Contracted

Jokes

After last night's round of heavy drinking, I've contracted the AIDS

Alcohol Induced Drippy Shits

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They should've contracted The Police to write the Earthbound soundtrack

They could've been Sending Out A Ness OS

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Did you hear that David Copperfield recently contracted HIV...

He got it from doing Magic

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The bride replied "Don't you mean polio?" The man says "No.


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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?

He contracted a bad case of chirpies. And what's worse is that it's untweetable.

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I have this habit of collecting strange injuries from plants, and I recently contracted a weird rash from planting tulips...

I caught a Bulb-a-sore.

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How many members of Congress does it take to change a lightbulb?

We'll form a committee to draft an appropriations bill to fund a study contracted out to a partisan think tank and get back to you on that after 4 years and $400,000,000.

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I recently contracted an STI

I guess I shouldn't stigma dick in people any more.

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After last's night heavy bout of drinking, I've contracted the AIDS

Alcohol Induced Drippy Shits

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After watching the movie Crazy Rich Asians, I felt really, really sick.

The doctor said that I had contracted Yellow Fever 🤒

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A man heads to the see his doctor after believing he may have contracted the black death.

The doc quickly rules this out because the man isn't displaying the most common symptom, which is resisting arrest.

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Did you hear about the sex addicted homeowner who hired a knighted female to renovate his house?

He contracted Sir Phyllis

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Did you know that when Dr.Seuss wife contracted cancer he cheated on her until she died?

One Bitch. Two Bitch. Dead Bitch. New Bitch

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Earvin Johnson is a basketball player who contracted HIV in the 90s and survived.

I guess he really deserved the nickname "Magic Johnson" after all.

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A resident at an old peoples home contracted shingles.

You could say he was shingle and ready to mingle

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Hear about the new bird flu? It's pretty bad and has killed everyone that has contracted it.

Luckily, doctors have found a tweetment.

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I fought in WWII and contracted a disease. The doctors said they could cure me...

but I had gout.

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What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

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My doctor said I had contracted a gastro-intestinal infection.

[deleted]

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Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.

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I went to the doctor yesterday.

He said that I had contracted a very serious illness. I then told him that I wanted a second opinion. He told me 'All right, you're ugly as well'.

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I was watching an educational TV show one time.

It was so boring, but what's more fucked up is I contracted visual AIDS.

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Jon Snow contracted malaria after getting stabbed...

"How did you get malaria from a stab?"

"Malaryan Steel."

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Doctor, I think I contracted mono.

Person: Doctor I think I contracted mono!
Doctor: Can you hear out of both ears?
Person: Yes.. But I don't thi-
Doctor: Well then you don't have mono.
Person: Well what do I have!
Doctor: I'm afraid you have stereo.

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BIRD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

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I stepped on a rusty Lego the other day...

I'm worried I might have contracted Tetris.

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Beware: New african computer scam. Several people have contracted viruses.

It's called e-bola.

^^Please ^^don't ^^hate ^^me

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Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?

He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

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Dis'se

I've contracted a disease.

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 contracted the Ebola virus and is highly contagious.

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A reporter asked Lil Wayne how sure was he that he contracted HIV.

He said 100% positive

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An American doctor who contracted Ebola is said to be getting better.


The bad news is he’s getting better at contracting the Ebola virus.

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I once interviewed a Harvard graduate who had an unusual double major in history and proctology...

...and he claimed, "If the Nazi regime were victorious, they would have quickly inhabited the other planets in the solar system, but no worries," the Harvard graduate said reassuringly," they would have been wiped out having contracted an alien STD from a German Uranus." 

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What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together?

The clap.

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