How fat is Donald Trump really?
A squirrel is relaxing in his tree
when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says &qu
My dad told me to meet him on top of the mountain to sacrifice the lamb
Looks like he forgot the lamb. He’s such a dummy.
My dad forgot to bring the lamb for sacrifice.
But he still brought the knife. He’s such a dummy.
So two vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"
Instead of calling someone "dummy thicc" we should call them "hot and heavy"
(It's not much of a joke, but i cant figure out were else to post it, any help?)
A Jewish man misses the bus
A Jewish man comes home from work excited one day and says to his wife:
"honey guess what happened today. I was running a bit late and so I missed the bus home and ran after it all the way and realized I saved 2 dollars by not buying a ticket!"
To which she responds :
"you dummy! Next time run after a taxi and save 30!"
Something my nephew told me (not exactly a joke, but made me laugh regardless)
He gets home from school with his violin and wants to play for us, so he pulls out a sheet of music.
Me: "wow, you already know how to read music?" (He's 9 and started this year)
Him: *shaking his head* "noooo dummy, there's no letters, you can't read it"
Colonel, Im trying to sneak around, but the two of us are dummy thicc
You’re a dummy who can’t sneak around for shit, and I’m so thicc that my ass claps make grown men cry. Not that my ass claps have anything to do with us sneaking around, I just wanted you to know.
TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.
She said "You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."
From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.
Hillery Clinton is Dummy thick
She tried to sneak past her email controversy but her butt cheeks kept clapping
give a man a fish, you have fed him for a day, teach him to fish and you've made a bad business decision, dummy, just sell him fish
If Netflix is called Netflix because there is flicks on the net then...
... is Udemy called Udemy because you a dummy.
I tried ventriloquism once but everyone thought I was crazy.
Possibly because I forgot to bring my dummy.
One time, two blondes were walking through the forest
...and they came across some tracks.
The first blonde pointed and said, "Oh, look! Rabbit tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No dummy, those are deer tracks!"
They were both still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes are walking through a forest...
and they come across some tracks.
Blonde 1: Those look like deer tracks!
Blonde 2: No, dummy, those are rabbit racks!
They were both still arguing when the train hit them.
My little friend went into 1.st class yesterday
I said you dummy, we are in tourists class
What do you say when a mannequin sneezes?
Shut up, dummy.
How do car companies measure the impact of a collision
A crash test, dummy
A mannequin in the store fell over and broke the glass panel..
What a dummy.
I've never felt more like a dummy
Than the day I found out my proctologist is also a ventriloquist.
I've never felt more like a dummy ...
Than when I found out my proctologist is also a ventriloquist.
How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor?
He still can talk you dummy!
My ventriloquist dummy said he hates having his life led by someone else.
I said, "Speak for yourself."
What did the dolphin say to the frog?
Eeeee eeee eeeee ieeeee eeee eee. Dolphins don't talk dummy.
The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife think
Do you know what happened when Chuck Norris learned CPR?
He brought the dummy to life.
Why did the Elton John wax dummy get down voted?
Because it was fake and gay.
Saw an Alabama fan the other day
He was wearing a t-shirt that said "I Bleed Crimson" I walked up to him and said "You big dummy, we all do"
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Pie aren't square, dummy!
Pie are round! Duh.
Ted Cruz is going to be in a movie
Dummy Does Dallas
Historians recently discovered evidence that Hitler was a ventriloquist.
Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his dummy who was a violinist. He would bring the dummy to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Doll Fiddler.
A guy walks in a bar asks the bartender
"Isn't that Bush sitting over there?" Guy walks over and says:"Wow,this is a real honor.What are you doing here?"
Bush:"We're planning WWIII.
Guy:"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush:"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
Guy exclaimed:"Bicycle repairman! Why kill a bi
The blonde and the ventriloquist (someone with a dummy on his knee)
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotyp