Drive

Jokes

My mom gave me the money for the light bill but instead I spent it on a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

And the next day, wouldn't you believe it, a brand new van showed up in our drive way! - It was the power company, my funeral is tomorrow

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What kind of motorcycle does a witch drive?

A vroomstick

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Why can't Daredevil drive a car?

Because he's from New York.

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People are like snowflakes.

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Theres two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says..

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I'm very bad at being a taxi driver

I always seem to drive my customers away

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Ok so i was sitting in the back of our car

And we drive up to this pizza and i see a sign that says "wood fired pizza"

And i say "wood fired pizza? Hows pizza supposed to get a job now!?"

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I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

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An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my col


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I think its getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

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Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
NO FURTHER TESTING REQUIRED

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I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts. "Great! What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.

"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more." A patient was looking over the wall.

"How'd you know that?", I asked.

"I'm crazy, not stupid."


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Two fish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

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A man gets home from work and shouts to his wife:

" It's the third fucking time that I get home and dinner isn't ready, we are going to have a seriously conversation!"

The woman, revolted: " fuck this! I shower the kids, I dress them up, I take care of them, I drive them to school, I don't even have time to wipe my own ass!"

Him: " that's another thing we have to talk about&qu


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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

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What goes: Clop Clop Clop Bang Bang Bang Clop Clop Clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.

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Every time I drive by a strip club I am reminded of my favourite book as kid, Pinocchio

Both made me realize happy endings were a fairy tale

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Two fish in a tank..

...one says "you drive, I'll man the guns".

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What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Cousin Brian when it happened. Oh yes, please call Brian&


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When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

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What type of car would Jesus drive?

A Christler.

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Two terrorists are driving to a location where they are planning to plant a bomb.

One was driving and the other was in the passenger seat with the bomb on his lap. When car went over a speed bump at a high speed and the car shook, the one in the passenger said to the driver: "Hey! Drive slowly! This might go off!"

The driver replied: "Chill, man. You know we have got a spare one in the back."


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If you have two 10GB hard drives and you get another 10GB hard drive, what do you have?

A junkyard.

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Why dont gun shops have a drive thru?

Because then it would be a drive by

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What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive?

Convertibles

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What type of cars do missionarys think native Americans drive?

Convertibles

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I got pretty drunk last night and didn't want to drive a car home so I took a bus

I was preety impressed that I Got home alive si ?e I have never driven a bus before

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Every building has a drive-thru if you drive fast enough.

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How do you get two whales in a car?

Drive down the M4.

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I just sold my car to a mute

He took it for a test drive and bought it, no questions asked.

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WANTED: a specialist in repairing brooms

My mother-in-law broke hers and now I have to drive her around

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I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

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I've spent so much time using an audio program to learn a language on my way to work...

That now I can only drive my car in Spanish.

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...

... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor...

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A soldier walks into a bar and says he's out of money but he defended your freedom to sell beer so you should let him drink for free. Barman says ok lets see about that. Would you defend us if thousands of alligators came this way?

Of course, with my life if needed!

Would you defend us against terrorists with napalm? No doubt.

Would you defend us against a drive by shooting? He turns up the thick wood tables and goes kind of crazy, yes like this I would.

Would you defend us against profiteers who start the wars? Hell no, they pay for half our equipment


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Drive-Thru Person: Hi, welcome to KFC! What could I get you?

Me: Could I please have a zinger?
Drive-Thru: Of course! Anything else?
Me: Could I have that zinger without a bun, chicken or lettuce?
Drive-Thru: So just mayonnaise?
Me: Yes, could I have it in a bag?
Drive-Thru: $6.99, drive through to the first window.

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Say what you want about pedophiles

At least they drive slowly through school zones

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If breasts were like car horns...

...drive-in cinemas would be deafening.

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How was I born

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Listen up McDonald's employees!

If someone in the drive-thru ever says the is your refrigerator running-joke, just tell them that you don't need to catch it because you placed it on a treadmill :)

Enjoy!

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Why did the mountain climber drive into the tree?

Because it was there.

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I was talking with a few friends in the pub.

"Hey," said one of them, turning to me, "did you know that Dave here has been seeing your wife behind your back?"


"No, I didn't," I replied.


"Well I have," he admitted.


"That might explain her sex drive..." I pondered.


"Oh yeah?" he grinned. "


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A punny list

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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

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A man begins leaving a bar.

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I live my life based on the words of Batman:

“I’ll get drive thru.”

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Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other: “You man the guns, I’ll drive.”

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I dont understand why I have to rotate my tires

Don’t they do that on their own while I drive?

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