Crawl

Jokes

A woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: "honey, there are thieves around the house trying to get in?"

Him: " ah shit, what should we do?"

Her: "go crawl near the curtains so they think we have a dog and get scared"

Him: " better yet, get your mother to go near the window and they'll think the house is haunted!"


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A woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.

Her: " love wake up, I think there are thieves trying to enter the house"
Him: " the fuck you want me to do about that?!"
Her: " go crawl around the curtains so they think we have a dog and get scared"
Him: " better yet, tell your mother to go to the window and they'll think the house is haunted!"


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A sergeant shouted at some recruits to go under a net.

One of the recruits assume a swimming stance.
The sergeant asks: "Why are standing like that? "
The recruit replies:"I'm going to do Front Crawl."

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Sam was at the bar

-Disclaimer - im on mobile, sorry for the formatting.-

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scr


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Possible OC??

What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus?


One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl.

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End Game Spoilers: Thanos uses the infinity stones to crawl into Ant Man's Ass

And that means Thanos wins.

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A semi fire on the interstate slowed traffic to a crawl.

I would hate to see a full fire could do.

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A semi fire slowed traffic on the interstate to a crawl.

I’d hate to see you with a full fire could do.

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Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air


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What did Stephen Hawking say to Neil Degrasse Tyson when they had a falling out?

Go crawl back up inside your mother's supermassive black hole.

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Sam had been at the pub for hours

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air


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Ed Zachary disease

A lady visits her doctor (Asian) and tells him she just can't get any sex.

The doctor tells her to take off all of her clothes and crawl from one side of the room and back

The lady thinks "this is pretty odd, but he's the doctor..." Strips down, and begins to crawl

As she reaches the first side of the room the doctor says "hmm",


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Ed Zachary disease

A lady visits her doctor (Asian) and tells him she just can't get any sex.

The doctor tells her to take off all of her clothes and crawl from one side of the room and back

The lady thinks "this is pretty odd, but he's the doctor..." Strips down, and begins to crawl

As she reaches the first side of the room the doctor says "hmm",


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It is 1am when a drunk man at the bar decided to call it a night.

He leaves the bar completely drunk, tries to take two steps and collapses miserably on the floor.

He says to himself: "Well, my poor old man, you’ve had a bit too much .... let's to crawl to the exit to breathe some fresh air, it'll be better afterwards”.

​

He crawls outside and he holds on to the hood of a car with


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Why do Swedes crawl on the floor in stores?

To look for the lowest prices.

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Why did Donald trump crawl over the glass wall?

He wanted to see what was on the other side.

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I feel the same way about spiders and gays

I have no issue with you and think you're cool so long as you don't crawl onto me in my sleep

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I love to drink

Love it. Do it all the time, every day, always have. I don't know where it comes from either. Hell, even my parents tell me, when I was just a little baby, I used to climb out of my crib every morning, and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet... to try to spend time with them.

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Size matters

A man is walking down the street and this hooker asks him, "Wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he says and they go to nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he just keeps starting her.

She says, "Is this the first vagina you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one


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A teacher took his students to a swimming lesson.

The teacher first asked his class to do a breaststroke. All did but one boy: he did the backstroke.

The teacher then asked the class to do the crawl - again the boy continued to do the backstroke.

When the teacher asked him why, he said,'I didn't want to swim on a full stomach!'.

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After some serious drinking and three attempts to walk home upright, some guy decides to crawl home instead...

The next morning his wife yells at him; "Come on, how much did you drink yesterday?!"

"Why, not that much, i guess?"

"The bar just called, you forgot your wheelchair"

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Two brothers are sitting in cow paddock...

When one brother turn and says...

Brother 1: "yo bro, I dare you to crawl under that cow!"

Brother 2: "Ok I'll do it, but what's in it for me?"

Brother 1: "Ummm... A big pat on the back?"

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What in this world is born with four legs, then two, then three?

