I dropped out of elementary school because of recess

I don’t play

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

Why Asians Squint

Why do the Japanese have squinty eyes?

Because the Americans dropped two atomic bombs on them.

Why do the Chinese have squinty eyes?

Because they're wondering why the Americans didn't drop more.

A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man

all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightning and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for

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What do you call a waffle that you've dropped on the beach?

A sandy Egg


(*My daughter hit me with this one this morning*)

Was playing air drums in my car to Metallica

when I dropped a stick so I had to switch to Def Leppard.

If the offspring means those who spring off (someone)...

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

What did Mike Tyson say after he dropped the soap in jail?

I broke my ass. My ass is broken. Anal.

Why did little Joe dropped his ice cream?

He got hit by a bus

High ping

Today, in class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time nobody would hear me.
.
.
I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, and then I farted. LOUDLY.

What do you call it when you dropped your mobile in a deep hole in the ground?

Digital well-being.

My son dropped his ice cream cone on the sidewalk.

I picked it up, gave it back to him and said "Don't worry, now it's Rocky Road!"

Statistics show that every 8seconds a mobile is dropped in the toilet

Source:

"How did you watching do that?"

There were three men, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman, and they all climbed up to the top of a cliff.
At the top they met a man, and the man said "If you can take your watch and drop it down the cliff, catch it again and bring it back up I will give you $500."
The Welshman thought he could do it, so he dropped his watch and ran all the way down to the bottom of th

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So I heard John Hickenlooper dropped out of the presidential race...

His supporter must be very upset to see him go.

What did the vegetarian do at the club

Dropped a beet

Loud thud

Mom: What was that sound?

Me: Nothing, just dropped my shirt

Mom: That's ridiculous! A shirt doesn't sound like that!

Me: *I was wearing the shirt*

My friend dropped out of high school to start a horse racing career...

Unfortunately it didn't stick...but the glue sure did!

Did you hear about the man who dropped his watch in the toilet?

He had a shitty time....

"Ooh they've got a class on how to write jokes!"

"Don't take that. I dropped it after the lesson on set- ups. The professor is so old..."

What did the Iraqis say when when an American plane dropped a bomb on a bank accidentally during the Gulf War?

Whoa! This has blown up. Thanks for the gold and silver kind strangers!

A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his watch from the tower took the elevator to the bottom and searched for a watch repair shop. Finally, a

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My friend helped me move and dropped 20 of my couch on his foot

Ouch

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

ESPN couldnt get Peyton Manning to do NFL commentary...

So ESPN dropped down to get Ryan Leaf.

I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

I got mad at my wife when she dropped ice cubes and they went under the refrigerator.

It's just water under the fridge now.

Why are black kids usually bad swimmers?

Because they usually get dropped off so much closer to the egg than the rest of us.

My sister tattled on me because I dropped corn on the floor.

I said that there was a kernel of truth to her accusation.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Wife : Why dont you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

Im so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

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So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they would catch the fish and have a tasty dinner.
BUT..... There was a bear watching the fishe

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Weightlifting really changed my life, i dropped 50 pounds

Straight on my foot, can barely walk now

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, &quo

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Bath Products

There was a lad who was down on life. He went to the store and bought a TV. He went to the bathroom, plugged in the TV, and dropped it into the water.

Despite what you may think, he wasn't electrocuted. He was, however, dismayed, for the TV just kept showing soap operas.

Guys I just recently bought a iPhone XS max 512GB, my son dropped it and it shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 7 years old, ugly, thin and very short.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Eatin chocolate."

"Where'd you get it?"

"A doggy dropped it."

"Where'd he drop it?"

"Behind the door."

"What's he doing?"

"Making more."

;)





My dad beats me every night

A man, aged 90, who is married to a 30 year old woman got her pregnant.

The man rushed to his doctor who said that he could no longer have a kid to give the news.

-Doctor: that is not possible
-Man: It did happen!
-Doctor: There was once a hunter, whose weapon was not loaded, he aimed at a duck and said "Bang" and the duck dropped dead.
-Man: That is not possible, someone else must have hit it!
-Doctor: That is what I am

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A man sits eating his soup in a restaurant

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thei

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thie

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A young doctor

moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been o

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What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda?

A cross. A priest must have dropped it.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

My uncle is selling a old French musket.

Never fired, dropped once!