Driver

Jokes

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out of the way and his car starts to flip. It flips several times. Well the drunk drive


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A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and shuffle off-stage. They carry him outside, wher


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What did the United States postal service name it's new disabled driver outreach program? OC

Ups and downs!

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There's a bus driver and he's driven through town picking up kids

He picks up a kid and the bus driver watched the kid get sit down and the kid started tapping his feet and wiggling his hands just kind of doing jazz hands. And the bus driver asks the kid what he was doing he says "what are you doing with your hands and feet" The boy says "got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in my feet" The bus driver says "oh okay" so he goe


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A cop pulls over a guy who just ran a stop sign.

Cop: You ran that stop sign back there.

Driver: Oh, come on now officer, it's called a California stop! I slowed down and no one was coming so I just rolled through.

Cop: Step out of the car please, sir.

Driver: What? Why? This is outrageous! I slowed down, and no one was even coming!

Cop: Please, sir, I'm going to need you to step


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I'm very bad at being a taxi driver

I always seem to drive my customers away

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This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man

I also got fired from my job as a bus driver

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David Beckham gets into a cab

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks

"Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says

"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England'


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A bus driver

A bus driver recently is getting bad sleep so he decides to try some ASMR. He tries a series of tapping noises and mouth noises but none of it work. Then on his suggestion list is "ASMR FOR SLEEPLESS BUSDRIVERS" he clicks in.

Sound of coins falling to the ballet

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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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A mafia capo caught his wife with her lover at his house.

He grabbed the guy's hair and pulled him outside where a big black Mercedes was parked on the driveway. Behind the wheel, there was a huge bald guy wearing shades. Fuming Capo opened the back door and shoved the frightened guy on the back seat.
"Take this piece of shit to the woods and fuck him in the ass!", than he slams the door shut.

Two seconds later the do


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A mafia capo caught his wife with her lover at his house.

He grabbed the guy's hair and pulled him outside where a big black Mercedes was parked on the driveway. Behind the wheel, there was a huge bald guy wearing shades. Fuming Capo opened the back door and shoved the frightened guy on the back seat.
"Take this piece of shit to the woods and fuck him in the ass!", than he slams the door shut.

Two seconds later the do


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Why are there so many Chinese people in Harrow?

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Why should you be worried if you get Walter White as your Uber driver?

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Today I gave up my seat to an old blind lady on the bus...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

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A Highway Patrolman Is Cruising Down The 40

And he sees some traffic up ahead. Upon getting closer, he realizes one car going slowly in the left lane is the cause of the backup. He flashes his lights and they make their way to the shoulder. He gets out and walks up to the vehicle, where he sees four elderly people in the car. The three passengers seem to be panic-stricken, but not in any medical distress. The driver immediately pipes up,


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Explaining my embarrassing transportation kink to a bus driver

"Excuse me, this is where I normally get off"

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A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth, don't worry we are going to change the name soon." The driver said, "I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."

They had been driving for a couple of


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I took a cab in Winnipeg and had a hell of a ride.

As we approached a red light the driver just gunned it right through the intersection???? Holy shit dude what the hell are you doing, I screamed at the driver.
No no it's fine he says,me and my brother whom is also a cab driver do this all the time all over the city.
I relax when I see all the lights are green in front of us till we get closer and he slams the brakes and comes to


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What is the Height of Globalization?

A: *Princess Diana.*

Q: *How* ???

A: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian driver, who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines, dies!


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So, a hearse was driving down the road....

when suddenly the hatch flew open and the coffin started sliding across the road. The driver tried to chase after it, and it flew right past a pharmacy. So the driver runs into the pharmacy out of breath and yells to the pharmacist:

"You got anything that can stop this coughin!?"

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A family of bears decide to take a vacation

Papa bear takes the wheel of the car while mama bear sits besides him. Young bear sits at the back.

On their way to their destination, the car swerves off the road and lands on a lake. All three came out safe but only papa bear came out dry.

Why?

He was the driver.

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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

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What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

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A women gets on a bus with her baby

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Two terrorists are driving to a location where they are planning to plant a bomb.

One was driving and the other was in the passenger seat with the bomb on his lap. When car went over a speed bump at a high speed and the car shook, the one in the passenger said to the driver: "Hey! Drive slowly! This might go off!"

The driver replied: "Chill, man. You know we have got a spare one in the back."


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Two women are talking. First woman: my new beau is such a gentleman, he is always calling me fair lady

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A man is driving to work as he turns on the radio

"Very important announcement! A Wrong-Way-Driver on the Dan Ryan Expressway!"

The man seems confused.

"A wrong-way-driver?? There's hundreds!"

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

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Tom the doctor and Ben the bus driver fighting over the teacher Sarah

I got this from my mosque teacher...

Tom was a very successful doctor and Ben was a recruit Bus Driver. Tom came on Ben's bus and as he came on, both Tom and Ben saw a beautiful lady by the name of Sarah. She was a Biology teacher

Days went on and Tom wanted Sarah to be his girlfriend so badly, and so did Ben

Ben, to try and win Sarah over, sent one appl


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A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe it or not, the professor falls ill th


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My Uber story

Uber Driver: ..........

Me: .........

Uber Driver: ..........

Me: 5 stars

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A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.

"Dude make a left!"

"Those are trees..."

"Trust me."

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Uber driver ...

Uber driver: ..........

Me: ...........

Uber driver: ............

Me: .............

Uber driver: .............

Me: ................

Uber driver: ................

Me: ..................

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

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I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

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Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW driver?

The porcupines pricks are on the outside

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A Very Bad Train Driver and a Magical Banana

Once there was a train driver who was, shockingly, driving a train. He wasn't the best train driver and crashed into another train, which in turn killed one person. In his country, murder was punishable by death, so he was sent off to an electric chair to be killed. For his last meal, he requested a banana. He ate the banana, sat in the chair and waited...

*Bzzzzz!*


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President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. &q


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Today was a terrible day

My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

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It's not difficult to be a taxi driver if you're dyslexic.

It's easy as CAB

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Taxi driver

I was in a taxi today and the taxi driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left"

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A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

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If I'm going out to the club, I'm only going home with a DD

A designated driver

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

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The Australian at the big apple

An Australian tourist comes to visit New York. As he walks one of the streets in Manhattan, he crosses the road without looking and almost runs over. The angry driver yells at him: "Hey, moron, did you come here to die?" And the Australian replies "No sir, actually I came here yesterday"!


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One day a woman

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A small man is sitting in the club

A small man is sitting in the club, staring at a little cup he had in front of him. A big truck driver walked up to him looking for trouble. He took the cup and drank it. The small man looked at him, then started crying. The truck driver felt terrible. He said:
"Hey man, I was just joking. Here, I can buy you another."

The small man replied : "it's not that.


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Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.

So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

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