Humans. You crawl as a baby, walk as an adult, and walk with a cane as an elder.

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The only way you're gonna get laid.

Is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!!

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Why don't you want to take a tuba player on a pub crawl?

They're always three bars behind.


*I came up with this during band practice. Feel free to replace with instrument of your choice.

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I was sitting on the toilet when I looked down and saw a gigantic spider crawl onto my underpants...

I almost shit my...oh wait I guess I didn't.

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The Hearse Song

Don’t you ever dare laugh when a hearse goes by,
For you might be the next to die.

You won’t know where and you won’t know when,
But you will never see the light again.

Then a caretaker tall and thin,
Digs a hole and puts you in,

All goes well for about a week,
Then your coffin starts to leak.

And the wor


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What do porn star vaginas and the Gaza strip have in common

They've both been pummeled so hard that no child is going to crawl out alive

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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the do


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Why is there no Mexican Olympics team?

Because everyone who can run, jump, crawl and swim are already in the American team.

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What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I’d rather him just hand me my check standing up. It’s hard to crawl under there.

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I like my job but my boss keeps paying me under the table.

I’m not sure why he has me crawl under there to hand me my pay check.

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God, I saw a man with leprosy today

It made my skin crawl

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Donald Trump has a problem.

Donald Trump has a problem.


He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex. Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm. He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn \*stars\*, Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the internet, you name it -- but nothing seems to be working.


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NSFW WHEN I'm done, your vagina will be like a Syrian village...

...It will be pummeled so hard that no child will crawl out alive.

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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the d


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Seeing Paul Rudd and Tom Holland together really bugs me

Its make my skin crawl

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Ed Zachary Disease

A guy goes to Doctor Wong and says hey doc, for some reason every woman I try to ask out or even talk to rejects me. Is it my looks? My personality? I need any help I can get. Dr Wong takes a hard look at him and says "ok I need you to take off your pants and crawl that way." The man, confused, does what he says. Doctor Wong then says "Ok now crawl back". He says "Ah yes.


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I was baking under the desert sun. I began to crawl on my hands and knees, afraid these would be my last moments, when out of the corner of my eye, I happened upon my only hope.

[deleted]

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Your only chance of getting laid...

is to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

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My mom once told me....

....the only way I'll ever get laid is if I crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

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An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, an


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Why did Adele crawl under the cow?

...to say hello from the udder side.


I'll take my Oscar now.

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What's the difference between a penis and a sleeping bag?

One you crawl in and the other crawls in you.

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The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait.

⏫⏫⏫

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A man goes out for a few beers

My Uncle told me this joke years ago while we were camping. It's way better in person, but gives me a little chuckle every time :)

***

A man goes out for a few beers after a long day at work. He sits at the bar alone for some time before making idle conversation with the new barkeep who'd just begun a shift. They exchange stories, as the man himself once tended


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A man was in a bar

A man walks into a school and decides to have a drink after a long night of drinking he decides to get up and he falls on the ground. He tried to get up again and fell on the ground. So he decided to crawl to the door. When he got outside he thought he could stand up so he tried and he fell on the ground. He decided to crawl back to his house so he did. When he got to the door he tried to stand up


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A man slides off his bar stool and slams face first into the floor...

He tries to stand up and falls right back to the floor. He gets some concerned looks from other bar patrons and vehemently declares that he needs no ones help getting up. He pulls himself back up onto the stool, gathers himself for a second attempt, and falls right back to the floor. His stubborn pride won't allow him to accept the aid of anyone so he decides to just crawl his way out of the


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Two patients at a mental hospital plotting to escape

patient 1: I have a fool proof plan on how we can get out of this place.
patient 2: what is it?
patient 1: you see that window over there? we'll use that to escape.
patient 2: yes but were on the 20th floor.
patient 1: don't worry I stole one of the guards flashlight. we will escape during the night. I'll turn on the flash light and you will crawl through acr


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Drunken Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his hom


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