Customs

Jokes

Fuck you Korea

100% true.
My friend works as a biosecurity agent at Auckland Airport and told me about a time when his Korean colleague, Alex, had to process a Chinese passenger with a thick accent.

"Is there anything in your bag we should be concerned about?"

- " Fuck you Korea."

"Sorry?" Alex can't believe what he's hearing.


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Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

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Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

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El Paso will be shutting down border crossings due to mob demonstrations, according to Customs and Border Protection.

Asked for a comment, the mayor sheepishly admitted "More like El None-Shall-Pass-o".

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An American anthropologist is studying a remote polytheistic culture

The anthropologist develops a good rapport with the native culture, and begins teaching them English and American customs in exchange for them teaching him their language and customs. One of the things that he finds most fascinating about the culture is that they believe that every object in the universe belongs to one of their pantheon of gods.

Even more interestingly, the names of t


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Did you hear about the Customs Officer who started shooting the immigration queue in Heathrow Airport?

I'm told he was borderline crazy

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The expensive watch

At Heathrow, our man - returning from a trip to the Far East and lugging two obviously heavy suitcases - is stopped at customs. "Anything to declare?" asks the customs official.

"Only this watch" replies the gent, indicating the shiny new digital timepiece on his wrist. "It cost over a thousand pounds!"

"A thousand quid for a digital wat


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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated sex toy for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate


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Vladimir Putin visits Eastern Europe

Vladimir Putin decides to visit Eastern Europe one day. He flies into Belarus, and quickly finds his way to customs. The customs officer asks him a few questions. “Name?” “Vladimir Putin” “Age?” “66” and finally, “occupation?” “no, just visiting”


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Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze da


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A man travels to the USA.

The customs official asks: "Are you carrying any firearms?"

The man replies: "No sir, I am not."

"Well in that case here's a loaner", says the customs official, who proceeds to open a drawer and hand the man a PMR-30 and box of ammo.

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Vladimir Putin goes to the airport..

Customs agent: “Where are you are you headed?”

Putin: “The Ukraine”

Customs agent: “Occupation?”

Putin: “No. Just visiting.”

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A dude goes to Australia

He gets off the plane, then waits to go through customs

"Do you have a criminal record?" The customs officer asks.

The guy replies:

"No, is it still required?"

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5 ppl in Audi Quattro

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them,
"It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.

"Quattro is just ze name


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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old m


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Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

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An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough


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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old m


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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you


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As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...

"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."

"Which university are you going to, son?

"Yale, mate"

"I SAID WHICH UNIVERSITY ARE YOU GOING TO, SON?!?!"

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Customs agent asks an arriving Saudi prince, Any drugs, cigarettes or alcohol?

“No, thank you. I brought my own.”

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U.S? Customs agent asks arriving Russian, Any drugs, alcohol or cigarettes?

“No, thank you. I brought my own.”

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Priest and his instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through cu


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No Good Deed



I have a friend who studied marine biology at Scripp’s Institute. After graduating, he got a job working for the navy on a secret project to train porpoises to talk. They discovered porpoises learn better when they eat a strict diet of mynah birds. Having a shortage here, he was sent to China to get a shipment. Upon return to the states, he had to go through Customs who promp


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Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Well, if you insist " he replied.

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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carr


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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.



A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of mo


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Passport? What Passport?


Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 92, arrived in Paris by plane with his son.

At French customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should


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A hen lays an egg on the wall between two properties in Scotland.

This being a wall between two farms they can't be sure who's hen it was either. When one farmer, who was an immigrant, came out to collect the egg, the native Scottish neighbor comes out and lays claim to the egg as well.

After a few moments of polite discussion they decide there's no way to tell who the egg belongs to, so the Scottish man proposes a solution.


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A beautiful young woman asked the priest for a favor

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry


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I convinced my wife to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her butt.

A can is too expensive in the departure lounge.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old m


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I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have rea


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A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him
“Name?”
“Hans Mueller.”
“Place of residence?”
“Munich.”
“Occupation?”
“No, just vacation this time.”

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A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him do you have any criminal history?

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

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A Soviet Jew finally got an exit visa to Israel.

He packs his stuff and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of the General Secretary.

At the border, the Soviet customs officer asks him: "Why would you take such a painting with you to Israel"?

The Jew answers: "If I get homesick in Israel, I just take at the painting of our great leader and all will be fine."

Later,


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So Im at Customs and the boarder agent holds up my passport, squints their eyes and says ... Is-real

I said yes it is, now can I go?

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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carr


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As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

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German vs Italian

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, “It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze


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After my flight arrival in Munich . . .

After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.

I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.

I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."


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A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

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50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

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Nobody eats up your ass better...

Than the service dog at the customs, after detecting a bag of cocaine in your sweet spot.

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Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

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As a customs officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

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I hate people that take drugs....

Especially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

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My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".


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A Man is going through Australia Customs...

He is asked by the customs agent “Do you have a criminal record?” To which the man replied “No, I didn’t know that was still a requirement.”

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