Crystal

Jokes

St. Peter was giving an angel their first tour of Heaven. "We keep the Holy Cow in that big red barn, the Holy Mackerel in that crystal blue lake over there. I guess I don't have to tell you what we keep in there..."

He said, pointing at the bathrooms.

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I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!

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What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

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I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

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I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

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What did the skeptical crystal say to the priest?

Amethyst

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How did the gypsy ruin his wife's future?

With his crystal balls

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Why shouldn't you sleep with a crystal hippie?

Because you might contract genital quartz!

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So a goat was found dead on it's house

The police report said, that the goat overdosed on Crystal Mehhh

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Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for many months and having completed all the necessary readings of varied tomes, Sarah was tau


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A father is sitting at home late at night when his young son walks through the door

“Where have you been? Your mother and I have been worried sick!”

The son thinks and says, “I was just out with this girl named Crystal. You’d like her dad, she’s smokin” He says with a chuckle and a smirk.

The father is pleasantly surprised, he didn’t know his son was involved with women yet. “Good for you son, I’m gla


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My neighbors have been cooking Crystal until an explosion destroyed their kitchen.

The really methed it up.

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A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked nonetheless, "What does my future look like?&quo


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What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

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Crystal had her first period...


Crystal had her first period when she was alone at home and didn't knew what to do.

So, Cristal remembered that her friend, Johnny had a sister and went to his home.

When she arrived, she asks:

Hi Johnny, is your sister at home?

No, Crystal, why? you hardly speak to her.

I know, but it's a girls thing.


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One minute you're born, the next you're high on crystal meth beating a hooker to death in a Motel 6.

Life is a journey, not a destination.

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John asks Crystal to prom

Crystal says she would love to go to prom with him. So John starts to get everything.

The first thing he wants to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the local shop and notices the line to get one is extremely long. But, being the kind and loyal man he is he waits and gets his tuxedo

John also wants to get flowers for Crystal. He goes to the local flower shop to get roses then no


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What do you call crystal clear pee?

1080p

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What do you call a crystal clear urine?

1080 pee

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What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee.

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What did the Nazi soldier say on the crystal night?

Lets go clubbing!

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Went to an Italian psychic recently so I could speak to my uncle Tony.

She performed the whole seance with a crystal meatball and a Luigi board.

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One day, a kid was walking through the forest.

Suddenly, he encountered a falling beehive. He tried to run away, but to his surprise, they didn't follow him. He walked up to it, and... they didn't do anything. He picked it up, and... yeah, nothing happened. He's really surprised by this, so he decides to run home to his parents with the beehive, wanting to keep it.

When he gets home, he sees his mom watering the flo


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Hitler went to see a clairvoyant

In the mid-stages of the Second World War, Adolph Hitler felt that his plans were getting bogged down, so he went to see a clairvoyant.

"When will I rule the entire world?", he asked.

The clairvoyant consulted her crystal ball, looked at the tarot, double-checked his birthday and astrological charts... "I'm sorry Mein Fuhrer, but you will die before yo


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Their's a mark on the wall

Mark get off the wall

their's a rose in a bush
rose get out of the bush

their's a fin on a shark
fin get off the shark

their's a crystal in a cave
crystal get out of the cave

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A man goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the man.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The man was hesitant and doubtful but asked nonetheless, "What does my future look like?"


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Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?

Her husband had a Hallow-weiner and crystal balls.

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What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

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A man goes to a fortune teller...

and asks if she can tell him whether there are golf courses in heaven. She peers into her crystal ball for a moment and then says, "I have good news and bad news. There are golf courses in heaven and they are beautiful beyond compare. The bad news is you'll be teeing off tomorrow at 8 A.M."


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What pops when heated and used by alot of the poor and rural farmers?

Crystal meth.

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Did you hear about the new unexciting drug?

They call it "crystal meh".

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National Kissing Day

Because today is national kissing day, let me tell you the story of Motshan Lee, the gypsy arbor, who came up with the name.

Motshan, a Romanian born in 1564, was incredibly fond of kissing. In the mid 1500's, romance (named after the most romantic country of Romania) was thriving, however the act of kissing was typically called "mouthing" or "sharing saliva"


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A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."


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A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball, gasps with horror and says "By the next full moon, you're husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that. Tell me if I'll get convicted it or not."


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The inventor of the crystal ball has just died in a car crash.

Guess he should have seen it coming.

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The inventor of the crystal ball has died.

He never saw it coming.

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The inventor of the crystal ball has died.

His funeral will be held very preciously

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It's weird how people from the ghetto name their kids things they don't have or can't afford.

Mercedes, Crystal, Lexus, Diamond, Ruby, Love, Harmony, Hope...

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How would you calculate the mass of crystals

using crystal maths

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Forget Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

It’s all about Illinois Bob and the Township of the Glass Femur

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Pasta

have you guys ever tried to make pasta and accidentally made crystal meth

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Dunkin Blamed for Crystal Gayle's Loss of Iris Pigmentation

I heard it in, "Donuts make my brown eyes blue"

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A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."

"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"

"Ha! That's what you think!"


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A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night...

They're Crystal Methodists.

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Whats the difference between Crystal Pepsi and Jesus

Crystal Pepsi came back

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What does Tom Cruise and Pepsi Crystal have in common?

[deleted]

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Two whores

Two prostitutes Crystal and Amy are looking for perfume so they head to Macy's and ask the nice classy woman behind the counter for help, knowing that the two women are ladies of the night she shows them a cheap bottle to which the two girls decline then the nice woman shows them a bottle called "come to me" which she thinks would attract more business for them, crystal picks it up


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Two whores

Two prostitutes Crystal and Amy are looking for perfume so they head to Macy's and ask the nice classy woman behind the counter for help, knowing that the two women are ladies of the night she shows them a cheap bottle to which the two girls decline then the nice woman shows them a bottle called "come to me" which she thinks would attract more business for them, crystal picks it up


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What did one salt crystal say to the comedian salt crystal?

[deleted]

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I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

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