Declare

Jokes

Declare grammar puns!

Give me all your grammar puns, it's imperative!

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I declare a war on calendars!

Their days are numbered.

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4th July

THE 4th of JULY
INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Only stupid Americans would declare a national holiday to celebrate a fucking Will Smith film.

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What did the male heterosexual coprophiliac soldier declare most important?

Duty. Honor.

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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated sex toy for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate


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[Kanpur University MA 1st year result](https://www.onlineinfodesk.in/kanpur-university-ma-1st-year-result-declaration-date/) will declare very soon students please keep visiting our page for latest updates

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Why did the murderous clown declare bankruptcy?

He was Pennywise and pound foolish

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Why did the Vatican declare pirates were outlaws?

Because the cabin boy wouldn’t share his booty!

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The people of the United States. It is now a time to declare a state of national emergency.

A man-child was told no for the first time in his life.

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Who would win in a race between a tortoise and a hare?

Juan Guaidó would win even though he did not participate in the race because all he has to do is declare himself the winner and Donald Trump will recognize it.

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How many Democrats and Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just close the lights and declare a government shutdown.

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How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Sixteen.

One to see that its burnt out.

One to confirm its out.

One to write an expose blaming the catastrophe on climate change.

One to state replacing the bulb would be racist.

One to state not changing the bulb to be racist.

One to determine the correct racial and gender makeup of the changing crew.

On


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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carr


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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carr


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I hereby declare anything black and white in the ratio 5:1 is automatically a meme.

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Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.

Turns out he had done some jury rigg


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What did the Jewish Bostonian woman declare to her Sunday bridge group about her recent knitting project?

"I'm so AUtistic!"

EDIT: Ahtistic.

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1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war...

5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.

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The customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father,
could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem,

I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous su


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If you think GOD is not Real...

Declare him as Integer.

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A little IT humor....

Why is it that after every software installation, I have to declare myself a citizen of Finland?

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I hereby declare these 2016 Olympic Games

Oilfishery open

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How would Donald Trump declare war on other countries?

"You're fired."

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Why did Isis declare war on the Kraft Foods corporation?

Because all macaroni is a pasta c

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Each year, in the south pacific polynesian kingdom of Tonga, it is customary for a care gift to be given from one island village to the other.

The most prestigious gift is a caged fruit bat known locally as a 'flying fox'. The bat is then set free by the receiving village in a celebration of peace and goodwill. In some years, the gift may be not given; this choice is up to the sole discretion of the village leader. In those years the leader would declare 'I don't give a flying fox'.


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France and Italy declare war on each other, who wins?

Neither, Italy switches sides and France surrenders, both lose

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I had a turd the other day that looked exactly like George Bush.

I shit you not! (It even tried to declare war on me)

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I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.

He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

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You can't declare Massachusetts a state of emergency

Because they're actually a commonwealth.

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Why didn't the iron bar amp gold ring declare war with one another?

Because they're alloys.

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An American and a German were playing "Thumb War"

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war."

"Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate."

"Einz, zwei, drei, so do I."

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"Father, may I ask a favor?"

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it


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If you jump off a bridge in Paris...

They'll declare you in Seine

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A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."


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So the CIA, FBI and KGB were having a competition...

CIA, FBI and KGB were quarreling which unit was the most efficient and they decided to determine this with a friendly competition. They went to the edge of a large forest and decided that whoever could find and bring a rabbit out of the forest would be the winner.

First goes the FBI. They return in an hour holding only bloody rabbit ears filled with bullet holes. "The rabbit resi


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I Sir Ender declare war on ...

wait wait we surrender

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