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Jokes

They had to close the circus

There was a freak accident

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In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better of I had married the devil!"

\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

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I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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How do you deal with a hairy back?

I usually just pretend she's wearing a wool sweater and close my eyes

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Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

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My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand

"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."

"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"

"but wife I really must get it off my chest"

"Whatever it is doesn't matter now" sa


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I opened a fortune cookie the other day and it said, Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

In Bed.

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Every time my wife got angry with me, I would just close my eyes.

To be honest, I couldn't see the divorce coming.

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One, two, unbuckle my shoe. Three, four, close the door.

Five, six, pick up chicks. Seven, eight, lay them straight.

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My close friend and I work at the same law firm.

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A cowboy walks into a bar......

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Did you hear about the guy who won the world handjob championship?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

It was close, but no cigar.

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A pastor is trying to console a widower

"Tell me pastor is my wife going to be in heaven?" asks the concerned husband.

"Oh yes I'd say see most definitely is. She was always so close to the church and a devout Christian." says the pastor enthusiastically

"Well in that case tell me how do I go to hell?"

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If online shopping causes all the shopping malls to close

Then where will we get free samples of bourbon chicken?

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

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My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*


*"Were you close?"* he asked


*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

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A guy was walking down a path in the park when he saw a piece of meat on the floor.

He asked the janitor who was cleaning up close to him what it was.
He said:
" I don't know. Ground Beef?"

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Bud light is a lot like making love on a boat

It's fucking close to water.

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Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

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What do you call a close reflection?

A nearer mirror

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The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

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Clone of me quick! shoot her! shes the clone!

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I heard there was a domestic abuse situation in my neighborhood.

That hit close to home.

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I came second in a Groucho Marx lookalike competition today.

Close, but no cigar.

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I nearly paid off my student loans today, I was so close! But then I got an unexpected bill for my gym membership.

I didn't even know we had a gym at the nursing home.

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My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

He was close, but no cigar.

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Thousands of Catholic preachers can't be wrong. It must feel really good.

What? Being close to God.

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So I said to the taxi driver

'King Arthur' s close'. He said, '"Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'.

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Whats the difference between Bud-light and making love in a canoe?

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I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

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My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I told her to close the door seven times on her way out.

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Women close to Elon have said his semen taste kind of like BBQ.

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There were three friars....

There were three friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, th


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Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest?

There were many causes close to his heart

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Did you hear the president of Planned Parenthood was fired after just eight months?

I mean, that was close! Can you imagine if they allowed her to reach full term?

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A man walks into a bookstore at 3:00 a.m

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box.

He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.

Moments later, a tall, slender man with pale skin walks up to him claiming to be the manager. He tells the man that the boo


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This coffee is like having sex in a canoe.

...It's fucking close to water.

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An attractive man hired a prostitute for a handjob. She's curious as to why he needs to pay for her services. He says, "This may come as a surprise..."

"So you might want to close your eyes."

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David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

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My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I told her to close the door 7 times on the way out.

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I ran for cover when I saw a sailboat getting too close to shore

It looked ready for a tack

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At a funeral.

*At his brother's funeral*

Dad: you two were close. Would you mind saying a word?

Son: Plethora.

Dad: Thanks, it means a lot.

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At hi brother's funeral Dad: you were close. Would you mind saying a word? Son: Plethora.

Dad: Thank you. It means a lot.

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Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Womens National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

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Black guy find a Genie in a bottle.

Genie says: I can grant you 3 wishes.

Black guy says : I wanna be white, I want to always be close to the water, and i wanna see a lot of pussy.
Genie says : your wish is my command.

Black guy turns into a toilet and says : Fuckkkkkk

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I would make a joke about domestic violence

But I just think it would hit too close to home for some

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Blond and bodybuilder

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" ... Then he removes his underwear, and


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