Deck

Jokes

Whats the difference between Africa and a deck of cards?

One has the Ace of Spades, the other is a space of aids

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If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

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A son was helping his father mow grass (an actual dad joke my dad told me)

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There's one thing I absolutely cannot deal with

and it's an incomplete deck of cards. Seriously Jeff, how do you expect we play poker with only two sevens?

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A homeless man saves a little girl ( very long)

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they call me McGregor the dock builder, no

But you fuck one goat...


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A guy complementing another guy's deck is totally normal. But change one letter..

And you could be in deep water.

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There was once a poor guy.

Once upon a time, there was a man. This man was pretty poor, living on the edge of poverty. This one day, he was walking the same route he always took. He went to the park, downtown, and then back home. But today would be different. As he was walking home, he saw the corner of something green poking up from beneath the gravel. A ten dollar bill. He ran over to it, picked it up, and dusted it off.


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Why did the deck blush?

Because it was caught watching paint stripping.

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Marriage is like a deck of cards

In the begginging it's hearts and diamonds, later it's clubs and spades.

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After striking out, what did North America say to the on deck batter?

Europe.

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Why cant you play with a shuffled deck of cards?

Because it is out of order

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What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

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Why cant the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

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A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”


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What does Pirate Santa say on the pop deck?

Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.

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A young man was on a boat and was horny...

He asked the captain,"Sir, what do we do when we get horny 'round here." The captain reaponded,"There's a barrel over on the right side of the deck, you may use that everyday except for wednesday." The boy asked,"Why not Wednesday?" The captain had a smug grin on his face,"Because that's your day in the barrel."


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The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very difficult to deal with.

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Why didn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captains always sitting on the deck

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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

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Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start off with two hearts and a diamond but it ends with a club and a spade.

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My Dad told me that marriage can be compared to a deck of cards.

It starts with hearts and rings, but you end up wanting clubs and spades.

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Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

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When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

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Why didnt they ever play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah was standing on the deck

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Why couldnt the sailors play cards

Because they were standing on the deck

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Where are all the Jews on the Starship Enterprise?

on the challah deck

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Where does Captain Picard go to enjoy an authentic Shabbat dinner?

The challah-deck

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A patient bursts into a doctors office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"



The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

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The Wanderer

There once was a young boy who was abandoned by his parents on the day he was born. He once had a name, but it has long since been forgotten. He grew up in an orphanage, lonely and sad, eating poorly and being bullied by the other children. The boy was awkward and gangly and was forced to watch his peers grow older and be adopted while he simply aged, waiting for the day when he came of age so he


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Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, Have you read Marx?

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

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What do you call an Irish man who spends all of his time hanging out on the deck .

Patty O'furniture

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I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadnt been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...


They told me they were still dealing with my order…

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Star Trek Enterprise's crew regularly visit this deck during for season's greetings.

Even in the cold expanse of space it is commonly understood that these are happly holodays.

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Heres a skate joke I just though up, i think you might appreciate it )

Ingredients

1 Roll up
180º Bs Turn
Land middle of deck on coping
1 Roll away

That's a recipe for "diasaster"

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Heres a skate joke I just though up, i think you might appreciate it )

Ingredients

1 Roll up
180º Bs Turn
Land middle of deck on coping
1 Roll away

That's a recipe for "diasaster"

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The bellboy at this hotel must be keen for his tips...

...I asked him to fetch me a deck of playing cards and it took him 52 trips to get them to me.

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This bellboy at this hotel must be really keen for his tips...

...I asked him for a deck of playing cards and it took 52 trips to get them to me.

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I was listening to Christmas music...



I was listening to Christmas music on the radio when 'Deck The Halls' came on. Apparently it's "not ok" to put on assless chaps while listening to it.

Kudos to whoever figures out this bad joke/riddle.

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Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

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Came up with this joke when i was 5. Why did the dinosaur fall in the paint?

Because he was painting his deck

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Came up with this joke when i was 5. Why did the dinosaur fall in the paint?

Because he was painting his deck

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Why can't pirates play cards?

Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!

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A ramp asks a deck "yo deck, why weren't you at the ramp party?"

The deck says "I had no inclination"

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Two Brits are lounging on the deck of a boat.

The first Brit says, "Good God sir, have you read Marx?"
The second Brit says, "Why yes, sir, I believe it's the wicker chairs."

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I lost my friends after a heated game of Blackjack.

In hindsight, improvising with a Tarot deck was probably a bad idea.

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Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight."

Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."

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Which is the President's favorite card in the deck?

The Trump Card.

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I visited a nudist beach and I must say I felt very uncomfortable.

Those deck chairs were awful.

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All I got for my birthday was a lousy deck of sticky playing cards.

I find it very difficult to deal with.

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