Crack

Jokes

What did the geosphere say to the hydrosphere?

You crack me up

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In a job interview today, my prospective boss asked if I could perform under pressure...

Nah, but I can take a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

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What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

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At the pusher

Pusher: "Yeah i got weed, crack, herion, you name it"
Jack: You've got coke?
Pusher: "Is Pepsi ok?"

I'll show myself out...

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How can I crack a difficult password?

You tell me the password

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Cracking difficult password

How can I crack a difficult password.
You tell me the password.

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What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

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Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes?

Coz it would crack them up.

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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

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I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

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How many New York City cops does it take to crack an egg?

None. The egg tripped.

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I went on a date with a woman who had a hearing aid. She didn't want a second date, even after I told her that the rat hole in my home provides excellent ventilation.

In hindsight I shouldn't invited her over to see me "airy crack".

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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

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What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

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What did the diener say after a long shift at the morgue?

"Time to crack open a boy with the cold ones."

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I became a crack addict...

When I started going to the chiropractor.

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When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

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Why did the toilet paper NOT cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack!

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What do God and a meter stick on crack have in common?

They're both high rulers.

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Whitney and Bobby

As a boxer, I have named my fists Whitney and Bobby because they crack heads.

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Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman contractor to fix it. You'll break through in no time."


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What sound does a bong that falls from a the fifth floor?

Crack

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Two women got pissed drunk and...

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.

One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.

The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them go out anymore.

Because my wife came home with no underwear.


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Two women went out and got pissed drink

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.

One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.

The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them go out anymore.

Because my wife came home with no underwear.


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Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack...!

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Why did the guy go to the doctor to replace his butt?

Because it has a crack in it,

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can just wash her crack and resell it..

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Would you rather trust your kid with a priest or a crack head?

I’d choose neither.

The priest will molest them,

And the crack head will sell them to the police

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Im taking my uncle Don to get a colonoscopy early tomorrow morning

I’ve got to get up at the ass-crack of dawn

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Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

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Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

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Would you rather trust your child with a crack dealer or a priest?

Neither because the priest will molest them,

and the crack head will sell them to the priest

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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.

​

(Too rude?)

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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

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What do you call a crack head in a race?

Need for speed!!

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Two Black eyes

Old Joe comes into the bar, back from Sunday morning church, with two black eyes. Bartender asks, what happened, how did you get black eyes?

Joe says, I was at the church, and I see this lady in the row front of me, her skirt stuck in the crack of her butt. I figured it must be uncomfortable for her so I reached forward and pulled her skirt out of her butt crack. Next thing I know, sh


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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight using meth. I lost all my teeth and and couldn't


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I can crack an egg without even touching it

All I have to do is tell a joke and it cracks up

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A man going to Vancouver...

A man going to Vancouver passes through a small town and hears the clanging of gongs, the crack-crack-crack of firecrackers, and the loud weeping of hired mourners.

A fancy funeral parades by, with waving flags and banners and people tossing spirit money all around. The costly fuss is clearly for someone very important.

"What great man passed away?" calls out th


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Managed to sneak up on myself last night, then I realised there was something wrong with my mirror.

There was a crack in it.

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When I do crack...

...I like to nibble on the cheeks first.

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Whats a roll of toilet papers drug of choice?

Crack.

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Whats the difference between a whore and a drug dealer?

A whore can wash her crack and sell it again and again.

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Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

So that he didn’t get stuck in a crack.

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It's a shit joke

I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of shit were constantly getting tied up in


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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

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What's the difference between a whore and a crack dealer?

A whore will just was her crack and sell it again.

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