County

Jokes

Did you hear about the banquet in honor of the county judge?

Justice was served.

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A man in Lake County IL broke his back the other day.

Doctors say he may never Waukegan.

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It is illegal to snooze on a train.

-According to the


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Their exists a dark, dark universe, and in that

Dark, dark universe exists a dark, dark solar system

and in that dark, dark solar system exists a dark, dark planet

and on that dark, dark planet exists a dark, dark continent

and in that dark, dark continent exists a dark, dark country

and in that dark, dark county exists a dark, dark state

and in that dark, dark state exists a dark


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At the county fair...

A young lady steps up to the "Guess your Weight and Age" booth at the county fair and askes the carnie running it what she wins if he can't guess.

The carnie says, "Young lady, if I can't guess your weight, you win this here pencil sharpener, and if I can't guess your age, you win this here coffee mug."

"Those are pretty lousy prize


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Where do blacks go for vacation?

The county courthouse.

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Legal for everyone?

I recently got in some trouble with the law. Went to court. Plead guilty. So they sentenced me to 7 days of being in jail 24/7 or working on the county road crew the same amount of hours as that adds up to working the same hours they work. It means I work for free but I get to go home every night, sleep in my bed. First day there put me with a guy that goes around filling pot holes in the road. We


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What do a county fair and a clumsy prostitute have in common?

A hoedown

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This jerk of a guy said he was part of this exclusive club, he said he was a County Member

I said, 'Okay, I'll remember'.

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There was an old man who lived in a small Scottish village...

The old man had lived in his village for 70 years and loved it, despite it being behind in certain areas. It had a wooden fence around it and small, wooden lampposts.

Eventually, it caught up with everyone else and the county started construction on new metal lampposts. The old man was furious as he couldn’t relax in his pension due to all the noise.

He decided to


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Drug dealer cooperates

(Interview start, tape recording)

Police: So you wanna tell us what happened.

Dealer: Bitch I ain't sayin shit.

Police: We got multiple eye witnesses who say they saw you shoot a man in Broad daylight, and then walk into a store and come out with chips and sat there waiting for us.

Dealer: Ait. I give you that and 2 more bodies if yall don&


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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll

fuck you." So they go into the woods and do the deed. After they come out, the prostitute says "


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One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nuns."

"Well, miss, do ye k


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As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,

“Unlike Clark County, Washington”

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

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Contrary to popular belief...

... the current President of the US is **not** from Orange County, CA.

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What's the difference between Orange County and rJokes?

OC is short for one and the other's short of OC.

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Applying for a job

A guy goes to the County to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq."


The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The


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Not really a joke but a list of places with dirty names.

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)
Bastard (Norway)
Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)
Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Beaver Lick Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)
Big Bone Lick State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)
Bonar Bridge (Scot


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What is Elon Musk's least favorite county?

Madagascar

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County board of elections.

The county board of elections estimates that 110,000 women voted in primary elections. My one question for them is this: how’d they get voting booths in so many kitchens over the course of one day?

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What do a female musician and an elected head of the county police have in common?

She riff.

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The Pope was in County Down yesterday as part of his visit to Ireland.

When someone asked him how he was enjoying it he replied "It hasn't been the same since Carol Vorderman left."

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A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.

The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into


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Two men are drinking in a Manhattan bar

Two men were seated next to each other in a Manhattan bar, drinking away the sorrows of the world. At some point in the evening, the first man heard the second man address the bartender in an unmistakable brogue.

"That's a lovely accent you've got there," the first man said. "Where are you from?"

The second man looked surprised. "Why, I&


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Do you know what Canada has that The United States doesn't?

A thriving county to its south.

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My wife is pissed because I snapped an after-sex selfie.

According to her that "isn't appropriate for a county coroner".

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A pro golfer is being interrogated...

A very busy pro golf player is in a tournament, and because of his busy schedule, he is under interrogation from an FBI agent in a bluetooth earpiece because of a child exploitation scandal, and his caddy is also talking to him through it. The FBI asks him some questions about his relationship with children, and it's going pretty well. A while later, the agent asks him how old his last girlfr


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Went to the County Fair with my SO, but the Tunnel of Love was closed

Not sure what happened, the sign just said "Out of Ardor"

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Her: I want to be safe so you have to wear a condom

Him: “Don’t worry, I’m a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there’s no chance I’ll come inside.”

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NSFW Guy: "Baby, I promise I'll pull out"

Girl: "No, you have to wear a condom."

Guy: "But I'm a Broward County Sheriff, we don't come inside."

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Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

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Why don't Broward County Police offixers need to use condoms?

[deleted]

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Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

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County registrar

- Hello, my name is Phil

- Hi, my name is Hahahahank

- Do you have a stuttering problem

- No, my father did and the county registrar was an asshole

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The Irish Spy

A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises
slowly over Moscow'.

The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 am, on the shore of county Donegal, the submarine disappears into the Atlantic. T


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If a count rules a county, a duke rules a duchy, and a baron rules a barony, who rules a country?

You'd think it's a cunt but sometimes it's just a Dick and a Bush.

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What is the difference between Donald Trump and Orange County?

[deleted]

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What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?

"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

"America"

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Did you guys hear about the new business shopping center in Pepto County?

They're calling it the Pepto Biz Mall

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COUNTY FLOWER SHOW

They had a huge flower show at the County Convention Center Monday through Wednesday. The judges were going from booth to booth Wednesday afternoon to select the winners.

Things were going really well until about 3PM, when suddenly a crazy old man, about 85 years old, showed up, streaking up and down the aisles wearing nothing but a smile.

Security tried desperately to st


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The New Zealand man named Hughe

There once was a New Zealand man named Hughe. Now in New Zealand, most of the people lived in quaint houses with decks. The first thing you notice when you go to someone's deck, because they were always right in front of the house. Now Hughe's deck was the biggest deck in the county. The wood used to build Hughe's deck was ebony, a black, hard, and rare type of wood. This combined w


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Pick up line: Hey girl, have you seen "Making a Murderer"?

I'll fuck you harder than Manitowoc County ever could

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Someone stole the toilet from the LA county sheriffs station.

The cops there have nothing to go on.

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How does Donald Trump plan to expel all Muslims from the county?

Legalize Uber.

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Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...

...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

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If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named?

Cause then there would be Nosex!

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Hope you get this

It's almost county fair time and all that wonderful food you just can't get anywhere else. Deep fried pickles, deep fried Twinkies, and the very best - deep fried butter. Can't weight!

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SNL Gold: Domestic Violence

A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you'd be mad too if he was jalpeno business.

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Give me the name of an Arab county in Africa

If you don't have an answer immediately, that's fine. I Kuwait

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