Command

Jokes

A man found an old lamp in his backyard, he rubbed it and a genie appeared!

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden box. Inside the box there is a polished wooden dildo. The owner says: this is a voodoo dick


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What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?

One's a superhero the other is a command

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The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

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Request: Does anyone know any one-liners about being number two?

Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain.

Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick."

Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!"

I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.


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A new pirate walks on a boat...

He ask the second in command-how did the captain lose his leg?

Second in command-got in a fight with a croc, you should see the other guy he was huge.

New pirate-what about his hand?

Second in command-he was going for the nose of a shark, it went a little wrong.

New pirate-and his eye?

Second in command-bird shit is his eye.


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Two fish in a tank

there are two fish in a tank one says you drive and i command the gun

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V

V


[edit: it seems the control command isn’t working today...]

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V

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Edit: Shit, sorry the command key isn't working.

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Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

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John Reel was an actor. A good actor. Or so he thought. But he never had a break.

And now he was auditioning for the lead role in a very high profile movie. Multi million dollar budget, high profile cast... boy was he nervous.
So he started to play his role, and remembered every single word of the text he had to say. He played a colonel in the army, and it ended with him shouting a command to a captain. However, he was very nervous, and just as he was about to shout the


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Three dinosaurs found a magic lamp

They rubbed it and out came a genie.

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"What do you wish, my esteemed dinosaurs?"

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"Meat" growled the first one. "I want meat."


"You wish is my command". There was meat.


"And what do you wish for?"


&qu


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I blame the Jews

God descends to Earth to choose his people.

He goes to the Gypsies:

"Do you want to be the chosen ones?"

"We want, yes"

"But I have to give you a command ..."

"Give it to us,"

"Do not steal anymore."

"Thanks, bruh, we do not care"

&


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What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Iron man is a superhero while iron woman is a command.

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V

v

Edit: My command key appears to be jammed, anyone know how to fix it?

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What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman. One is a superhero the other is a command.

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What is he difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a simple command

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What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman

One is a superhero and the other is a simple command

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A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs one by one, testing jump patterns, until he gets to their last legs.


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Have you heard the one about the green llama?

v

Darn it, my command key isn’t working!

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The shower is a form of wish fulfillment

It is turned on at will by your command.

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A man owned a horse that knew only two commands.

This horse could only be started by saying, "Praise the Lord!" and stopped by saying, "Hallelujah." One day, the man was riding his horse when he forgot the command to stop it. Right before he rode off a cliff, he remembered the command. Grateful for being saved, he then said, "Praise the Lord!"


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V

v

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edit: sorry guys, looks like my command key isn't working

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The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

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Did you hear about the general who sold all the tracked vehicles in his command to pay for prostitutes?

I mean talk about tanks for nutting right?

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

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Todays the Command Day

March Fourth

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An old lady goes to the market.

She buys everything she needs, vegetables, meat etc. She is heading home when she walks by a man who is selling dogs, above him a table that says " WARRIOR DOGS". There he can see real big strong and feral dogs, barking at him like pitbull terriers, german sheperds and next to them a very small chihuahua. She just chuckles a bit and thinks who would be so stupid to buy him. After a few


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Jane's sex life with her husband, Ron, is suffering because she can't reach an orgasm, or he's not in the mood. Even though she loves him, this is really starting to take a toll on their marriage. So, in a last-ditch effort, Jane decides to spice things up in the bedroom.

Jane travels to a sex shop and asks the owner about his best sex toys. He shows her all sorts of props, but nothing is appealing to her. After the owner has gone through most of his stock, Jane asks: "Don't you have anything else?" and the owner replies, "Well, there is this one thing but I can't sell it to you." "I want to see it anyway." The owner sighs, p


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Iron Man is a superhero

Iron Woman is a command

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.


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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters. He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

He claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim. I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me. So they let him place the lobsters in the water and command him to call them back. "Call who back?"


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Whats the different between hold that thought and hold that thot

One is an idiom one is a command

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero and the other is a command.

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Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

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What's the difference between between Iron man and Iron women?

One's a super hero, the other is a simple command

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Damn my command button broke

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What is a viable command for both your dog and your wife?

Come

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I was chatting with my neighbour who was bragging about how clever his dog was

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He said "he knows all his toys by name and will fetch certain items by command, he fetches my slippers, I can even send him to get the paper, from the newsagent" .

I said " I know he told me "

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The Army is undergoing budget cuts.

Cpt. Davis sitting in his tent, hears the roar of a helicopter and heads outside. Instead of a vehicle, however, there are three very confused soldiers sitting on top of a fourth soldier making helicopter noises with his mouth.

"The hell's going on here?" Davis yells

"Well, captain, after the budget cuts we lost the actual chopper and command sent us a


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Know what command Syberia gives that makes her a good policewoman during winter?

FREEZE!

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a superhero and the second is just a simple command

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.

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Why was William afraid to join the army?

He was scared of the command “fire at will”

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is a command.

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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a command.

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Genie, I wish to use my first wish...

...your wish is my command, <poof> you used your first wish. Now you have two left

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3 men were stranded on an Island

One day they noticed a bottle floating in the water. They picked up the bottle and a genie appeared. "I give you 3 wishes" he said. The first man wished to be home with his wife. "A good choice" said the genie and the man was gone. The second man wished to be in New York. "Your wish is my command" said the genie and the man disappeared from the island. Now it was the


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3 men where stranded on an island

One day they noticed a bottle floating in the water. They picked up the bottle and genie appears. "I give you 3 wishes" he said. The first man wished to be home with his wife. "A good choice" said the genie and the man was gone. The second man wished to be in New York. "Your wish is my command" said the genie and the man disappeared from the island. Now it was the las


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Why did the corn command a regiment?

It was a kernel

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