Confused

Jokes

Dont you hate it when your girlfriend has an identical twin and you get confused and then get charged with 12 counts of (indium carbon einsteinium tantalum)

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Cop pulled me over

I was pulled over by a cop, for a random breath test

The cop shoved the machine in my face and asked me to count to 5

I counted 1.....2.....3.....4 and looked at him.

He looked back confused, Then I said “I’m a bass player.... I can’t count past 4

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A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in his biology class and his biology teacher issued an oral test asking, "what are the muscle's attached to the legs of humans?" johnny raised his hands to give his answer "dad told me of a growing pain he had when he had a muscle pull and then I saw mom massaging it to soothe his pain" the teacher then asked "What muscle is that? with a confused l


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A cowboy walks into a town with a rope in his hands.

He looked really confused and when he arrived at the saloon, a patron aproaches him and asks if he's ok.

The cowboy replies "I don't know... I'm so confused I'm not sure wether I found a rope or lost a horse."

(this is a joke my Spanish dad used to tell me when I was a kid.)


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Why are ants so confused?

Because all their uncles are aunts.

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The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo. He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunnilingus in ways she could never have imagined.


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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

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Dracula walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender (confused): What's the Hotwater for?

Dracula *pulls out a tampon*: I'm having tea.

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A construction company was building a new highway

A construction company was building a new highway through the countryside. At one point, it was time to build a highway exit, but they encountered a problem: They didn't know what to name it.

2 people, Steve and Dave within the company were discussing the problem. Both of them were quite stumped, until Steve suddenly piped up. "We should name the highway after you, Dave!&quo


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Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

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I was confused about feeling depressed when Rob Lowe put his hand on my shoulder, said everything would be okay, and then I realized...

That's why I'm feeling Lowe right now!

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My wife was wondering around the house looking very confused. Then she asked me "Where did I put that box?"

I said "In your pants."

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One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

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One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

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A stand-up comedian was about to finish his routine, when suddenly he put on a tracksuit. New audiences were confused.

The regulars explained: "It's a running gag."

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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

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Joseph was confused when Mary told him she was pregnant.

He got angry. They hadn't even had sex yet.

Mary said "Joseph, fear not! This is an immaculate conception! God came forth and put this baby inside me!"

"Ok, so who were the first three guys?"

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A group of friends all ride their bikes to the local bar

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If I had a buck for every time an elk was confused for a deer, I'd have a lot of doe.

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Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.

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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused..

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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused

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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused

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A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. Sh


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Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke but you have to start it off

Them: ok, knock knock

Me: Who's there!

Them: *confused silence*

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Searching on Bing is like asking a woman how old she is.

The result will be 10 years out of date, you will feel harrassed, and you will be more confused than when you started.

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How did Captain Hook die?

He got confused and wiped with the wrong hand

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Two oceans are talking to each other...

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My wife is not bisexual.

Her girlfriend of 3 years was out of loneliness, manipulation, experimenting, being confused, etc.

She turns on Springer today, "WTF these strippers aren't even that hot!."

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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A moth goes into a pediatrists office

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?

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Im so confused

Who is Anonymous and why does he keep arguing with him self in 4chan

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I first found out I was gay playing Mortal Kombat

The guy said FINISH HIM and I got really confused

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A man from Alabama once asked another man, Is that the you are hugging in the picture your girlfriend? to which the person replied, no it is my cousin

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A window cleaner suddenly knocks on a womans door

"May I come in and work on your windows?" The window cleaner asks.
The lady looks confused and answers: "I already have one that is working upstairs right now."
He responds: "Yeah thats me."

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I'm confused about which one has the shittier parents

The immigrant child or local nutcase.

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor

The doctor looked him over and declared, “Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring…a BANANA.”
….
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, then doctor puts introduces the banana into the man’s anus.

The man


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When you finally see Mrbeast and point it out to your family and they are confused.

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A farmer who was clearly seen killing a secretary of a very rich company was set free because evidence was found that it was actually a businessman.

The businessman filed a case against the farmer but more evidence pops up showing the businessman is truly the killer and is sentenced to death. Just before the execution the warden hurries in and says to put the farmer in the chair and let the businessman go free. The excutioner, confused asks why. The warden says “The farmer was good at planting crops but not so good at planting evidence&r


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Batman walks into a bar

He orders a glass of "on the rocks."

The bartender looks at him, confused, and asks, "Um, *what* do you want on the rocks?"

Batman says, "Justice!"

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TwoEnglish men arewalking on a beach one day

Two English men are walking on a beach one day when they finds 300 dwarf sperm whales trapped in a small pool of water. One of them yells to the other "we're rich! We're rich!". Confused by his friends remarks he ask why and his friend explains "if we sell these we will be rich each one is at least 400 pounds!"


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If you combine seduce and date, you get sedate

No wonder Bill Cosby got it confused

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Mafia

I've gone and confused the words ’Yakuza’ with ’Jacuzzi’ ...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

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Are you satisfied with your internet?

A man walks into Costco, an employee with a clipboard approaches him.

The employee asks, “Sir would you be interested in participating in a quick survey about your internet?”

The man replies “Sure”

“So sir, are you currently satisfied with your internet?”

“I guess so”

The employee asks


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A frog walks into a bank...

and says to the banker, "Hello Ms. Wack, I need to take out a loan for a lily pad." Confused, replies, "Well typically we don't give out loans for frogs... do you have any money we can open this account with?" The frog shrugged, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a strange wooden trinket and pushed it towards the banker. Even more confused, the banker says, "I�


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NSFW A man walks down the street and sees a crowd to some building

He becomes curious and asks one person from the crowd what's inside the building. He replies that no one knows, but people who come out from the building laugh their asses off, so it must be something interesting. The man decides to wait in line.
After some time he finally got a chance to enter. It was a dark room with 2 big black men, they fucked him in the ass and kicked him out of th


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Why was the King confused about his gender?

Because when he looked down, he saw the Queen Jack

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