Driving

Jokes

Pulled this Dad joke...

on my Dad as we were elk hunting this year. We were driving down a dirt road and kept seeing a bunch of sage grouse (also known as a sage chicken) running on the road.

Dad, why did the grouse cross the road??

To get to the other sage.

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Why do some drivers get anxious when driving on old bridges?

They have truss issues

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I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s...

But I could just never lure them into my car. Just kidding, I don't have a driving license

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Trump and a Russian man are driving along on a road.

Suddenly, Trump's car hits the Russian's. After a while, a policeman and a towing service arrive. The policeman comes up, and before either man can say anything, Trump gets out of the car and yells at the policeman, "There was no collision!"

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A man and his wife were driving down a country road

They had both gotten into an argument, but neither wanted to admit that they were wrong.

They drove past a field with cows and donkeys, so the husband asked his wife, "Hey, are those relatives of yours?"
"Yes", she said, "in-laws!"

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While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...

Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

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I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges.

My therapist says I have truss issues.

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What did the cumulus cloud say to the stratus cloud?

Why arent you precipitating?


(a joke me and my buddy came up with while driving. and its scientifically correct. lol)

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Prison Escape.

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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland

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Read the whole thing

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A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd expect a midwest greasy spoon/truck stop-type restaraunt to look: red and white checkered


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What did the cauliflower say to the broccoli as they were caught in a high-speed chase driving down the interstate?

FLORET!

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Three old men in a car

Three old men are in a car on their way to see a tennis match.

After a couple of hours of driving, the first man asks, "Is this Wembley?"

The second man says, "No, it's Thursday."

The third man says, "So am I, let's stop and get a drink!"

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I was driving by the prison today, and I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall.

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A father and 2 kids are driving in the middle of nowhere

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Why do accountants have troubles driving

because the left side does not equal to the right side

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An Asian, Mexican and Canadian are riding together in a truck. Whos driving?

Immigration

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At Sumbitch Can Drive

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Asianns are so bad at driving..

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident

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You can often tell someone's nationality by where they're driving.

For example, you can tell if someone's from the US if their car is in the _right_ lane.

You can tell if someone is from the UK if their car is in the _left_ lane.

You can tell if someone is from China if their car is _on the sidewalk._

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The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

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A golfer shanks his ball clear off the course...

...and out onto the road, where it hits a passing cop car. The cop runs onto the course and writes the man a ticket for reckless driving.

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

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Two terrorists are driving to a location where they are planning to plant a bomb.

One was driving and the other was in the passenger seat with the bomb on his lap. When car went over a speed bump at a high speed and the car shook, the one in the passenger said to the driver: "Hey! Drive slowly! This might go off!"

The driver replied: "Chill, man. You know we have got a spare one in the back."


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Typing and Driving

I am typing and driving right now who said that would be a pro

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My car will be 16 years old this year.

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My brother had his hand stuck in a window of a car...

He shouted "The pane is unbearable!"
However, as I was driving, I just stared at him.
He continued "It's... just unreel!'

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Jason is driving when he sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road.

The man looks a bit rough, but Jason pulls over and lets him in.

After driving for a few minutes, the hitch hiker asks, "Hey, aren't you worried that I might be a serial killer?"

Jason chuckles lightly and replies, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are very slim."


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I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

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What do you call a driving sheep?

A Jeep

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Nsfw My first time driving was like my first time having sex.

I rammed an 8 year old so hard he died

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the establishment were occupied. Unable to hold on, he climbed a flight of stairs to search of a rest


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What type of charge would you get if you drove your car while an obnoxious instagramer is on it?

Driving under the influencer.

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I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

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Did you know that two men named Will created an app for driving directions?

You know what they say: when there are Wills, there is a Waze

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My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

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On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...

On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...


At the beautiful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,
''Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very sl


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I was driving around town the other day

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A man bought a pair of shoes...

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A pirate walks into a bar

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A man is in the mcdonalds drive through...

A man is driving through mcdonalds, ready to get his lunch.

The cashier smiles and says "that'll be $7.54".

He chuckles and says "land of the free", setting down his AR-15 and reaching for his wallet.

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After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that Im black, Ive got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

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What is it with hearse drivers and fashion?

Always driving around with their wardrobe in the back.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because its the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because its the third time you see this post on this subreddit?

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

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Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas

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The Party

Last week, I went to a party and had a good time. Before I knew it, I was chatting up a girl that I started to like. We hooked up, and later that night, I got laid. It was only as I was driving home that I remembered that the party was my family reunion.

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What is the Fastest car in the World?

The rental car you are driving at this moment.

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A guy was driving down the road with some monkeys in the back seat...

A policeman sees this and flags the car down and asks him about the monkeys.

Guy: These are my monkeys.

Policeman: You need to take them to a zoo. I'm letting you off with a warning today.

Next day, the cop sees the same guy driving the other way and flags him down.

Police: I told you to take these monkeys to the zoo.

Guy: I did


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