Comrade

Jokes

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They talked about what they had been arrested for

"I praised comrade Petrov" said the second.

"I criticised comrade Petrov" said the first man.

"I *am* comrade Petrov" said the third.

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What does a communist suicide bomber say as he presses the button?

comrade, i won't die.
we die.

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A local commissar in the old Soviet Union visits a collective farm in rural Russia

The commissar asks one of the farmers

"Comrade, how are the harvests coming?"

To which the farmer replies

"We've harvested so many crops, if you stacked them in a pile, one on top of the other, the heap would reach the shoulders of God!"

The commissar, with a disapproving stare, tells the farmer

"Nonsen


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What's black and white and red all over?

Comrade Penguin

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Comrade Dyatlov

Comrade Dyatlov after his son's examination results:
3.6
Not great, not terrible!

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Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, KGB officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".

Officers approached him angrily. "What is this, some kind of mockery!? You must be


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Zhokov's Response

-- Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears:

Z: What a fucking cunt with a mustache!

-- NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and said:

NKVD: What did you say, comrade?

-- Zhukov said he had said nothing.

NKVD: Well, let's go back to comrade Stalin's office to talk about it.
<


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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back


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Comrade McConnell and Comrade Bolton walk into a bar...

... I'm sorry, it's only funny if you're Russian.

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Stalin and the sneezing man

Joseph Stalin was holding a speech during the Communist party congress.

Suddenly, someone from the public sneezed.

Stalin stopped and asked - ''Who sneezed?''

Everyone was silent.

''Send the first row to execution, then!'' said Stalin and NKVD soldiers marched in and dragged the people away.

M


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A man is walking back from the doctor's in Stalin's Russia

He gets stopped at a checkpoint. The soldier says "Comrade, please present your papers."

The man checks his front pockets, but can't find them.

The soldier unholters his pistol "Comrade, you must present your papers."

The man begins to worry, checking his back pockets, failing to find them.

The soldier aims his pistol &q


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Is it Raining or Snowing?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.


"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether


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An Irish man and his Canadian friend walk into a bar

The two get quite drunk. The Canadian friend says "hey, in English (Canadian) Canada is called CND, but while repeating the name to an englishman, we spell it out saying -CND, C, eh, N, eh, D, eh". The irish man laughs, so the Friend continues," what is your country's name in its native language." The name is Éire." " Éire, eh," but the friend


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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebys


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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebys


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What did the Russian say when his comrade stole his pasta dish?

Pero-geez!

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Two communists are at a nude beach...

One of them turns to the other and says "comrade, have you read Marx?"

The other replies "of course, it's these damn wicker chairs!"

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.

&amp;#x200B;

As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"

&amp;#x200B;

Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin's secretary, who imme


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The old communist Police Patrol

"Comrades, an ideal police patrol has 2 policemen and a dog. One policeman knows how to read and write and the dog can speak a foreign language"

"But comrade commandant, what about the 2nd police man?"

"Someone must keep an eye on those two dangerous intellectuals"

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What does an african NASA engineer call his comrade in a space

a nigga-not

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The Stalin joke

Stalin, the glorious leader, is giving a speech to his comrades.

Then, in the crowds of people, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

This pisses him off.

“Who sneezed?!” He yells into the terrified crowd

No one answers

So he orders the first row of people shot.

Then he asks again “who sneezed?!&rd


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Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money, and looks up.

"Very well comrade, you are approved and are put on the list. In 1


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Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, the


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Stalin is speaking with his secretary of agriculture.

Stalin is having a meeting to discuss the production of grain in Ukraine. He asks comrade how much grain have you produced. The secretary responds “comrade, we have a pile of grain high enough to reach god”. “But there is no god” said Stalin. “ There is no grain.

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Stalin was making a speech at the Party Congress. As he was getting into a particularly eloquent part of the speech, someone suddenly sneezes and ruins the moment.

"Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.

"Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"


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Communist hell

A lifelong member of the communist party dies and goes to hell. Upon arrival, hes told we can give you a choice. You can go to capitalist hell or Communist hell. Having been a communist his whole life, he decides to see what the capitalist hell would look like. He goes and sees people undergoing torture, such as crucifixion. Men being pull up on a cross nailed to it, taken down, nails taken out


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A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67

In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep. He awakes the next morning and finds the room empty, he rushes downstairs and asks the h


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In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.

Stalin: Why was this man arrested?

Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?

Prisoner: I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (


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Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

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Why did Russia invade Nazi Germany?

Because it isn't "Mein Kampf", it's "Our Struggle" Comrade!

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Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.

They tell each other what are they there for.

The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The third one says: "I am comrade Ivanov..."


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A Soviet man goes to obtain an automobile

“Hello comrade! I would like to obtain an automobile.”

“Of course comrade. As you know, the Soviet Union takes care of all our wealth, so all you need to do is submit the request and wait.”

So the man fills out the paperwork.

“All settled then. The order should be completed in 10 years time, so come back then.”


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Translating an old Slovak joke goes like this...

A man is at the tavern speaking with a friend. After a few shots of schnapps, he says, “Jakob, my wife went to the cellar three days ago to fetch some potatoes. I haven’t seen her since then.”
“Good Lord, comrade, what are you going to do?”
“I guess I’ll have to boil some rice for supper when I get home.”


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If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven't got me. What am I?

A high explosive rocket sitting in an RPG-7. Let's go share the joys of explosives with the enemies of the state, da comrade?

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A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.


Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.


"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.


"No, no, Comrade Major, I do not want the parrot back. I want you to know that I disagr


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Damn comrade! Why do you stink and smell so bad every day but still get a lot of honors?

Fellow soldier: I just follow commander’s odor

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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Call a man comrade and make fishing areas public, and he will starve to death in no time.

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Stalin is giving a presentation to some of other USSR officials

S uddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you,


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At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

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Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.

They tell each other what are they there for.

The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The third one says: "I am comrade Ivanov..."


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Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry r


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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebys


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Stalin's being driven through a backroad out to his dacha one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Stalin is a bit annoyed, but told the driver, "Just go to their house comrade, tell them you're my driver, and apologise."


A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Stalin asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits an


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Stalin's secret police find a man who looks exactly like Stalin, right down to the moustache

They considered that the man could be used to potentially embarrass Stalin, so Beria, the head of the secret police, goes to Stalin and asks what should be done about him.

"Why, Comrade, that's easy. Shoot him." replied Stalin

"We could, Comrade, but..." starts Beria

"BUT?!" shouts Stalin. "But what, Comrade?"


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One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”


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Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'



'N


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At a May Day parade, a very old Jew is carrying a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.

"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to him!"


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At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.

"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to him!"


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At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I'm grateful to him!"


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Soviet tourist group goes to Paris...

...tour guide is explaining:

Here we see the Eifel tower, and over there - there are women for sale.

Later on: Here's the Triumph ark and over there - there are women for sale.

Third attraction: This is Louvre and over there - there are women for sale.

One of the tourists finally asks: Comrade, are there any women in Paris that are not for s


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