I just saw this cute message on Facebook
“We were given: Two hands to hold.
Two legs to walk.
Two eyes to see.
Two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.”
Going by that theory I would also need to find: A liver, a small intestine, a diaphragm…
And a penis.
My girlfriend just told me, "You are cute like a cuticle!"
"What, pushed down and invisible?"
My wife and our cute little dog !
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said:
When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
Said the counsellor:
What phrase is funny and cute unless you say it during sex?
I'm 14 and this is deep.
My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?
Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops
Today I stole the heart of a cute girl
But then I got suspended as a heart surgeon
I heard there was an homosexual in my football team.
I hope it's Josh. He's pretty cute.
Me: Thats a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?
Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs
Me: Still in training?
The baby without ears.
How do you stop a cute animal?
You just press paws
Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.
A saint saved me from an avalanche
A Saint Bernard that is. He was cute and Friendly and brought me food.
Really cute puppy is lost in desert, it is really weak and it looks like it is about to die from dehydratation...
... and then suddenly it dies because of a heat stroke.
The Mammal and the Buddha.
One day, a group of explorers stumbled upon a small mammal in the forests of the Congo.
Very similar to a shrew, it was about 24 centimeters in size.
They followed it back to its home where they found tons more.
They haven't found this species before, so they named it after the first person who spotted it: Riposse Burgess.
It became famous.
The naughty fox
So there was a forest where all animals could walk and talk like humans and the prettiest female there was the fox. So all the male animals were chasing her and she picked the lion. You know, king and all that goes with it. They got married, lived happily ever after until the fox got pregnant. That sounded cool until she gave birth to...5 pink, cute piglets. The lion as an alpha male got really ma
Preaching the truth.
Guy talking to stranger: Bisexuality isn't hard to understand. Guys are cute girls are cute. What more do you want from me.
*stranger cocking gun* : Your wallet.
Me: I'm scared of awkward silences...
Therapist: WOAH, ITS OKAY ITS OKAY!
Me: Phew, you saved me there... Say, how about you and me go out for dinner after this? I think you have a great personality, and are pretty cute. I know this is unprofessional, but hey, love is love.
The baby with no ears.
If wife is prego she'll just be a cute fat teddy bear...
Wife: You won't leave because you are a-dick to me.
Me: You mean addicted...
It's so cute when those little fingers can only grab your finger.
It was nice meeting Peter Dinklage.
I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop
So i painted my it black
What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?
A blonde man is in bed with a women
The women says, “I must warn you, I have an acute ‘V-Giny’”
The man replies, you also have cute breasts”
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Oh... That's so cute! Can you pick up peanuts with it?
I have awwwwwwwtism.....
...I can't tell when people are being cute
Woman searching for a husband
A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high paying jobs"I can do better" she thinks to herself. On the third floor, she finds nic
She: so what do you do for a living?
Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals.
She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart.
Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls.
What did Gordon Ramsay say when he saw a cute cat gif on Reddit?
ITS FUCKING r/aww !!!!!
This was a cute girl at the cafe I wanted to ask but I got scared
Guess I should have turned my nervous system into a confidence system
So i asked a cute homeless girl could i take her home.
But i dont know why she was so confused when i walked off with her cardboard box.
A little girl was digging a hole in her back yard and the dad came out and saw her.
Dad: “Hey honey what are you doing?”
Girl: “I’m digging a hole!”
Dad: “I can see that but why?”
Girl: “Cause my fish died. So I’m burying him!”
Dad: “Aw that’s cute! But why is the hole so large”
Girl: “Cause it’s still inside your fucking cat!&
Husband Pays His Wife 20 bucks every time they have sex...
So I heard this joke today on the joke of the day via a classic rock station called The Fox in Colorado. So shout out to them! Here we go:
A man and woman have just gotten married and on their wedding night while about to have sex the wife tells her new husband that it will cost him 20 bucks to have sex with her. The man thinks she's just being cut
I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.
She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.
I punched the Doctor this morning. Thats for saying my wife has a cute fanny i said.
The Doctor screamed “You idiot,i told her she had acute angina.!
One in our group of friends is supposed to be gay.
I hope it's Dave, he's so cute.
What's the most adorable thing about Chernobyl?
A cute radiation poisoning
I took my daughter out...
I took my daughter to get her own bed today. She got sad because she couldn't find the one she wanted.
I brought my daughter home, and wrapped her in a cute blanket to comfort her.
Over a week ago I accidentally uninstalled my Google keyboard.
Now I'm back to ducking and ducking and shut and you know I'm trying to cute right?
Punch of the Day
Once A Man Asked God: "Why All Girls Are So Cute & Sweet, And All Wifes Are Always Angry
God Answered: Girls Are Made By Me ... And you make them Wife's..!!!
Your Problem You solve... !!!
My cute female friend said we should streak on Snapchat.
She did not mean what I thought she meant.
Are you a stoner
Cuz I think weed be cute tother ;)
Felt cute, got pregnant.
Might delete later.
Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad you wanna box?
“Nah, I would rather wrestle”
My friends asked me, how it was like dating a diabetic. Pretty cute, Id say. You would always get her candy.
After all it was bloody hard for her to get after you with just one leg.
How would you get the attention of the cute Air Stewardess?
Shout “I have a bomb”
How do you know when a cop kills an innocent man in America?
When the front page of reddit is filled with cute police dog pictures
Two men were talking at a Bachelor party
The first man says to the other "Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay? I wonder which one it is?"
The other man said, "I hope it's Jeff, he's cute"
They say one in four people is gay.
Looking at people in my friend group, I think it is Mark. He is really cute.
My dick is like a marshmallow
It's tiny, fluffy, and girls think it's cute