eager to see if he learned something

" Yes, dear?"
"Can I go take a little bit of pee pee and a little bit of


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Say what you will about cannibals...

...but they're always eager to serve their guests

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I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didnt get in line. I knew it was a trick

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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My girlfriend told me I was like The Flash in the bed

Eager to start, quick to finish.

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A celebrity is walking down the street

when an eager man runs up to him and says "Hey! I'm your biggest fan!" to which the celebrity replied, "That's nonsense; you should check out my ceiling."

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A man gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.

She looks at him and shakes her head saying "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

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Dinner at a restaurant

So there's this young couple who are soon to be husband and wife and an older couple who have been married for over 20 years having dinner together at a fancy restaurant; the younger couple eager to learn more about married life and the older couple eager to share their experiences.

As a way to break the ice, the husband-to-be asks, "If your other half was an animal, what an


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People are getting way too eager for holidays

there's 365 days till Christmas and people already have decorations up!

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Did you hear about the overly-eager bread dough?

In the morning he was always the first one to rise.

He didn't want to be a loaf.

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An interesting worker...

Every night a worker who was employed in a Russian factory would leave the grounds, trundling a wheelbarrow. When the suspicious guard examined its contents, he found only straw or sawdust. Since these were waste materials which nobody wanted, he allowed the worker to pass through the gate. This continued for several years, and never did he find anything except straw or sawdust. Finally this worke


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A man is walking around a used car lot ...

... a salesman, eager to make a sale, approaches the man and asks "Hey guy, you thinking about buying a car?" The man slowly smiles and says "Nope, I was thinking about sex, but I might buy a car"

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis...

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.

She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".



Edit: WOW! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

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A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

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Just before sex, a woman said to her lover: "Baby, I want 9 inches and make it hurt!"

Her lover was eager to please her, so be fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue. “Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”


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Why was the Family Research Council so eager to hire Josh Duggar?

Four lifetime references confirmed he spent every chance he got doing "family research."

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Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me


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Why do terrorists have high sex drives?

Because their sperms are always ready and eager for suicide missions.

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Have you heard of the African roulette?

You're put in front of six girls, all of them eager to give you a blow-job, but one of them is a cannibal.

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A man walks into a pub..

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "


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A farmer and a hunter

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotch as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my lan


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The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde


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