Cream

Jokes

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream.

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My uncle used to own an ice cream shop, but he missed a single payment to the electric company.

They liquidated his assets.

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A penguin is on a road trip and his car breaks down next to a small town.

He walks over to the mechanic nearby and the mechanic tows his car over to the shop to look at. The mechanic says that it will take a couple of hours, so the penguin walks around and checks out the town. He ends up getting a HUGE ice cream cone and ends up getting really messy. He walks back to the mechanic to check on it, and the mechanic says, "Dude, it looks like you blew a seal!" The


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Do you ever sit back and wonder how whipped cream earned its name?

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The little Cowboy

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I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

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I was doing some landscaping at the Mental Institution.

A patient looked into my wheel barrow. "Whatcha gonna do with all that shit?", he asked.

"I'm puttin' it on the strawberries."

"That's funny. In here, we put whipped cream on ours."

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Doctor, "I have a strawberry stuck up my butt!"

Doctor: "Put this cream on it!"

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Why did little Joe dropped his ice cream?

He got hit by a bus

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Who hates ice cream

v e g a n s

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I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechless.

She walks up and I take her order and she orders a Mocha Cream Frappuccino, her na


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My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way

I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

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An old man...

An old man hobbles into an ice cream parlor. After he takes a minute to catch his breath, he orders an ice cream sunday.

"Crushed nuts, sir?"

"No, Arthritis"

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An old couple started thinking they had memory problems.

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An old couple started thinking they both had me sorry problems.

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Why can't you make ice cream out of Mexicans?

The taste is so good, it should be illegal.

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A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

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I went back to see my doctor yesterday.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."


"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.


I said, "On the bus!"

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What caused the little boy to drop his ice cream in the middle of the street?

He got hit by a truck

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A man bursts into a doctors surgery. Doctor, doctor! Ive got strawberries coming out of my anus!

The doctor asks if the man would like some cream for it

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There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into existence next to me and would want to accept my gift and be my girlfri


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My son dropped his ice cream cone on the sidewalk.

I picked it up, gave it back to him and said "Don't worry, now it's Rocky Road!"

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What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids?

A custardy battle

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I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me...

.. After today, the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

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Jean-Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop

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An ice cream vendor was found dead this morning.

He had a flake up his bum and sprinkles all over his dick:

Police think he topped himself:

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What do you call a medicinal cream developed by pigs?

Oinkment

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Do you like ice cream?

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Saw an ice cream truck with a sticker that said Stop for children

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Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because his uncle molested him

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Why were the pirates happy when they washed up on shore and saw cakes, pies, and ice cream?

It was a desserted island.

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So how does it feel being made up of ice cream?

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

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What happens when Trump eats ice cream too fast?

Nothing

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What do you call jalapeo flavored ice cream?

Spice cream.

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A Man goes to the doctor

with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

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At the grocery store a lady approaches a man and says, "Hey, I think you're the father of one of my kids." He said, "Are you the stripper from that bachelor party that I made passionate love to while my mates sprayed whipped cream all over our butts and I never told my wife?"

"No, I teach your son in my 4th grade class."

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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

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A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

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What do you call jalapeo flavored ice cream?

Spice cream.

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Left over Ice Cream

We made home made ice cream for my Mother in Law's birthday. The leftovers went home with my bother in law.

Next day, to his son, after looking for the ice cream and not finding it;

"Did you you eat all the Ice Cream?"

"No! I ate the rest of it!"

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Little Johnny is sitting in class not paying attention as usual when the teacher calls on him

“Ok Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on the fence and the farmer shoots three how many are left?”

Johnny thinks about it and says “There will be zero left, because the gunshot would have scared them all away!”

“No Johnny there will be two left, but I like the way you think.”

Johnny, a little annoyed responds, “


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I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

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Ice-cream man was found dead this morning with a flake stuck up his arse and sprinkles and chocolate all over his body:

Police think he topped himself.

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Someone broke into our shop and stole all 31 flavors of ice cream

It was a Baskin-Robbery

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The guy spots a girl with a big boobs having an ice cream

He approaches her and says: "Don't get me wrong, but I'd love to lick it".

She is puzzled, and stretches the arm towards the guy.

Guy: "I just knew you would get it wrong..."

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Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird the other four would fly off so none woul


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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. "Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream" "Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream." "Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?" "Ma'am. How do you


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Why can't Germans make great ice cream?

They don't wanna make it too reich.

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