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Jokes

Jennifer Attends a Beauty Convention

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If Christopher Columbus had had a wife, he would have had to hear: - Part I

- That you're going where?

- To find out what?

- And why do you have to go?

- You're an asshole... Or what!

- And why don't they send someone else?

- You see everything round!

- Are you crazy or are you an idiot?

- You don't even know my family and you want to discover the new world!


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Do you know why Christopher Columbus was able to discover America?

Because he was single!

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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

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A coworker to me: Isaac Newton didn't create gravity, so you wouldn't flew if he didn't "discover" the gravity theory. Yeah he "discovered" it, not create it!

Me: So based in your opinion, that means that gravity was covered before.

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What did the two gassy Pharaohs discover about one another?

They had toots-in-common

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The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.


This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

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Ive always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies

Not because I bought cheap one-ply toilet paper!

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In what season did Isaac Newton discover gravity?

Fall

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How did Sir Isaac Newton discover the gravitational law?

He saw your mom.

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How did Columbus discover the New World?

He sailed there occidentally.

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Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

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How do you discover that your Dentist is gay?

When you recover from the anesthesia to find that your ass hurts more than your mouth!

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The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!


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I bet the first people to discover vibranium were....

Vibing.

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My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

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I always thought I would discover my inner self through Eastern philosophy

Not through a piece of single-ply toilet paper.

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I was surprised to discover that all girls can do magic tricks.

They can disappear as soon as I start talking

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Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didnt discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

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Environmentalists discover a secluded community where everybody recycles

r/Jokes

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Credit Card Joke

A girl says to a guy, “How about I discover your Mastercard?” He replies, “You’ll need a Visa to ride the American Express...”

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Waking up an hour late for work, because the power went out in your sleep and your alarm clock did not go off, so you jump out of bed and haphazardly put on your work clothes, before realizing that your electric coffee maker won't work, so now you can't have any coffee before work, and now you will be significantly more irritable than usual. You can't function without breakfast, but


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I have discover Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit.

It's r/aww!!!!!!

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Don't trust your Spotify discover weekly because it was updated on April fool's.

Just sayin

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

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The first person to discover boomerangs must have gotten the biggest shock of their life when they saw the flying chunk of wood coming at them at 20kmhr

thats it...

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An motorcyclist got home late one night.

And he decided to take a bath. He suddenly ran out of the bathroom naked shouting....Ghost! Ghost! Ghost!

On hearing this, his neighbours rushed out,
Narrating his story, he said he has poured water on his head for about 5 times & the water was not touching his head.
only to discover that the idiot did not remove His helmet before having his bath


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Love is like that old junkie in the park, you pass in front of him everyday without noticig him

untill one day you discover he was always there and he stabs you

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In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.

Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans

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In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.

Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans

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I was shocked to discover my wife's nudes in my best friend's phone

And also puzzled why did he try to Photoshop my wife's face on nude bodies ....

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Scientists discover cure for HPV

No applause please

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Oh man, damn it.

I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!

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You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

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Unbelievable

Unbelievable, but mafia city wasn’t the first one to discover level upgrade

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NSFW The bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite.

Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, "Johnny, now that we're married, could you tell me what a penis is?"

 

Pleased to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her.

 

"Oh," she said, "it's just like a dick, only smaller."


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My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

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So why do you think you qualify for this interrogation position?

Me: I posses expert knowledge on this topic that allows me to always discover the truth.

Interviewer: And what is that knowledge?

Me: Look at the hips

Interviewer: Why would that help?

Me: Hips don't lie

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How did we discover felines on mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

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Why Would It Have Been Painful for Ren DesCartes to Discover Derivatives?

He would have created a Renal Calculus!

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My dad called and said hes in the hospital and had a stroke.

I left work to visit him only to discover he was seeing a fertility doctor.

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What do you get when you discover a communist smoking marijuana?

High Marx.

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Three blondes are walking through a forest...

When they discover a set of tracks.

The first blonde says “these are deer tracks”

The second blonde says “these are bear tracks”

The third blonde says “you are both wrong, these are coyote tracks”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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A person was driving residence late one evening,on a lonely highway and is feeling very sexy. As he's passing a pumpkin patch, his thoughts begins to wander.............



He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is delicate and squishy inside and there isn't any one round for miles."

He pulls over to the facet of the highway, picks up a pleasant juicy trying pumpkin, cuts the suitable measurement gap in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he's actually into it and would not discover a patrol automobile pull u


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While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me tyhis one some years ago. It is the worst home I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortunately, he has run out of his miraculous elixir! He needs to whip up a new batch. The


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Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing.

I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors. She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?”

My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”


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Last week, I went on one of those "connect with nature" backpacking trips

It helped me discover new facets of myself. For example, I discovered that I'm not the world's best planner and I should have brought more food. But that's a me steak I won't make again.

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Now that I think of it, the theory of relativity wasn't that hard to discover in the first place...

Einstein is 20/20

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The bashful bride and Groom

The bashful bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite. Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, “Johnny, now that we’re married, could you tell me what a penis is?”
Pleases to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her
“Oh,” she said, “it’s just like a dick, onl


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Why didn't Newton discover gravity while he was pooping?

Because he hadn't eaten the Apple from the ground yet.

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