Deliver

Jokes

What do you call a friend that you can rely on to deliver all the advertising material?

A brochure.

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How does a feminist deliver items?

She femails them

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People say timing is important in comedy

Guess that’s why my mom took nine months to deliver the joke

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How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother

Or

The doctors who were there during my birth.

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Deliver

Deliver - to remove ones liver

De-liver...

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I have ordered a letterbox for my front door.

I wonder how the postman will deliver it.

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I am starting a new venture

A food app that will help all of you reduce weight dramatically.


Basically it works as follows:


You order, we don't deliver!

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What is something that you could deliver to itself?

A mail order house

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Popcorn

So the other day, I was sitting there and I thought "you know what I want? Some popcorn". I love popcorn, especially fresh, warm homemade stuff. I thought about heading out to Argos or something to buy a popcorn machine but it wasn't gonna be open for the rest of the weekend, and I didn't want to wait that long, so I look it up on Amazon. Perfect, I find one straight away; good


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Popcorn

So the other day, I was sitting there and I thought "you know what I want? Some popcorn". I love popcorn, especially fresh, warm homemade stuff. I thought about heading out to a shop or something to buy a popcorn machine but it was Sunday, so nowhere was gonna be open for the rest of the weekend, and I didn't want to wait that long, so I look it up on Amazon. Perfect, I find one str


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Whats the name of a group of superheroes who instead of fighting crime, deliver nicotine?

The Juulstice League

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Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

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What boasts of ten but can only deliver eight?

An octopus with its ten-tacles

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"The Soviets are unbreakable. You can never make me talk!&quo


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Im trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

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I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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My devout Christian wife has promised to have sex today if this post gets a 100 upvotes.

PLEASE don't upvote this as she is still on a two day trip to deliver a religious sermon with our local pastor.

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I tried to post a joke about abortion but...

It failed to deliver.

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3 steps to disappointing everyone

1. Over promise
2. Under deliver

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I had high expectations for UPS...

...and oh boy did they deliver.

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A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

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The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each companys service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

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The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the


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What was the highest upvoted joke this April Fool's?

35k upvotes and I'll deliver.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and Theresa May?

A: The prostitute can deliver her sauce on time. Theresa couldn't deliver even after her third try.

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Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

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What's the difference between Pizza Hut and North Korea

Pizza Hut can deliver a Hawaiian on time

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What's the difference between Pizza Huy and North Korea?

Pizza Hut can deliver a Hawaiian on time

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Whats it called when storks deliver the wrong baby?

Male fraud

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A joke is like a baby...

You deliver it poorly and it dies

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A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she smartly sends the kid home to deliver her menacing missive.


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If Theresa May was to ever have a child, it would be birthed a fully formed adult because she cant deliver anything on time.

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Have you heard the one about the failed comedian?

He went to deliver the punchline but realized the real joke was in the comments

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The mailman was confused by President Lincoln's orders.

He was told to deliver to the Gettysburg Address.

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Standup comedy is a lot like project management

what matters the most is whether you can deliver on time

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I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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Republicans like to brag about increasing black employment

But only the Democrats have managed to deliver on 100% black employment.

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Republicans like to brag about increasing black employment

But only the Democrats have managed to deliver on 100% black employment.

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Why couldn't the Mexican lady deliver her baby in the U.S.?

Because it couldn't get over the uterine wall.

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I quit my new job as a postman right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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Giving birth in a hospital should be like ordering a pizza:

Deliver in 30 minutes or it's free

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I quit my job as a postman right away when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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How does santa deliver all the presents in one night?

He is omni-present

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Santa deliver



Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?

A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer

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(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!

Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!

“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta deliver presents to all the children I know!”

Desperat


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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the childr


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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

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What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

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What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

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When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

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