Duck

Jokes

I was walking past a farm and a sign says 'Duck, eggs!'

I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me"

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A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand

Give me your liver.

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What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching for the winter when none other than Jonas John Jameson himself broke down on the side of the road ne


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Duck dicks look like corkscrews

That's why instead of popping the pussy ducks be popping the cork.

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What did Daisy Duck say to Donald Duck when he very rudely grabbed her by the cloaca during breakfast?

Leggo my egghole!

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Utilities

What do British Gas and a duck have in common? They can both shove their bills up their arse.

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What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

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How do you know if someone is an idiot in a cock fight arena?

He brought a duck to a cock fight.

How do you know if someone is more of an idiot than the first one?

If he placed a bet on the duck.

How do you know if a syndicate is involved?

If the duck won.

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A priest a rabbi and a pastor walk into a bar

All three failed to duck

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What do you get if you cross a frog, a duck, an elephant, and a rhino?

Fuck if I know.

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A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm.

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I caught my nephew using "Duck" in place of the F word.

I had to stop him, I know his dad wouldn't approve of such fowl language.

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When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

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A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk threatened, "I've told you this is a


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Ten commandments

I was walking to the park with my friend when I saw a duck being stolen. "Look! A duckery!" I told my friend. "What are you talking about?" He asked.

I can't believe he didn't even know the most famous of the ten commandments, Thou shall comment on a duckery. What an idiot.


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I was walking past a farm and a sign read "Duck, eggs"

I thought "that's an unnecessary comma-- then it hit me.

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What drug was the duck addicted to?

Quack cocaine

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Why did the duck cross the road?

Because this joke is now officially quality content for /r/jokes.

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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

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Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

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I was walking past a farm and read the sign "Duck, eggs". I thought to myself that is an unnecessary comma...

then it hit me!

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What will you do if life give you lemon ?

"You ask for grapes" said the Duck

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I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

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What youtuber is a duck?

quack loves Disneyland

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With food or responsibly...

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I was walking past a farm, and a sign read: "Duck, Eggs". I thought, that's an unnecessary comma...

And then it hit me.

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Wanna play Duck, Duck, Ouss?

It's like Duck, Duck, Goose, but instead of tapping the goose, you dog shot the cunt in the back of the head.

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I was walking past a farm and a sign said, Duck, eggs. I thought, Thats an unnecessary comma

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Idk if you have heardthis before my friend told me it. So sorry buds

So Jack's father is very poor so he says "Jack go sell this duck in the village" to which jack replied "ok". So Jack went to the village looking for somewhere to sell his duck. He keeps looking until he finds a prostitute. She says "if you give me that duck I can give you a good time" he agrees and gives her the duck. After they finish she says "that was gre


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Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and he says...

"...this is the pig I've been fucking"

Wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck"

Guy says "I wasn't talking to you"



Credit to The Sopranos. Shoutout to that pygmy thing over at r/thesopranos

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Why did the duck go to rehab?

He was addicted to quack

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The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

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Johnny's father decided it was time for him to get out and see the world. Nsfw

"Son, it is time for you to see some of the world on your own. But i don't want to send you out with nothing son, so take this duck with you."

So Johnny took the duck and went out with his duck and the first person he met was a ho.

"Hey kid, nice duck. I'll have sex with you if you give me that duck."

Johnny agreed, and he scre


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Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck break into a bank...

Elmer says "I willy think that joke about the distillery was wascist..."

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A duck entered a restaurant with three geese.

The geese ordered a lot of food, ate, then left, making the duck responsible for the tab.

The duck said, "Why do I always get stuck with a bill?"

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What is essential in a taco according to a duck?

Quack-amole

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What does the subatomic duck say?

Quark!

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A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with th


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This guys walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes befo


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A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man, running the stand

"Quack"

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What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

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Tinder told me there are 50000 hot american singles in my area

This vacation in Iran's gonna duck

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers at all. After a few drinks the patron gets up to use the restroom and leaves the ducks with the


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A time traveler walks into a bar

*You would think he had learned to duck the first time

*...again

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I'm sure this has been posted here but: A duck walks into a bar

The duck asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender, perplexed, says no, and the duck heads back out. The next day the duck comes back and asks again "Got any grapes?" The bartender again says no, this time a little bit irritated, so the duck leaves. The next day he comes back yet again and asks the same question. "Got any grapes?" The bartender, this time inf


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Where do duck sounding farts come from?

Out your butt quack

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Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

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A pirate, two giraffes, a duck and a nun walk into a bar..

The bartender says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

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3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For s


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