Corpse

Jokes

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

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Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

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NSFL What did my dad say to me for my 30th birthday?

I don't know, Duolingo doesn't have a course on Corpse.

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When is it fine to be attracted to a corpse?

When you're carbon dating.

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First year students at med school had their first anatomy class with a real cadaver

They all gathered around the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started by telling them,"In medicine, it's necessary to have two important qualities.

The first is that you shouldn't be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The professor then pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mo


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What did the mosquito say to the corpse

Another one bites the dust..

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Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle


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Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog was going on a stroll

All of a sudden he sees a dead body laying on the side walk.
"What are you doing?" Tails asked with his naive optimism, yet to realize the fate of the unfortunate man laying in front of him. The man did not answer, still laying cold dead on the ground. "What's your name?" Tails asked, still ignorant of the fact that the man was dead. The man did not answer. At this


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What is a necrophile's favorite condition?

Corpse stiffness

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I woke up with such a bad dead leg this morning.

Fortunately I still found the rest of the corpse extremely attractive.

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I was caught having sex with a transgender corpse.

But got off because I told the cops she identifies as ‘alive.’

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What do you call it when you use a seal corpse to plug a hole?

The hole becomes SEALED

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Today I read that Ted Bundy would often return to his victims maggot-infested corpse in order to copulate with it.

I mean, talk about return on infestment.....

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I read today that Ted Bundy used to return to his corpse to copulate with them long after they had been infested with maggots.

I mean, talk about return on infestment...

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A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very worried and strung out

She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I c


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Adam and Eve walks in a bar

Serpent bartender: what will you both have?

Eve: apple martini please. Stirred.

Adam: rib eyed steak for me. Oh, and make it well done.

-several minutes passed-

Serpent: here ya go. that'll be 200 bucks

Eve: how bout a blowjob for payment? *winks*

-the serpent was bewildered and Adam looks at his wife with shock and


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Three corrupt white policemen decided to have a competition for the best way to kill a black man.

They have been thinking in preparation for months and today was the day of the competition.

The first policeman chased a black man into the woods where he previously put three hungry bears in a remote controlled cage. As soon as the black man entered the forest he opened the cage. Soon his screaming was to be heared and the policeman recorded it as evidence

The second pol


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Whats the difference between a corpse and dota?

Nothing. They’re both dead.

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Did you hear about Bran taking control of Elvis Presleys corpse?

He was Warging in Memphis

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What's the easiest way to prepare for a corpse that's fallen out of the coffin?

Re-hearse of course.

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"I put that corpse in a body bag!"

- a coroner who thinks he did a really good job

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Why did the necromancer put the corpse up for adoption

He couldn't raise the dead.

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What does a corpse and a phone-booth have in common?

I don't need permission to come nside either.

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Do mummies enjoy being mummies?

Of corpse!

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What's the difference between a nurse and a corpse?

None, both of them turn on sick people.

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What do you call it, when you have sex with the corpse of a black person?

Negrophilia.

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What do you call it when you have sexual intercourse with the corpse of a black man?

Negrophilia

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I was at my friend's funeral today and I was understandably depressed.

Doomed to always be the pallbearer, never the corpse.

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A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

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A widower visits his wife's grave and finds a necrophiliac making sweet love to her corpse.

Enraged, he charges and screams "You're a dead fucker!"

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bloated corpse?

Donald Trump is still alive

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If thinking is the proof of being alive

I’m not sure you’re a corpse or not

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If a zombie is bad at golf

Would it be par for the corpse?

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Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found


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Testing some one liners

1. I like to use misdirection to make audiences laugh. Or do I?

2. My dad's a stalker. I wanna follow him in his footsteps.

3. I don't know what type of wig I want. At least not off the top of my head.

4. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hotdog. I'm on a roll.

5. If you're having a blindate on a glacie


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A corpse was forcibly removed from a mans house by police.

The man set out to get the corpse back, but first he needed to get information about where it went. So he broke into the police station at night, but he was not able to find it, so instead he installed cameras inside to see if he could find its location.

Days pass by, and the man is watching the live footage from the cameras intensely, until one day he sees the corpse being moved. Kno


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"When I tell someone that I love them to death.....

It means that I love them so much, that I wanna brutally murder them and make love to their mutilated corpse."

- Serial Killers, probably

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Ever cum so hard a coworker finds your naked lifeless corpse swinging from a support beam in the janitors closet?

Yeah, me too man.

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What is the difference between a corpse and a homeless person?

The corpse has a permanent place to stay.

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A woman with a dog has two neighbours with an hamster...

One day, the dog goes to the woman with the neighbours' hamster's corpse in his mouth.
The woman, worried because the couple loved their hamster and not knowing how to tell them that her dog killed their hamster, cleaned up his corpse, put him back in his cage, like he was sleeping, and then went out for buying dinner.
When she returns, she finds an ambulance in front of


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Three frat guys walk into a whorehouse...

...and approach the madam. Having spent almost their money on tank tops and steroids, they are trying to stretch a buck.

“Sup. What can we get for $16?” asks Thad.

“We don’t have anything for you for $16,” says the madam.

“Fuck this shit,” says Branson, “Let’s hit the gym.” He, Thad, and Tayden sta


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Why was Donkey Kongs corpse smelling?

It was beginning to DK

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In Toy Story if one of Andy's toys died.....

....would he carry on just playing with it's corpse and not know?

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What currency does a corpse use?

Mummy.

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Why did the corpse miss her wedding?

cold feet

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A group of students were in a morgue...

A group of students were in a morgue. They were eager to learn more from their professor. He stood at the front of the class right next to a fresh corpse.

He turned to the class and said
“The first rule of my class is to be totally devoted to the class. I need you to each do exactly as I do.”

He got the usual nodding and murmuring but nothing special


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I got a letter in the mail asking me to donate blood.

So I drug a corpse into the middle of the room and beat it violently with a wrench.

It's funny, get it?

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NSFW What does a midgit's corpse and my penis have in common?

They're both a little stiff.

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Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...



The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

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You cannot serve two masters at one time

But if you wait for the guests to finish the first, before you bring out the second, you could make it a multi corpse meal.

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