Deposit

Jokes

So, my girlfriend and I are trying to save up to put a deposit down on a house.

We're not doing very well, as all our grandparents are still alive.

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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean note system here."

"Not to


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Why did the quartz go to the bank?

To make a mineral deposit.

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I'll be awating the FBI's call after that one

Girl, are you a limescale deposit ?

...

Because I'll scrape your remains off of my bathtub.

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man responds I make bets and I won it on a bet. the bank manager is stunned, you mean to tell me that you


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A man walks into a bank and up to the teller line...

The teller greets him kindly and the man responds “I’d like to make a fucking deposit.”
The teller looks shocked and replies “Excuse me sir, could you please refrain from using that type of language in here?”
“Why god damnit, I just want to make a fucking deposit and I’ll get the hell outta here!”
The teller begins to get flustered


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What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

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Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."

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Sex is a lot like investing...

You make a deposit, it multiples over and over again.. eventually you make a withdrawal and then you end up broke.

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I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

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A proctologist walks into a bank.

While preparing to sign a deposit slip he reaches into his pocket for a pen but pulls out a rectal thermometer. Upon realizing this he says, "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

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Why can't we deposit cash using our bank's phone app the same way we can deposit a check?

*Edit: Nevermind, I forgot bills don't have a spot for a signature.

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Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

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Calcium got fired from the bank today.

They say he could only deposit.

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I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

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Youll lose your bank deposit at ...

Wells Forgo

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What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit or withdraw.

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Everytime I'm at the ATM cash deposit, and after I give it the cash it says "thank you" I'm thinking

This has been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever

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Whats worse than a dead puppy...

Not getting your deposit back.

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What did the banking customer respond with after being told the original deposit amount didn't matter?

"This is relevant to my interest."

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What did the banking customer respond with after being told the original deposit amount didn't matter?

"This is relevant to my interest."

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The Expensive Snore

A woman was nearing the end of her tether. Every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.
She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring," said the doctor, "but I must warn you that


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Where did the hamster deposit her paycheck?

Her shavings account

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I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

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What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank.

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

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Where do people from Prague deposit their money?

Into their Czeching account

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So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

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A lady comes to visit the bank to deposit 100,000$

the lady goes to the counter and slams the bill bundle on the table. The counter guy tells the lady to meet the bank manager to deposit such a large amount in cash.

So the lady visits the bank manager's room.

Branch Manager, "Please have a seat."

Lady, "Thank you"

Branch Manager, "How may i help you today?"


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I accidentally a bank for dogs

Very successful. Every dog in the neighborhood has left a deposit.

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Why did the proctologist did not like a fixed term deposit

Because they said they would pay the profit per annum.

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Why do millennials spend all their money on avocados rather than save up for a deposit on a house?

[deleted]

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A man walks into a bank and pulls out a gun.

He says, "I'm here to make a deposit. Put the money in the bank."

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What do you call a direct deposit that takes all of your money?

A Creampie

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Where do fish deposit their money?

River banks

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That attack in France was used using a hired truck...

I guess he didn't get his deposit back.

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Man walking into a bank...

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuc


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Where do polar bears go to deposit money?

A snowbank

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When squids deposit their ink...

When squids deposit their ink, why do they search for the loniest bank?



To find one that does not get included.

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So I walked into a bank with a bag of weed to deposit...

The teller asked, "what are you doing?"

I said, "I wish to open a joint account!"

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Birth Control

It's like direct deposit without the interest

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A nurse goes to the bank

As she is about to sign her name on the deposit slip she pulls out a rectul thermometer, "awww crap some asshole has my pen."

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What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

When you make a deposit, you lose interest.

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It's good times for German geologists

As they have discovered a large deposit of gemülichkeit.

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Grandma's advice

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…


Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when


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I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.

She really hates it when I call her that though.

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Quick, deposit money into my dad's paypal so he'll think he got money doing nothing... (yeah that's the joke)

LOL nice joke right? actually the real "joke" is I sort of borrowed 3 dollars from him

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Where does Darth Vader deposit his paycheques?



At the AT-ATM.

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Johnny Cash made a deposit

50 cent

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Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

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