Clear

Jokes

Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer?

The job description wasn't clear.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three Flies Return from Vacation

They get together to talk about their individual vacations.

Fly 1: I went to the mountains and buzzed on sweaty people hiking!

Fly 2: I went to the ocean and buzzed on people trying to tan!

Fly 3: Guys, my vacation was SO weird! First, I found this quiet little pond. So calm, so peaceful. The water was so clear I could see to the bottom! All of a sudden it go


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

To be clear, as a child I never saw my grandfather shootup heroin

I'd just tie him off and watch whatever movie I wanted

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man as soon as he gets to his home

He says to his wife:

-Honey, we've got a problem...

Before he continues his wife says:

-Sweety, we've got to work together in any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?.

-Our secretary is pregnant.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Doctor, I keep having terrible flashbacks when I listen to Korean pop music.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Smurfing...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A golfer shanks his ball clear off the course...

...and out onto the road, where it hits a passing cop car. The cop runs onto the course and writes the man a ticket for reckless driving.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Fancy dress party

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

We had a family cat when I was younger, and it became pretty clear that he was deaf, so we took him to the vet. They actually had a pretty accurate and involved test.

They stood behind him and clapped really loud.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Micky and Mini mouse are getting a divorce.

Lawyer: So, to be clear. You want to divorce Mini because she is... extremely silly.

Micky: No! I said she's fucking Goofy!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What would you like to clear up with the FBI agent watching you?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

It was very clear that my mom had bigger balls than my dad.

It was transparent.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I got kicked out of a bar last night...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What color is a window?

Well, the answer's pretty clear.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do armys do when their old bombs have become intransparent?

They get new clear bombs.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Not all heroes wear capes.

Ends was pretty clear on that.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

As I got to the gym this afternoon, I started to really need to take a shit...

I walk in and go directly toward the bathrooms, straight into the first one I see. As I get in there I notice the toilet on a slant, with one side angling toward the ground... “Hmm..”
I look closer and also notice that the lid is cracked and there’s a leak with water going everywhere.

“Very confusing...” I thought as I walk back out of the bathroom


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Dave was arranging a Farewell party for Joe

True story fake names :
Dave went to bakery to prepare a cake for his colleague farewell party which he was arranging. He wrote down to the cashier what and how to write on the cake as the following ( bey bey Joe ) in a pretty clear handwriting. He paid the cashier, gave him the address and left.
On the day of the party at the office the cake was delivered in a box and Dave put it


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis medicinal.”

&ldquo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I decided to start bottling and selling Cold Clear Alaskan water.

But from the very start I've gotten nothing but bad reviews. And I really don't understand why, except for that one guy of course. His bottle still had a little seaweed in it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man goes to a singles bar...

An attractive woman is sat at the bar. In front of her are 20 shots of clear alcohol and 20 shots of a golden brown alcohol.
She looks up gently shakes her hair in a sexy gesture and says "Okay cowboy, I'll drink the clear shots, you drink the brown ones" To which the man responds " I don't wearly know, it may be whiskey"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?

A new-clear physicist

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A co-worker complained that he'd had two stepladders...

...but his assistants had lost them both. I said it was clear that they weren't ready to work in highly-placed positions.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did the Chinese man bring a toilet to a busy intersection in Manhattan?

Because a tank in the Square helps clear the crowd.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

It's being reported that the Nancy Pelosi "drunk" video...

...is a clear-cut case of Russian elocution interference.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Just to make things clear....

I am going to put on my glasses.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man walks into a psychiatric clinic wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap as shorts

The doctor that saw him said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Suspect: Im innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bank job


Whilst working at a bank, a masked man hit me really hard over the head and forced me to clear a fake cheque.
I couldn’t remember much afterwards but the police refused to believe that I had a con cash in!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You got lucky here"

\- "Ple


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor?

B... 52

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Your mother is not quite intelligent

she attempted tried to climb over a clear glass wall to see what’s on the other side!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I read an article about scuba divers who had to clear a septic tank blockage

They must’ve been in some deep shit when they took that job

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Cows can be anywhere, including the sides of roads.

If you ever see one, you'd better **steer** clear

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

She wanted a snowy wedding, so we waited until Christmas.

The ceremony ironically was sunny and clear, but then her 8 inches came that night.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

We got married on Christmas she hoped for a snowy wedding, and they say was clear as could be.

There was 8 inches that night though.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man walks into a bar...

And there’s another bloke sitting at the bar with a Tiny man playing the piano next to him.

The guy that just walked in said, mate, how’d you get that?

Guy at the bar sais, well, there’s a gong over there. You just go over and bang the gong once and a genie comes out. But, catch is, the genie is a bit deaf from the gong going off all the time, and you ha


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's my favourite position you ask?

Behind someone...

With clear handwriting in the exam hall obviously.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

People keep complaining that the picture of the black hole isn't clear enough

They forget that black hole causes compression

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A drunk guy walks into a bar.

He’s already a bit drunk, so he stumbles in and sits down. He yells out,
“Hey bartender! I bet I can fart the star spangled banner!”
The bartender pays no attention to him. A couple hours pass and the guy keeps on drinking. Soon, he yells out again. “Hey bartender! I can fart the star spangled banner!” The bartender comes over and slaps $100 on the counte


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Going up the escalator is a lot like watching a clear night sky.

Because you see many stars.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You need to clear a high bar to prove obstruction

You need a high Barr to clear you of proved obstruction

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE