Double

Jokes

Thank You Omen Movies,

Apparently being an orphan by double "suicide" isn't enough to be your Anti-Christ, Satan Dad.

Who knew I had to have a work ethic?

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I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

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Accountancy joke What do you call a threesome between 2 male accountants and 1 female?

Double entry.

*Badum dun tssss*

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What did the polygamist horse get on his wedding night?

A double bridle

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So a old man and an alien goes into a nightclub

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Three school friends are discussing their post-graduation lives.

The first says, "I'm a Yuppie. A Young, Urban, Professional."

The second says, "I'm a DINK. Get it? 'Double Income, No Kids.'"

The third, a homemaker, pauses, then says, "Oh yeah? Well I'm a WIFE. Get it? 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.?'"

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Kid approaches his dad

-Dad, should I believe in ghosts?
-No, you silly boy!
*the next day, kid walks into a ghost*
-It's not true your cousin is double-dicked!

@silvazuao

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A man walks into a bar and orders a double scotch.

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When it comes to atomic bombs

You have to go double or nothing

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A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, e as in eye, a as in are, d as in 'double-u', and y as in u.


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Her: Come over

Him: Can't, I'm under arrest for double homicide.

Her: But I'm alone, my parents went out.

Him: Yeah, about that....

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Have you ever been through here before?

You dirty double crosser

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A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre

So he gave it to her.

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I was tending bar when this attractive woman with mischievous eyes sidled up to the bar.

"Let me get a double entendre", she said.

So I gave it to her.

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A man is walking down an alleyway...

A man is walking down an alleyway when he encounters a lamp, he rubs it with caution and out pops a genie, who is dressed like a Douchebag. "I will grant you three wishes, however, whatever you wish for, your ex - wife gets double". The man thinks for a bit then replies with "1 Million dollars, please", The genie responds with "OK, but just note, that your ex - wife has ju


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A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,

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I tried a new penis enlargement method which promised to double the length.

That was quite a stretch.

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My wife is like the President.

My friend asked us to a double date.

I said it was okay but to ask her personally so she would feel like she made the decision.

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An apology

Today I posted a joke on here that I had heard from my brother ages ago and rewritten how I remembered it. I had no idea whether it was already on here or not and so i just wrote it. Before I posted it, I even searched up tags and words that it might have included to make sure it wasn't a repost and I didn't see any that was the same in the sub at the time. However after being accused of


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What is a fat American's way of losing weight?

A double big mac, large fries, with a *diet* soda.

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A drunk man walks into a library

He stumbles to the counter and says to the librarian, "I'll have a double cheeseburger please."
Confused the librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
Clearing his throat, "oh sorry. ᴵ'ˡˡ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵈᵒᵘᵇˡᵉ ᶜʰᵉᵉˢᵉᵇᵘʳᵍᵉʳ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ."


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How did the nurses save the man with a broken heart?

double blowjob surgery

he he he

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A Double Negative

An English professor was explaining to his students that a double negative in a sentence equals a positive statement. The words “I ain’t got no money” were written on the board, and he demonstrated his point by drawing a line through “ain’t” and “no.”

A student raised his hand and asked, “Is it possible that two positives could equ


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Why does Donald Trump have such a pillowy physique?

He's double-down insulated.

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Her - Come over

Me - I can't, I'm under arrest for double homicide.

Her - My parents aren't home.

Me - ..about that.

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Nsfw How do you make a little girl cry double time?

You hit her favorite plush with the bloody tip of your dick.

Hate me.

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A woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendra.

So the barman gives her one.

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Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

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Yesterday, I watched two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position.

It was a double-slit experiment.

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I hate these double standards. When a singer says touch my body its okay...

...but when I say it I’m “Not allowed back in Disney World”

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Man walks into bar

Man: why is there a horse in here
Bartender: well sir if you can make the horse laugh I give you $100, but if you can’t you have to pay me $100
Man pulls out his wallet and slaps $100 down on the bar and walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear and the horse starts laughing historically
Bartender: I’ll double or nothing if you can make him cry
Man walk


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I got mugged

Today I got mugged by a pair of Siamese twins. The police said I was just seeing double.

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What was Osama Bin Laden's favourite drink?

A Double Manhattan

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My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

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An English teacher is telling her class about double negatives. She teaches them that a double negative is a positive, but a double positive is not a negative.

Little Billy looks at her and says “yeah right”

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar

She winks at the bartender as she asks if he knows how to make a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.

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A woman walks into a bar...

The bartender asks her what she’d like. She replies, “I’ll have a double entendre.”

So he gave it to her.

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An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!"

The old man is very e


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I watched two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position today.

It was a double-slit experiment.

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Doctor: The results of your bold test have come in.

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

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Double negatives

A linguistics professor gives a lecture about double negatives, explaining that in English it indicates a positive, but in some cultures and other languages, it can still mean a negative. He says, however, that nowhere does a double positive ever mean a negative.

A rival professor sitting in the back says, “Yeah, yeah….”


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Last night my Dad asked me if I knew how to avoid getting in touch with my inner self

Double up on toilet paper to avoid a breakthrough.

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I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

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Doctor: The results of your bold test have finally come in.

Me: You mean blood test?

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: Hm. Must be a Type-O then.

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Doctor: The results of your bold test have finally come in.

Me: You mean blood test?

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: Hm. Must be a Type-O then.

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Being a prostitute is incredibly stressful and can affect your mental health. For example, after years of abuse from a particular client I flipped and broke his nose with a clock radio. Luckily my pimp paid him off, but I had to do double shifts for 6 months and attend anger management.

Anyways, the upside is that I'm now a calmer whore.

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Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The same voice in th


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So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...

So he gives it to her.

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How many people with OCD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One...wait. Hang on. Let me double check. Okay, one. It might have changed. I’ll just check one more time. Okay. Yeah, it’s one. Zero. One. It’s one. Hang on....

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One day, a linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

He explained that in English, a double negative forms a positive, whereas in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

"However", he continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice calls out, "Yeah, right."


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