Complete

Jokes

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!
So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along the way, he sees dozens of noble warriors, bodybuilders and others laying on the ground, devastated. Th


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For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along the way, he sees dozens of noble warriors, bodybuilders and others laying on the ground, devasta


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Germany withholds $39m to the Rainforest Fund over concerns of deliberate deforestation

But like a lot of numbers out of Germany, those numbers are probably inflated, if not a complete hoax.

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What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't
Even imagine it in my own
Life because my wife is
Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love
Every part of her!

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One liner

I never complete anyt

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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

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If you think I want to speak a complete sentence to you

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Never half-ass something.

Instead, be a complete ass.

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Jeff Bezos: Alexa, buy olive Aldo shoes.

Alexa: Your purchase of, all of Whole Foods, is complete.

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You know, I'm not surprised that Dumbledore was gay. In fact, it makes complete sense...

After all, he was the _headmaster_

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I was going to make a donkey joke

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Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

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Social media often portrays people in a different light to how they actually are. If you looked at my social media record, I would come across as a complete creep.

Which is funny, because often social media portrays people in a different light.

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I've been dating two girls from Vietnam.

They're both super cool, attractive, funny and tick all the right boxes for a perfect partner. The problem is, I have to choose which one I want to be with, which means i'll be letting down at least one fantastic, amazing girl.

It's a complete Nguyen/Nguyen situation for me.

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

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Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, "Hey father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?"

"Ye


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Drugs

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was


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What's the difference between a pigeon and a syrian toddler?

That the pigeon flies complete, and the toddler in parts.

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Two farmers

Two pig famers were sitting at the bar next to eachother and one is complaining about the lack of women. The other one agrees and says "I don't need women for sex". The other one is confused and asked "why?".

"Well, if I'm in need I go to my pigs stall and choose one". "Maybe you should try it".

Two weeks later in the same


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What profession was once highly respected but now is a complete joke?

An FBI agent.

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My ex-girlfriend had this really weird fetish...

She really like to dress up as herself and be a complete cheating whore.

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I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

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There should be a baking competition show that is Top Chef Quickfire style but contestants are naked and their bits are covered with frosting or whipped cream, they must complete the task and their parts must remain covered or they are eliminated.

They should call it stiff peaks.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.



It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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Mike Tyson failed to complete his chicken dish in Celebrity Masterchef...

..he was out of thyme.

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Take this number four out of my hand and Ill give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die, said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

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What's the hardest play to complete in the NFL?

The Donner Pass - they'll eat you alive if you try it.

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Its said the person you love should complete you. If youre an introvert, theyre an extrovert. If theyre responsible, youre carefree. If theyre a night owl, youre an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

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I spent the whole yesterday making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time.

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Someone told me that homeopathy is complete crap.

I told him, it's only 0.00000001% crap, it's been watered down so much.

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A guy has a complete sex change made

Then he meets a friend who's a bit curious.

Wow, You look gorgeous! But tell me, all the operations, were they painful?

Not at all, except the one when they when they opened my head to remove the brain...

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It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. H


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The Weight of Love.

I wish my mother hadn’t held me for as long as she did, I feel like it may have affected me mentally. I vividly remember my father encouraging her to let me play a little more but she was stubborn out of love I guess. When she dropped me off to college on my first day as a freshman, it turned out she had done unrepairable damage to her arms and lost complete use in both. That my friends, is


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Billy Bob is driving with Willie

They comes to a red light.

Billy Bob blows through it.

Willie is surprised "You just blew past a red light. What if something happens?"

BB: Don't worry, my brother Bubba does that all the time.

They come to another red light. Billy Bob again blows through it assuring Willie that Bubba does this all the time, it's no problem.


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Why should you never ask Rick Astley if you can borrow his complete collection of Pixar movies?

Because he’s never gonna give you ‘Up.’

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Unlike Buzzfeed.......

Which is complete trash, Reddit has proven time and time again to be the more environmentally friendly website as we recycle 90% of our own content.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.



It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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The AI has improved so much that it can now complete all tasks without me telling them.

Seriously, I just read something on my PC like System is corrupt and ransomewhere.

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Them: Stop anthropomorphising animals. They aren't even sentient.

Also Them: (pointing to their pet dog) He's the best boi. He makes our family complete.

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A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawye


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If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

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In the early nineties I'd never had a conversation with anyone I hadn't actually met face to face. Today, it's actually unusual if you haven't heard a complete stranger from the other side of the world...

...call you a faggot and threaten to fuck your mother.

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The 20 shortest books ever printed:

1. Jewish Business Ethics. 
2. The Negro's Guide to Good Sociology.
3. French War Heroes
4. Aboriginal Hygeine Hints
5. The Amish Phone Book
6. Great Asian Drivers of Today
7. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
8. The Book of Good American Beer
9. Beauty Secrets of Polynesia
10. Peaceful Traditions of the Islamic Faith
11. The


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Today I met the inventor of the window sill!

Complete Ledge!

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Lawyer got rekt

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed


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Feist your eyes on complete and utter perfection

What does your body say when you have a fever ?





No homeo

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Started a club called Erectile Dysfunction.

It was a complete flop.

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Why dont politicians listen to their conscience?

They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

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