There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later
An off-duty cop is walking down a sidewalk when he sees two black men running with a TV and trying to put it in a car across the street.
"Hey!" He barks and rushes over.
The men turn and look at the off-duty-cop, who whips out his badge.
"You stealin' that TV?" He demands, wondering if he should ask for backup.
"What, a black man can't have a TV?" The first guy bellows, outraged.
The cop is flustered and back
What do you call a game about going to court?
Call of Jury Duty: The Modern Inconvenience
I hate it when people dont flush.
Toilets should be like airport stores, duty free.
A cop was caught peeing in public while on duty today
The police commissioner spoke on behalf of the K9, and even called him a good boy.
What is a golfball?? (LONG)
A little boy and a little girl were out on the playground at recess playing catch. She threw the ball and he missed the ball, she then called him a “golfball”. He asked her what a golfball was and she told him to go ask the Duty Teacher.
So the little boy runs up to the Duty Teacher and says “Me and a little girl were throwing a ball, she threw the ball, I missed t
Am I the only one
Who gets up in the morning jerks off to pictures of my best friends little sister, gets in the shower uses only axe body products gets out blow drys my nuts wash my mouth with tequila brushes my teeth with monster then goes down stairs screams at my mother to get me a snack then goes and plays call of duty on my X Box until my girlfriend shows up then punches her for being late and then fuck her i
XBOX live 2009 Call of Duty MW2
" Your moms a fucking fag bro that's why you won't see me on rust "
I hate Call of Duty.
But my mom wants to be phoned every other day.
The final fantasy series of games are to Japan as Call of Duty is to America.
It’s how the younger generation remembers world war 2.
Yesterday Reddit, Hulu and Xbox live was down
Must have been a boring day for the staff at BuzzFeed. They couldn't play Call of Duty and insult each other, watch cartoons or even copy and paste more stories for their website.
Why did the janitor pick up the poop from the floor?
Because it was his duty!
Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car
He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to be growing as rapidly as he would wish if at all and the poor guy almost gave up all hopes
Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car
He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to be growing as rapidly as he would wish if growing at all and the poor guy almost gave up a
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
It was his duty.
The town of Atrix was under the rule of an oppressive government when, one day, a leather clad warrior woman came to liberate them.
The battle was fierce and bloody but, eventually, the leather clad warrior woman defeated her foes.
“Thank you!” Cried the townfolk. “What to we owe you for helping us?”
“You owe me nothing,” The leather clad warrior woman replied, “I consider it a duty that had to be done.”
So on that day forth, the townspeople
Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?
Because he makes snappy judgements!
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink amp drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.
The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front s
What did the soldier say when he was plunging the toilet?
This is my duty!
Why do black people have white palms?
So police on night duty know to merely shoot between them.
How many off-duty cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What did the male heterosexual coprophiliac soldier declare most important?
What's hitler's favorite game mode on Call of Duty?
One in the chamber.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug stor
What do you call a passenger who uses the restroom before their flight?
I got a medal for jumping over a video game shelf.....
They said I went above and beyond the Call of Duty.
A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job.
“I’m sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days,” the judge tells the man.
“I know,” the man answers. “But that’s what I’m trying to prevent them from figuring out.”
What was Hitlers favorite civic duty?
Why do the toilets at the border only have pissoirs?
Because they are duty free.
A fellow named Durkin McGurkin
Was constantly jerkin' his gherkin.
Said Mrs. McGurkin,
"Your duty you're shurkin'.
That gherkin's for furkin' not jerkin'!"
I couldnt believe there was a turd in the shop at the airport
It said duty free
A man walks into a burger joint...
.. holding a gun wearing a mask. He robs them off all their hamburgers and runs off. The cops come soon after and ask for a description of the man. He wore a hat and black gloves, had a cape and a striped shirt. The lead cop on duty says to the person describing him, " I guess you can call this a burger-lery."
I feel pretty bad about the mistrial I caused last time I had jury duty....
The judge caught a glimpse while we were next to each other at the urinals and had to announce that the jury was hung.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, How soon do you think well be able to have sex?
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Call of Duty: Nazi Ops
Headshot + 10
Yamaka + 50
A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."
The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"
Ill never be selected for jury duty!
Because any jury I’m on is a hung jury
My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.
I call her Aunty Psychotic.
There was a part one night on a military base
The Captain walked out and asked for one person to stand first post for the night.
One Private stepped forward and said “I’ll stand post for all times, sir. I am Buddhist and it is great karma for a post and following reposts.”
“Very well”, said the Captain
So on went the party. Finally, late at night before the sun rose, the Ca
Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?
It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord
Why did the fat man have to use paper towels to wipe his ass?
Because it was a heavy duty
A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.
So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code His Message In The Military Way.
Omega One, This Is Omega Twelve,
Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?
Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance
In a job interview I said, "Last week I only killed 33 people on Call of Duty. Just last night I killed 72."
"What...does that have to do with anything?" asked the guy.
I said, "Well, you asked me if I value progression."
The policeman shot an American citizen and was sentenced to prison for manslaughter
Just kidding, he got put on desk duty then paid administrative leave then transferred to another precinct then promoted then retired with a full pension.
Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
"You are a bomb!" "No! You are a bomb!"
In USA is a complement.
In middle east is just a duty-dropping.
Astronauts are never on-duty
and there isn't a single person on Earth who could convince me otherwise.
Lipstick is a girl's beauty.
Removing it is a boy's duty.