America is the best country on Earth.
Because Americans don't give a crap about what's happening in any other country, yet the world cares deeply about what's happening here.
I was putting on my running socks this morning
and was deeply disturbed. One was Regular, the other was Large.....
I was just abducted by an alien spaceship
And I must say I was deeply DEEPLY disappointed!
Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs
Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.
What does a female lawyer who has deeply internalized patriarchy say in court?
It really hit me today that I could die at any minute. Literally any second of the day could be my last. I dont want to die sad. If I can truly and deeply love myself I wont die alone, Ill die but in the arms of the one I love.
Cashier: This card was declined too, sir...
Coinkidink does not imply causalidink
That's all I've got, but 2 long island iced teas me thinks that is deeply, utterly hilarious. Back me up..?
I am deeply troubled that more than half the universe cannot be detected...
This truly is a dark matter
A man was deeply in love with his wife
So in preparation for their 50th wedding anniversary he worked and saved ALL year to buy his wife a very expensive pearl necklace. On their anniversary, he took her out on a sunset cruise, and when the sun was setting, he pulled the box out with the pearls. Just as he opened it, the boat hit a wave and it was thrown into the water.
He yelled at the captain, and luckily there was a di
Erotica and then some
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle li
Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the crash victim saying hes deeply sorry...
Only took him 21 years
How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Usually one, tulips are not planted that deeply in the ground.
A Note 7 and a Muslim walk into a bar...
The two deeply hated each other, but in the end, they had a blast.
Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.
Its a deeply rooted issue.
A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.
He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."
How to describe something which looks like valuable but truly valnerable deeply inside?
Two muskmelons fell deeply in love. One day, the first muskmelon asked, "Honeydew, will you make me the happiest melon in the world and run away with me and get married?" The second muskmelon replied, "I love you and I will marry you, but...
... we cantaloupe."
I have a blind friend who is deeply into Physics
His favorite topic is Sound.
The lawyer, deeply asleep in court
Judge: Mr. Lawyer, are you sleeping?
Lawyer: No, I was asleep.
Judge: It's the same thing!
Lawyer: No, it's not. The same way it's not the same thing to be fucked that to be fucking.
Have you seen the emotional documentary on the crew of a sinking submarine?
I haven't, but I've heard it was deeply moving.
Seems like John McCain is at the end stage of his cancer. I am deeply concerned
*Furrows brow. Takes no action.*
If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...
Youd be deeply impressed
I was standing right in front of him when he brought the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.
Psychiatrist: I am deeply sorry you had to see that.
Me: Why? It's my ears you should feel sorry for, do you know how much it echoes in a temple?
2 psychiatrists have just made love in a long deeply passionate session when....
One says to the other, "that was good for you. How was it for me?"
Commitment and eggs
Max: I hear you and Abby are in a committed relationship.
Nate: No way! We’re deeply involved, but we’re not committed.
Max: Deeply involved but not committed? What’s the difference?
Nate: Well its a lot like bacon and eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed!
Donald Trump is taking questions from journalists on his last day in office.
One journalist asks him, "President Trump, do you have a final thing to say to the American people as our president?"
Trump then looks into the camera, bows deeply, and yells, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
At a press conference, Sarah Sanders is asked, "why has Trump imposed tarrifs on soybeans but not chickpeas?"
Sarah rolled her eyes and contorted her face even more, then replied, "listen Jim Acosta, I don't know what you're agenda is with that question, but suffice it to say that the President's decision on which legumes to tarrif is deeply rooted in the fact that he's never had a Russian soybean on his head. Next question!"
Two melons were deeply in love.
Melon 1: “Let’s run away and get married”
Melon 2: “Sorry, I cantaloupe”
A man pushed a Q-Tip too deeply into his ear
And restores itself to the factory default settings.
WHy did the man get an erection from breathing deeply?
Love was in the air.
A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...
He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?&r
My wife and I are deeply in love and have bad allergies...
It's achoo love.
When I look at my wife, Im always reminded of my home in Ireland
Because she’s incredibly beautiful, wonderfully friendly, deeply cultural and innovative, but up at the top she’s a mass of complicated issues ready to tip over any second into bloody and terrifying violence.
I am deeply concerned that my mother-in-law is going to pass away soon.
A lady is giving birth in the hospital...
A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the doctor. The doctor turns back toward him, smi
A woman is in the doctor's office...
She says, "Doctor, kiss me."
He replies "I'm sorry, you're beautiful, but I can't do that, it would be unprofessional, I could lose my practice."
A minute later, again she says "Doctor, please, please kiss me, you're so handsome, I'm so aroused and dying to be kissed by you."
He says "I'm sorry,
Some insults are deeply sexist...
"You fatherfucking daughter of a dog."
A girls first time
You lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head. He has more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deep
A surface topologist sits in a coffee shop thinking deeply about his research...
he takes a sip from his doughnut.
I have a deeply religious Muslim friend who knows the Qu'ran back to front
Which is the way that the Koran is written. A surprisingly well informed joke about Islam (with apologies to Jimmy Carr).
A horny stonemason began attempting to drill a hole in my back with his penis. NSFW
I was deeply impressed.
As I strolled through the park I noticed a woman looking deeply distressed by the river.
A man placed flowers on the grave
of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief
I think people are getting sick of my jokes when they exhale deeply
I should take it as a sigh-n
The difference between Men and Women.
I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody
My southern and deeply religious family must hate math
Three blondes are in an elevator
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, s
I deeply regret having unprotected sex with my best friend's woman.
We started off watching a film, then we started hugging.
Eventually, one fling lead to a mother.
What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "The