A man was looking for a job
A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I don't think you're cut out for the job." The man persists and finally, t
NSFW I had a dream that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one in ABBA
I woke up because his beard was tickling my balls.
I was told a joke in a dream
A man came up to me, and told me he was a friend of my father.
After some small talk, he told me a joke.
"A deckhand is sweeping the deck. Suddenly, a great big wave hits starboard, and he is swept overboard. The captain calls out, and the deckhand is rescued. The first thing the captain tells him, you know what he tells him? He tells him, 'Ya look like shite!
I had a dream that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
Buddy of mine said "My dream is to have a threesome with my wife and her best friend she's known since school"
"That's great man, way to go and dissapoint *two* women"
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda
It turns it was just a fanta sea
A nun stands on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out
When I was young I wanted to be a plumber
But it ended up just being a pipe dream
Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and Ive no idea what Ill do when I finally see it.
I had a wet dream about you last night
I dreamt you slipped on a banana peel, and I laughed so much that I pissed my pants
One day in class, the teacher brings up the topic of the American Dream.
I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep
hoping to get my dream job.
It's easy to make your dreams real.
Just try taking a piss in your dream, if you focus hard enough you wake up to find *you're actually pissing in reality.*
Talking about the American dream, the professor turned to the German student and asked if there's a German dream.
The student replied, "We did, but no one liked it."
What do you call a camp full of unvaccinated kids
A paedophiles dream like they can't tell on him
Last night I had a dream that the ocean turned orange.
but it was just a fanta sea.
Last night I had a dream that the ocean turned orange.......
but it was just a Fanta sea
Why don't black people have dreams?
Because the last one who had a dream got shot
Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda
It was all just a Fanta Sea
Had a dream the ocean was orange soda.
Turns out it was a Fanta sea.
What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?
I had a dream about mufflers..
..I woke up *exhausted*
"what's that in your bag?" "An Ak-47" "No, next to that" "A bag of cheetos"
"You can't bring that into the theater"
Dear friend i saw you in my dreams the other day
it was a vivid dream and i saw you dying in front of me, hit by a car while crossing the road.
it made me really sad. the dream continued and i was now in the cemetery and there was a light emanating from your grave. we were all astonished and ....
you think you are some holy shit ?
turned out one of the headlight of the car who hit you
I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.
"I'm all for it," she supported.
"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"
"Well, look where it got JFK."
How the Frenchmen and the Englishmen see each other's love lives:
How a Frenchman sees an Emglishman's Love Life:
He is making love to his wife, when he pauses for a moment:
"Is everything okay darling? Did I hurt you?"
"No my dear, why?
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you moved.
How an Englishman's sees a Frenchman's love life:
A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...
He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.
"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.
"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"
"Interesting," the doc says,
Three friends Bob, Billy and Brian were chatting late into the night and eventually they went to sleep along side to each other.
Morning came! Bob, who slept next to the window was awaken by the morning sun and said, "I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young and beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night."
Billy, who slept on the other side said, "That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in Goa. I met a beautiful gal and she was giving me th
I had a dream last night that street vendors were selling orange soft drink popsicles.
Isn't that fantastic?
Last night in my sleep I imagined that I was a topsail schooner, out to sea
I guess you could say I'm a real dream boat
John has always wanted his own submarine.
Ever since he was a little kid, the only thing he had ever asked for was a submarine. Obviously, no one could afford to buy him a real submarine. But he grew up always planning in the back of his mind of how to one day own one.
One day, he decides to make his dream a reality. He finds a broker for submarines and asks how much it would cost. The broker lays out some numbers for him, ba
I have a dream
i dream of a better future a future where chickens can cross the road without being asked why
Why didn't Link go into the bookshop?
Because he's too awesome and his horse was too stubborn.
(My honey heard it in a dream last night.)
Why do women like Mount Rushmore so much?
Because it’s their dream to see four hard men standing in front of them.
I thought Id found my dream job as a male prostitute
But it turned out to be a pain in the ass.
If I think and dream in my voice, could it mean that my dog thinks in his own barks?
I love owning hotels, cars and living the dream life.
Until the game (monopoly) ends.
Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.
My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.
People are always telling me to follow my dream.
But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.
Why do black men only have nightmares?
The last one to have a dream got shot
Why did Martin Luther King have to change his sheets?
Because he had a dream.
Two Fonzis walk into a diner
Two Fonzis walk into a diner and one says to the other, "No, YOU say it !"
Original joke that presented itself in a dream.
Sandra has been having a recurring dream where she has an epiphany.
In her dream, she realizes she’s been lying to herself all along. She should just admit it - Sandra is a lesbian. “I am a lesbian,” she proclaims out loud. It feels good. A weight is lifted from her shoulders. She can’t wait to swear men off for good and go out there and find the woman of her dreams.
Every morning, without fail, she wakes up and she’s sti
Why do they call it the American Dream?
Because you have to be asleep to believe it.
RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.
Three guys went on a skiing trip
Once they got to their hotel for the night, they were told that they only had one room available, and that room had a single king bed.
Being that they were looking forward to this trip for a while, the friends decided to take the room and share the bed.
Next morning, when they woke, the first friend said, man I had great rest and had a crazy dream, I was getting a handjob from this cra
Marvin wanted 3 qualities in her wife
Bert, Rick & Johnny were catching up after a long time in a bar.
Bert: So I saw Marvin the other day.
Rick: Oh yeah? How's he doing?
Bert: Fine. He even got his "dream girl".
Johnny: What dream girl?
Rick: Oh, you don't know?
Bert: He always used to say that he wants a woman who's a "Queen" in
I had the best dream last night.
I dreamed that there was an original joke in this thread.
Why do all blacks only have nightmares?
The last one to have a dream got shot.