A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house....

Not a creature was stirring cause I knocked everyone out!

Dog is the second smartest creature, behind Man.

Which puts women down to the 3rd place

Near the beginning

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats smaller creatures and are really hard to find.*

---

What do you call an aquatic creature with a mentor?

An apprentishrimp.

Mythical creatures.

A 2nd grade teacher is telling her class about mythical creatures. She tells them she's she's going to give them clues & wants them to identify what mythical creatures she's talking about.

She starts off by telling them that this mythical creature is rarely seen because it only goes outside at all, and especially stays inside during the day because it's dan

---

What is the difference between Americans and maggots?

One is a disgusting creature that serves no purpose and should be exterminated, while the other is a maggot.

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

I'm in a beautiful and supportive relationship with an undersea creature.

It's a moray.

So my girlfriend got a new dog

That fuckin' creature bit me and I had to run to ER because it wasn't vaccinated. Unfortunately, when I defended myself I accidentally killed it. I swear I was just trying to keep it away from me..

​

>!Who's gonna take care of her dog now?!<

What do you call a sea creature that lives in outer space?

A starfish.

My favorite mythical creature?

Jesus Christ

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

Life is a drag

A mysterious mythical creature once asked me, is life going to dragon forever.

Trial for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.

She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.

She moved again and the man laughed even more!

She filed a court case against him.

But in court, the man's de

---

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What do you call a stupid microscopic creature

A retardigrade

What is the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, and The other one actually shows up when it rains.

The Blue Whale is the largest creature to ever exist on the planet Earth.

But Greg's Ex-wife is a close second.

I'm not a medieval creature

but I'm dragon.

When I'm super tired at work...

I tell my coworkers I'm a mid evil creature because I'm dragon.

A wild brown rabbit recently became the world's very first non-human creature to be charged with a crime and subsequently arrested. The charge:

Disturbing the peas!

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

Which oceanic creature is the most envious of others, particularly when it comes to makingeating peanut butter sandwiches?

The jelly fish

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

Which sea creature would be the slasher-stalker in the horror movie of the ocean?

The killer whale

As Jesus was traversing a vast expanse of sand and heat he came across a homosexual, dying from thirst.

As the son of god Jesus pitied the man, saved his life, and offered to lead him out if this forsaken land. Gladly the man agreed to follow him out of the desert.

Soon Jesus came across a tortoise that had fallen on it's back. As he bent down to help this poor creature the gay man, who had not been with another man in a long time, could not resist the temptation and tried to moun

---

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

One large woodland creature that cant feel pain, four large woodland creatures that cant feel pain, three large woodland creatures that cant feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that cant feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a little country girl, the prettiest creature who was ever seen.

Now she grow up.

I was explaining to my wife last night

​I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

What do you call a LGBT imaginary creature?

Fake and gay

A poor kid had a dream

She saw the most horrible,terrifying creature in the world.

When she asked her hardworking single mom what is was.

Mom replied 'it is a man'.

A guy walks into the bar with a lizard type creature on his shoulder...

He says to the barman "I will have a pint of larger for me and a shot of whiskey for tiny" as he points at the lizard type creature on his shoulder. The barman asks "Why do you call that tiny?" and the guy replies "cos hes my newt"

(For those who point out the word "cos".... its slang for because!)

---

Gut walks into the bar with a lizard type creature on his shoulder...

He says to the barman "I will have a pint of larger for me and a shot of whiskey for tiny" as he points at the liard type creature on his shoulder.

The barman asks "Why do you call that tiny?" and the guy replies "cos hes my newt"

What do you call an egocentric sea creature

A selfish

An alien ordered a drink at a bar.

Everybody started in awe, as they just saw an actual outer space creature.

An alien ordered a drink at a bar.

Everybody started in awe, as they just saw an actual outer space creature.

Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

Yo mama so ugly

Yo mama so ugly, she was the creature from the Bird Box

An explorer in the jungle comes across a single pygmy standing ontop of a freshly killed T-Rex.

Amazed, he asks the pygmy, " my, how did did you kill this huge and magnificent beast?"

"I killed it with my club..!" Answered the pygmy.

"Jesus! How big was your club to kill such a dangerous creature???" Asked the explorer.

"About 1,000.." answered the pygmy.

---

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

4 of the best hunters in the world went in a competition in Africa

They would hunt animals and see who could get the best kills.

After 2 days they come back to the meeting points and talk about their hunts

"I killed 3 elephants. They were really tough but it wasn't that hard" said the first

"That's nothing, I killed 3 elephants and 2 lions" said the second.

The third one says "

---

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

What's the only sea creature who's as good in bed as I am?

The smashdapuss.

What's the difference between a worm and someone who steals the punchlines of jokes that got gilded?

One's a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, and the other actually shows up when it rains.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.