Confidence

Jokes

Growing up I was never afraid of the dark

I'd turn off the lights at night and strut in confidence knowing with this face, I was the only monster in the dark.

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I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

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This was a cute girl at the cafe I wanted to ask but I got scared

Guess I should have turned my nervous system into a confidence system

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What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

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A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island.

After wandering around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live, but only if he passed three tests in three huts.

The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry.
The secon


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These days, I only tell jokes at the expense of straight, white men.

Their rationality, self-confidence, and even demeanor make them less likely to be offended.

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I names my eraser confidence

Because it gets smaller every mistake I make

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Little Johnny had an accident.

One day, while working on the family farm, Little Johnny fell and badly damaged his left eye. The doctors couldn’t save it, so it was removed.

His family didn’t have the money for a fancy prosthesis, so he dad whittled him a wooden eye, and carefully painted and lacquered it. From a distance, you couldn’t even tell it was fake.

Johnny eventually grew a


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I named my eraser Confidence....

It gets smaller with every mistake I make.

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After the snap, Thanos had a lot of confidence...

so he asked his girlfriend if she'd like to try Thanal.

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Sometimes I think I might be an idiot. Eventually I'll start to feel better and gain back some confidence in myself.

I really AM an idiot

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I named my eraser confidence.

Because it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake I make.

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Muslim, Christian and a Buddhist

A Muslim a Christian and a Buddhist argue about which god is real, so they decide to jump of a cliff and prove the other wrong.

The Christian goes first.

On his way down he says " Jesus Jesus Jesus " and dies on impact

The Buddhist goes second.

On his way down he says " Buddha Buddha Buddha" and floats right before he hits th


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Me and my eraser

I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

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I went to the confidence store because I didnt have any confidence. So they gave me some confidence for $2500.

But I think they tricked me.

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

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Louis C.K. didnt have the confidence of asking women to have sex with him.

But he usually came close.

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How do you know when you can trust a cow?

When you have udder confidence in it.

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What is the peak of men's self-confidence?

It's when a gorgeus lady performs a fellatio for half an hour, yet your general refuses to stand up straight. You look down to the lady and say: "My dear girl, does that happen often to you?"

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It helps my confidence to think that iq works like golf.

The lower score wins

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I can say with confidence that no woman I've ever shagged has faked an orgasm.

They're always too busy crying and struggling.

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Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

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Of course there was a no-confidence vote in the UK today.

What did you expect, her last name is May.

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I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

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How many statisticians does it take to chanhe a light bulb?

Between 0.96 and 1.04 with a confidence of 95%

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Confidence

Is what you have before you fully understand a situation.

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Difference between atheists and agnostics.

Agnostics are just atheists who lack confidence.

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I wish I had the confidence of a jellyfish.

**Every decision’s a no-brainer if you’re a jellyfish.**

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Why do fewer people get asked out on dates after April?

Because no ones got confidence in May

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A donkey had started dating a gazelle

Since he didn't have a place, he asked a zebra to use his apartment for one night so that he can bring his new gf.
Next day she he brought her to the apartment, which she liked pretty much. Then saw a picture of the zebra and asked who it was.

The donkey with full confidence said: it's just my brother who plays for Juventus


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Being an Uber driver did wonders for my confidence.

Yesterday I picked up a cheerleader and today I picked up a flight attendant.

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My girlfriend love compliments...

I've just told her she has the confidence of a much younger more attractive woman...
She's now not speaking to me, just grinding her teeth... Not a good sign!

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You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

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I've been spending the last week 100-ing the Halo Mobile Game, Spartan Runner.

I was stuck on getting the last mission to completed on legendary difficulty. But today I finally did it. I was so excited I went to tell my dad. In that moment all self-confidence I'd gained was instantaneously shattered.

All because of a robot dog dancing to uptown funk.

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I've been spending the last week 100-ing the Halo Mobile Game, Spartan Runner.

I was stuck on getting the last mission to completed on legendary difficulty. But today I finally did it. I was so excited I went to tell my dad. In that moment all self-confidence I'd gained was instantaneously shattered.

All because of a robot dog dancing to uptown funk.

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Why does grape jam lack confidence?

It’s concord.

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A group of smart amp talent Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I


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I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

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The best thing about college

The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence. Like in high school I never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I


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My girlfriend says I have low confidence

[deleted]

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To the people who say that alcohol makes them dance.


Well it ups the confidence not the ability.

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To the people who say that alcohol makes them dance.


Well it ups the confidence not the ability.

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After a bunch of subpar doctors, my Thai friend referred me to a very excellent one.

He told me that there was this Thai doctor named Dr. Tjakradinata that was known to be extremely good. Apparently, she was well-known for being able to diagnose diseases from very faint or obscure symptoms. Trusting my friend's advice, I tried making an appointment to see her. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite pronounce her name, so I asked my friend to tell me her name's pronunciatio


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Hey girl, I see that you're a golfer. Do you like putting?

Because I'm going to be putting my trust and confidence in you as we grow closer together over the course of a long, healthy, and mutually beneficial relationship.

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What are the best games?

The ones in confidence.

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My car has no self-confidence.

It's been self-depreciating since the moment I took it off the lot!

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TIL: Government officials can sometimes be removed from office with "a vote of no confidence"

Which is eerily similar to how many entered into office with "a vote of no competence"

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Why did everyone in the Industrial Revolution have such good confidence.

Everything ran off Self-Esteem-Engines.

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I get boners when I see hot girls

I was walking in a store one day looking down at my phone, being unaware of my surroundings I walked into someone.

When I walked into the person I made them drop the books they were carrying.

My cock immediatly flicked up as soon as I realized it was a hot girl, trying really hard to hide my boner I get on my knees to help her pick up her books.

I gather up s


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