Comforting

Jokes

I once failed a class. Very nervous, I had to hand my dad the report card...

After looking at it, he saw how worried I was about what he would do. He calmly put his hand on my shoulder before speaking to me.

"Son, some of history's greatest men were inspired by their failures. Don't let this deter you. Let it inspire you to work hard to achieve your goals."

Which would probably sound more comforting if I didn't fail art.


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They say money doesnt buy happiness.

But its so comforting to cry in a Lamborghini than on a city bus.

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Money doesn't buy happiness.

But its so comforting to cry in a Lamborghini than on a city bus.

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Cuddling with somebody is probably the most comforting thing in the world...

...unless you're in prison.

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What's the most comforting seafood?

Cuddlefish.

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Joke about my self awareness.

Anybody who reads my 'jokes' here likely assumes that nobody wants to be around me. Well, I just want you all to know that I spent all last night comforting and stroking an old friend...

My penis.

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I was comforting a friend who was distraught that he couldnt afford to have his fathers ashes interned with his mothers, that his father would have been angry with him for keeping them apart.

I tried comforting him but
“ Don’t worry he’s not exactly going to be rolling in his grave about it” ,
might not have been an appropriate word choice.

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My cousin died last year...

There was a terrible automobile accident. He lost a lot of blood.

The paramedics were asking what his blood type was, but we could not remember.

My cousin, bless his heart, tried comforting us up to his very last breath. He kept telling us to be positive, be positive...

Yes, cousin, I have very been positive, as much as possible, since that tragedy.


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What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

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Love and Hope

So I used to know these two chicks. One was named Love and the other was named Hope. Hope and love were sisters and went everywhere together. Anyways, I got to know both of them pretty well, never truly like romantic close with either until later on, but we were all good friends. I would go hang out at their house from time to time. It was like a second family for me.
One day, neither of the


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You know...

When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

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What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi?

There...their...they're..

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What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi?

there, their, they're.

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Since football isn't working out for Mr. Rice,

it's comforting to know he has a promising future in women's boxing.

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What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi?

There, their, they're......

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What do you say when comforting a grammar Nazi?

There, their, they're

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Have you heard the joke about Oprah's new line at Starbucks?

It's a warm, comforting, medium-dark roast.

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It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

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"Jesus loves you" can be very comforting words...

unless you hear them in a Mexican prison

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