Determined

Jokes

In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.

You had to call Shogun.

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Tragedy in the news today as the Energizer bunny was found dead

The cause of death was determined to be sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going, he kept coming and coming

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Three men go out hunting...

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After extensive analysis I've determined who the most open-minded American presidents were.

JFK and Abraham Lincoln.

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A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

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My boss pulled up to work today in a beautiful new Mercedes...

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Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

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Why was the term "YOLO" banned?

It was determined to be too offensive to hindus

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Coming home from work

I walked into my home to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall it said “We have your wife, if you need to see her alive again it will cost you $100,000, do not call the police, we are very determined, await a phone call.
They really are determined I have36 missed calls from them.

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A public school teacher was arrested today

at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying


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Glans

There has been a study at Cambridge University to determine why men have a knob (glans) on the end of of their dicks.

They spent £1.000.000 and announced that it is there to give women pleasure.

When Oxford uni saw this they did some research, cost £2.000.000 and determined that it is to give men pleasure.

Brighton Uni spent £50.00 and said


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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

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Starting next Monday, you can trade mushrooms on the stock markets

The SEC has determined that mushrooms are fungible.

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Researchers have determined all T-Rexs were male due to their mating rituals.

TearAnusaurus Sex

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To the woman on I-95 with a pro-life sticker on the back of your minivan:

Your driving determined that was a lie.

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A man goes to a hospital to get a physical.

The doctor says "I've determined that you need to stop masturbating so much."

The man asks "Why?"

The doctor says "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

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A rope walks into a bar and asks for a pint

the bartender replies "I don't serve ropes, you'll have to leave". The rope leaves determined to get served. He ties himself up, ruffles his hair and tries again. "Are you the rope i just threw out?"
Rope says "I'm a frayed knot mate".

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A mathematician saw one man walk into a bar. He saw 3 people walk out.

The mathematician determined that there must have been -1 people in the bar.

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A Billionaire's Proposition

A billionaire asked a woman, "Would you sleep with me for half my money?"

The woman said, "Yes I would."

To which he said, "How about for $25?"

She angrily responded with, "Hell no! What kind of woman do you think I am?!"

He looked her dead in the eye and stated, "We already determined that, now we


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Did you hear about the Chinese couple who were determined to have a Caucasian baby?

Obviously they couldn't because two Wongs don't make a white.

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A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same store the next day. Picking up the same TV, she brought it to


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A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I couldn’t make it out. I was so curious that I went around a


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I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyones help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

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Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

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The FAA has determined that it will never need to ground a Boeing aircraft again.

The planes can clearly ground themselves!

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Geneticist have determined diarrhea is genetic.

It runs in your "jeans".

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

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Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determined to rescue Peach once again.

"You-sa release Peacha right now! You cannot-a doin


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My ex-girlfriend said Im unattractive, when I look the same as when we dated.

I’ve determined that this could be due to one of three possibilities.
1. She’s lying to bum me out.
2. She willingly dates people she doesn’t find attractive.
3. She got a new optometrist.

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Doctors have determined the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels.

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The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

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Okay theres a lot of controversy but Youtube is still pretty reasonable, we dont need to hate on them

After review we determined that the activity in this account violated our Community Guidelines and has been suspended.
[Edit: nvm]

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Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, th


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Are you olive oil ?

Then no, your worth is not determined by your virginity !

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Police Troubles

Chris was driving his car down the interstate, when an ambulance goes flying past him. As it turns out, the doors were open, and a bucket flew out. When Chris stopped to pick up the bucket, he saw that there was a guy's toe in a bunch of ice.
So, Chris took off after the ambulance, determined to catch up to it. In his excitement, he went a bit over the speed limit, and ran into a police


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A man entered a restaurant



and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"


The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert her


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Standby for a special announcement from president Trump

"I have personally investigated the recent mail bombs being sent to prominent dems. And I have determined they could not have been sent by my supporters because they did not go off, they didn't work. So it must have a liberal false flag operation because we all now that liberals never work!"

​


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Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.

It was the left wing.

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Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the l


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If one's wealth was determined by how closely one follows a moral code

Evangelicals would finally be as poor as Jesus wants them to be

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A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For


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What do you get when you cross a rope with a criminal?

A vector whose magnitude is equal to the rope’s times the criminal’s times the sine of the angle between them and whose direction is mutually perpendicular to both the rope and the criminal as determined by the right-hand rule.

(When everyone inevitably finds this unfunny, just blame it on your poor execution)


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I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

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Tom Cruise is determined.

Utterly determined to convince us that he is 6'5 and perpetually 30.

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What do you call a group of Determined guys?

What do you call a group of some determined guys? *A gang*


What do you call a group of determined guys with guns? *gangbangers*


What do you call a group of determined guys with guns that are OCD about everything? *Anal gangbangers*

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A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you possibly identify wood?"


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Researchers have determined the number one cause of death is

drinking water, with an astonishing 100% of people who drink end up dead.

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What do toy trains and breasts have in common?

They are both determined for kids, but men play with them.

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A man decides to try something he wasnt used to...

He checked with his boss and planned a vacation. After he went home he decided to check out a travel agency. The lady working the desk informed him on a nice discounted trip to the Appalachian mountains. On the flight he read about climbing the mountains and various ways to do such. Once they landed he checked into a rented cabin at the feet of the peaks. He is walking along the market in town an


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