Dead

Jokes

If an orphan is someone with dead parents what do you call someone with dead kids?

An anti-vaxxer

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My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

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What did they call the blind villain?

Dead Eye

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To everyone still griping about Game of Thrones....

Your watch has ended..... TIME to to shut the fuck up!

(I actually LOVED ALL OF IT, even the choppy, chunky plot lurches of the final seasons cuz there were dragons and the dead killing each other 😛😂😛😂😛😂)

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I really have to pull out all the stops to convince the wife to make love

Light some candles for a romantic atmosphere, scented oils, a sacrificial goat and its blood to draw the pentagram, and she still screams "who are you?! Is that a dead animal? Why is there blood every where? The house is on fire!"

Things got pretty lit

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A family is found murdered

The police investigate 3 suspects, a neighbor, a relative, one of the father's coworkers. All of them deny it and have an alibi. The neighbor was grocery shopping, the relative was on vacation, and the coworker was home watching The Walking Dead. The police arrest the father's coworker. They found the alibi unbelievable, no one is still watching The Walking Dead.


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What's the difference between me and Jenny McCarthy?

When I mislead gullible mothers, their kids don't end up dead.

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When both of a kid's parents die, they are called an orphan. What do you call a kid with one dead parent?

Sad.

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Suicide Prevention

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy man wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”

He shrugged and turned away sa


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If you want to hide a dead body, hide it in Quadrant 3...

If you do, there will be no sines of its disappearance.

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A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight.

The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

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Why doesn't Hitler play badminton?

Because he's dead.

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Valerie Harper dead at age 80.

Following a private ceremony, there will be an open-casket service, featuring Sandy Duncan.

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What is the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead cats?

I don't have a Ferrari sitting around my garage.

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Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

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A pun walks into a bar

A pun walks into a bar, ten people died

Pun in,ten dead

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Two Irishmen were walking down the road together.

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There was two mice who lived together named Out and In

The two mice lived in the same hole, but whenever Out was out, In was in, and whenever In was out, Out was in. So that means that they were never in the same hole at the same time.

One day Out was out and In was in, but when Out came back home, he immediately knew that In was dead before going inside. How did he know that In was dead?

In stinked


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What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

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Why don't zombies post zombie memes?

Because it's a dead meme.

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What do you get when you breed a poodle with an elephant?

One dead poodle, split in half lengthwise.

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Whats black white and dead all over?

Night of the living dead

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A bomb fell on a graveyard

BOOM

Everyone is dead.

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Cemeteries always have the best location.

The dead center of town.

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How do you pronounce XXXTentacion?

Dead

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So, I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it would never get me anywhere in life...

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What's more sadistic than...

A dead baby in a trash bin?


.....


A dead baby in two trash bins.

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A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

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Dead anti-abortion advocates are hypocrites.

So much for being pro-life.

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Case of a dead jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.


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I'm trying to keep my will very secret

But honestly, it's a dead give away

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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

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In 897 the body of a dead pope was dug up and put on trial.

After a full procedure he was found guilty on all charges.
Apparently he didn't have much to say in his defense.

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A pun enters a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, 10 dead

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Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

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Do you know what the definition of a will is?

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I would never joke about animal abuse.

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"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

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I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

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Dont believe Bernie Sanders is a productive person?

He released his future plans to combat Climate Change yesterday and David Koch is already dead.

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If you want to communicate with the dead just have a midget smoke some weed.

So they get medium.

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Tragedy in the news today as the Energizer bunny was found dead

The cause of death was determined to be sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going, he kept coming and coming

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A pun walks into a bar and ten people drop dead

Pun in, ten dead

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How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Must be more than nine because my basements still dark.

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How many dead hookers does it take to change the lightbulb in my basement?

...Well, it's not 5.

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NSFW Three men meet up and decide to go take a walk in the woods. After a couple hours, they get kidnapped by a group of cannibals

The cannibals, feeling merciful, task all three men to find 10 fruits of the same type and bring them back.

The first man arrives an hour later with 10 apples, when the cannibals count them, they tell the man that, in order to be free, he had to stick all 10 apples up his ass without making any kind of noise or face, if he failed, he would be killed and then eaten.

The fi


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A pun walks into the bar and 10 people drop dead

Pun in, ten dead.

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A pun walks into the bar and then people drop dead

Pun in, ten dead.

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