Crap

Jokes

MUFFINS!!!!

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says "Hot in here ain't it?" The other muffin jumps with surprise and says "Holy crap a talking muffin"

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I've done a hundred pull ups today.....

This new belt is crap!

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Women nowadays only seem to like Jewish men who treat them like crap

I guess nice goys finish last

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My homosexual friend just took a crap and threw it at me...

But he missed me with that gay sh*t.

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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the crap out of their dogs

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My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

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A good thing about being single is that nobody is gonna give you crap because "you are visiting your mom too much"

At the strip club

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Oh my God, Jesus just took a dump.

Holy crap!

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I was farting and a piece of crap came out

...from the kitchen and told me to stop farting.

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Mai ex's frozen hart broke mai feelings.

Ay shud skedjul an apoyntment wid mai dentist.


(Do I get a pass for making an accent-based joke in extremely poor taste if said accent is native to me? Honest question. I have a pretty crap sense of humour but don't wish to offend. I did give myself a stitch in my side when I thought of it though).


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I remember once..

..when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought the lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside my house. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to c


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What's it called when a black college quarterback is arrested after cops mistook the bird poop on his car hood for cocaine?

A load of crap.

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Why dont blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

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My dad gave me some money to pay off the electricity bill.

But I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car instead. When I got home, I told my dad what had happened but he beat the crap out of me.

The next day my dad woke up and went outside. He noticed a brand new car parked outside our driveway. We were all celebrating our victory but it turned out that the car belonged to the electricity company who had come by to cut off our electricity


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I was playing hide and seek in the park the other day, and couldnt find anyone. All I saw was dog crap.

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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

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America is the best country on Earth.

Because Americans don't give a crap about what's happening in any other country, yet the world cares deeply about what's happening here.

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I was a judge in a singing competition.

There were two contestants, Cardi B and a dog named Julie.

As it was expected, the bitch just couldn't sing at all. Felt like my ears were bleeding listening to total crap that the bitch had to offer.

However, Julie sang pretty good.

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If you slide down a sewer pipe, you might get a disease, but you might not.

It's a real crap-chute.

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All my doctors say I need some medication for my constipation problem...

I don't give a crap.

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What do you do when a constipated man asks for your help?

You beat the crap out of him

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Did you hear the one about the drunken crap?

It was sat in the corner steamin 😂😂😂

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Your odds of finding a clean public restroom..

..are literally a crap shoot.

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What's 34 of crap?

Rap

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I remember...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to c


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Holy crap! Did you guys catch that original joke on rjokes

...........

That's the joke....

\*cue crickets\*

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I just read an over-hyped sensationalist bullshit piece of crap article that said if the content upset me they would make it up by sending me 780lbs of dry ice

I'll literally shaking right now

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Some guy came up to me and said "I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years"

I said, "your full of crap"

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Someone told me that homeopathy is complete crap.

I told him, it's only 0.00000001% crap, it's been watered down so much.

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Natures way

A bear squats down beside a tree to take a crap, looks around and see's a rabbit taking a crap.
" hey bunny may I ask you a question?"," sure," the rabbit says. "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur when you crap". Rabbit says "no" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass.

First joke my father told me.


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A bear and a rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods taking a crap next to each other.
The Bear looked a the rabbit and said "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"Not really" said the rabbit. So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.

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What do you call Thanos when he speaks a lot of crap?

Thanus.

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

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What do you get when an angle is covered by poop?

Holy crap

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A tall persons guide to answering bull crap

Q. Do you play basketball?

A. Do you play mini gulf?



Q. What’s the weather up there?

A. 100% chance of rain *spits*



Q. Can you reach that for me?

A. I can, would you like me to?

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I have finally figured out the perfect name for the CountryRap genre

CRap

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I was walking down the street today when I accidentally trod in some dog shit.

While I was cleaning it off my shoe, I saw another guy tread in the same crap, so I said “I just did that!”.
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

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Why did the blind man walk through a house filled with crap?

He couldn’t see shit

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Went to the bathroom to take a crap. After I went to the couch my stomach growled a high pitched a screech.

To be honest I got scared shitless.

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Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.

Edit: Guys, a few black vans just showed up at my house. I'm scared.

Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!

Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know what to do! Please heljsisjxudbehsjsbdhd

Edi


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Hey guys, you know that one joke about Alzheimer's disease?

Crap, I forgot the punchline

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I was in the bathroom and someone yelled "BOO"

Scared the crap out of me!
... Too bad I was at a urinal

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Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of there dogs

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What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap I made a miss snake.”

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Why did the poop float on top of the water?

It felt shitty and didn't give a crap.

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What 2 things was Noah a master at...

Cleaning up crap and “Ark”itecture

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Old Town Road is a new type of song: a combination of country and rap.

I call it: Crap

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A bad, bad day

After walking into the bar with a very disturbed look on his face,a guy orders 4 tequila shots. He then proceeds to down all four of them immediately.
Bartender: "Wow, any man who drinks like that has a problem."
Guy: "You could definitely say that. I came home from work early today and found my wife of 15 years cheating on me. In my bed! With my best friend!"


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I remember once when my mum gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to her what I did and she beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my mom woke up and opened the door, outside the house was a brand new car.
We all cried. And especially me, because the car was from the electricity company.
They were there to cut off the power.
My mum beat the crap out of me again...


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Everything smells like crap.

This is a shit joke.

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