Deceased

Jokes

Two bodybuilders went on a funeral.

They gave their condolances and waited in the crowd. After some time the family was about to lift the coffin of the deceased when one of the bodybuilders said, dude let's go, I'm bored. The other replied, wait, I wanna see this deadlift.

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral.

A man leans in and asks “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. “Plethora” says the man. “Thanks” the woman says “that means a lot”.

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Serious Stop making fun of the mentally challenged. Reading jokes about themselves must be crushing for them.

Especially since they are mourning their deceased unvaccinated children.

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I walked into the airport with my recently deceased dog.

I was immediately stopped by security and airport staff alike.

"Sir, you can't bring that on a airplane."

"Oh, I thought I was allowed one carrion bag."

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Joe Biden's Real Defense of Inappropriate Behavior That Will Make You All Feel Guilty

The real reason why Mr. Biden smelled that woman's hair was because from a few feet he smelled the same shampoo that his dead wife used to wear. So, he got a little closer to her and just wanted to imagine his wife was with him a little longer.

The same goes for why he gave a woman a massage. The woman had the same color and style of hair as his deceased wife. So, he went over an


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A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."


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I got kicked out of a funeral today

Little did they know the deceased was into necrophilia too

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A heroin addict has overdosed and died,

So a friend of the deceased is giving the eulogy at the funeral, saying;

"He died doing what he loved.

Heroin."

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Yea, I got this vest from my deceased grandpa

It was hard to get it though, the priest wouldn't let me open his cascet.

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral.

A man leans in and says; “Do you mind if I say a word?”

She accepts.

The man then says: “Plethora”. And walks away.

She says: “Thanks, that means a lot.”

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral.

A man leans in and says; “Do you mind if I say a word?”

She accepts.

The man then says: “Plethora”. And walks away.

She says: “Thanks, that means a lot.”

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I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

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I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased

It was a dead giveaway

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A man asks to speak at a funeral

"Excuse me, can I say a word?"

The mother of the deceased person replied, "yes, of course."

"Plethora."

"Thanks, that means a lot."

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(Offensive Warning) What do you call a deceased black person?

Outdated farm equipment

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What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

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At a funeral...

The deceased man's brother turns to the widow and asked if she would mind if he said something.

"Not at all" she replied
"Plethora" the man's says
"Thanks, that means a lot"

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Our longtime friend

Winston Huddleston the 3rd... After many, many years of suffering, and fighting. Against all odds... Has finally found **eternal peace**.

All friends and family of the deceased are welcomed. His wifes funeral will be held on the 12 of Aug at their hometown cemetery at noon.

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to spread his ashes off the top of a mountain." The other two widows comment


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There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to go retrieve the nut.

Now of course this isn't always successful and occ


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Did you hear about the new whey protein powder that includes the ashes of deceased weight lifters?

Bros are dying to try it.

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "That means a lot"


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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I tell a joke?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, and says “A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I tell a joke?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman


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A woman is sitting at her deceased husbands funeral...

So a woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot".


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A gay man ate his deceased lover

A gay man ate his deceased lover.

He wanted to feel him slip out of his ass one last time.

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I had a problem with my dyslexic doctor today.

I went in diseased and came out deceased.

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If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

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What is a thing that Alan Rickman and David Bowie both have in common?

It is that they have both recently become deceased.

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A priest, a school principal and a lawyer attend a friend's funeral...

A priest, a school principal and a lawyer are present at the funeral of a friend of theirs. In his will, the deceased man left the priest, the principal and the lawyer twenty thousand dollars. Each was to place the twenty thousand dollars in the deceased man's casket for him to enjoy in the afterlife.

At the wake, the three meet and the priest cracks first. "I'm sorry t


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Larry LaPrise, writer of the Hokey Pokey, died recently.

His funeral was a solemn, tearful affair attended by Larry's friends, family, and fans of his seminal song. After a few hymns and a lot of mourning, it came time for the deceased to be put in the casket. They put his right foot in... and that's when the fun started.

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Deceased is being take in coffin up the mountain when...

It falls out and on its way down it gets stuck on a tree, the other day hunter passes by thinking that it's a bird and shoots it, deceased falls down leading the hunter to believe that he killed him so the hunter takes the dead body and throws it into the river. The other day poacher throws a dynamite into the same river and when it explodes the corpse flies out of the water, he thinks he kil


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I'm not a fan of anal sex with the deceased any more. In fact I only did it once in a blue moon.

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Everyone always says nice things about the deceased...

[deleted]

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A man suffering Crohns Disease who speaks to the deceased is currently fornicating with his obese wife.

he's a small medium in large.

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What do you call a deceased black person's favorite dance?

The Charleston

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There's this funeral service company in our town that offers 50 discount to the family of the deceased...

As long as they'll agree that the body will only be half-cooked.

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Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven...

Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, "$300,000, I was a lawyer." Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. "$75,000" the second man replied, "I was a salesman." Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the third man sheepishly replied, "Around $6000, I..." Peter interr


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Dead Pakistani

The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes.

St. Peter: “What do you want? ”
Pakistani man: “I’m here for Jesus.”
St. Peter: “Jesus, your taxi’s here!! “

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I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased.

I'm just not a mourning person.

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What did the necrophilic, pedophilic uncle say when he got to the house of his recently deceased niece?

I came as soon as I heard

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Lawyer joke(Not sure if repost)

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow c


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I went to the taxidermist yesterday...

I asked him how many bags of sawdust it will take to stuff my deceased flamingo and pig. He said, "Two in the pink and one in the stink".

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I went to the taxidermist yesterday...

I asked him how many bags of sawdust it will take to stuff my deceased flamingo and pig. He said, "Two in the pink and one in the stink".

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Fred is Dead, 236 Miles

That's the sign a man sees when he's driving back home across the country after a sales conference. He wonders about it for a bit, but curiosity passes.

Then, about an hour later, he sees another sign.

**Fred is Dead, 170 miles.**

Then he really starts to wonder. Who the hell is Fred?

**Fred is Dead, this exit.**

Unable to


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Have you seen Ray Charles's new house?

I highly doubt that you have, as he has been deceased for several years and is therefore unable to acquire a new house.

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Dirtiest Joke Ever Told

Two pigs fell in the mud and three came out.

I love this joke due to the fact that it was one of my deceased grandfathers favorite jokes to tell his grandchildren when we were young.

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