Deadly

Jokes

Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?

It was asbestos they could do at the time!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The deadly metric system

Be an American Use the imperial system Get shot by a 9mm

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The deadly metric system

>Be American
>Use the Imperial System
>Get shot by a 9mm

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Valentina Shevchenkos fists are so deadly

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then all of a sudden, someone yells:

"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What bear is the most deadly to humans and drive some animals to extinction this century?

The Tesla bears

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. **Fine:** This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.
2. **Nothing:** Means 'something' & you need to be worried.
3. **Go Ahead:** This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
4. **Whatever:** A woman's way of saying screw you.
5. **That's Okay:** She is thinking long & hard on ho


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Which plant is extremely deadly if you stand beneath it for five minutes?

The water lily

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money ove


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money ove


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

June is Pride Month...

...so what months does that make the six other Deadly Sins?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I dont know whats more deadly for white people...

...climbing Mt Everest or the heroin epidemic.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There are actually 8 deadly sins in total.

They just forgot to count Johnny.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do assassins and farts have in common?

The best of them are silent but deadly

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why is it so dangerous to scare an Englishman?

When surprised their stiff upper lip can be deadly

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why are Japanese rapists only interested in fat girls?

Fat mans are known to be quite deadly.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why do mosquitoes always leave an orchestra performance before it ends?

Because the standing ovation can be quite deadly to them

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is an office ninja's most deadly weapon?

The element of supplies

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Macaulay Culkin has once again asserted that Michael Jackson didn't abuse him ..

To be fair , I wouldn't want to cross a boy who can make deadly traps from everyday household items .

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There's a poison being shipped out to all the world leaders across the globe, said to be silent, quick and deadly.

It's named Agent 47.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Seven Deadly Sins Walk into A Bar

The Seven Deadly Sins walk into a bar. The bar tender asks each what they want to drink.
Sloth says: I'll have a Sleepy Sipper
Gluttony says: I'll have the Thanksgiving Special
Envy says: I'll have what they're having.
Lust says: I'll have a Sexy Serenade
Pride says: I'll have the strongest drink you have to offer
Wrath says: I


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The most deadly disease.

Birth is a disease with a 100% mortality rate.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What has eight legs, eight eyes, and weaves a deadly web of poison?

A Fox News "discussion" panel.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Women Are Like Snowflakes

... beautiful, unique, elegant, and deadly on the road.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear about the assault with a deadly weapon at the church?

I’m getting real tired of mass shootings.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear about the assault with a deadly weapon at the church?

I’m getting real tired of mass shootings.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why didnt Dr. Harold Shipman become a boxer instead?

He had a deadly jab.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Top 10 deadly wiring jobs.

Number 7 will shock you!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock?

A Diemond

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Fun Facts About Florida

**Europeans discovered Florida in 1513, when Ponce de Leon arrived on an expedition to seek out the Fountain of Youth. According to an interview with Ponce de Leon conducted just last month, he was unsuccessful.**

​

**Florida calls itself, “The Sunshine State”, presumably because “State Overrun By Poisonous Reptiles and Deadly Inse


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Stanlee is now...

Deadly ...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is Purple, Musical, and Deadly?

Thanos in a Barbershop Quartet!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A couple were having a baby boy. Just as he was born, the mother cooked up instantly. Why?

The son is a deadly laser

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A patient goes in to see his doctor

The doctor says, “I’m sorry but you have a terribly deadly disease. You only have 10 left to live.”

The patient responds saying, “10 what? 10 months? 10 years?”

The doctor pauses for a second, “9.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Deadly Weapon

Wife: I want to file a divorce; my husband attacks me frequently.


Divorce lawyer: Does your husband attacks you with deadly weapon?


Wife: No, he attacks me every night with his dead weapon

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the difference between a barn owl and fart?

One is actually silent but deadly and the other smells like shit.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm always confused by gay pride parades.

Don't the gays realize its a sin? One of the seven deadly ones, even!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Seven Deadly Sins walk into a bar

The Seven Deadly Sins walk into a bar. The bar tender asks each what they want to drink. Sloth says: I'll have a Sleepy Sipper
Gluttony says: I'll have the Thanksgiving Special
Envy says: I'll have what they're having.
Lust says: I'll have a Sexy Serenade
Pride says: I'll have the strongest drink you have to offer
Wrath says: I'll ha


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Kids in Hawaii are tough. Some say they are the toughest kids in the USA.

Their play time is deadly serious. They are the world champions in 'The floor is lava'.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Chuck Norris was bite by a deadly snake today

After 5 brutal days of agony, the snake finally died.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What form of deadly martial arts are soybeans trained in?

Tofu

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

School shooters are like farts.

Silent but deadly.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I wanted to be a vigilante but...

the heroin lifestyle is too deadly.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you commit one of the seven deadly sins you should be punished.

If you commit all of them you should be a politician.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's Silent But Deadly?

A black hole.
You can't hear in space.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a gay crocodile with a deadly disease

GatorAIDS

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

NSFW Sex at old age

A 82yo man tells his doctor, that he will marry a 23yo.

Doctor (with a smile on his face): But be careful. At this age, sex might be deadly, if you are not careful.

Man: If she dies, i marry another one.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Whats the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE