Chute

Jokes

A terrorist goes skydiving

and when he pulls the chute he explodes.

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I knew a guy who went cliff diving while he was high and forgot to pull his chute.

He died of blunt force trauma.

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I got expelled for making blueprints for a water slide that goes up one side of my university and down the other.

Maybe I shouldn't have started by saying that I wanted to chute up the school.

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If you slide down a sewer pipe, you might get a disease, but you might not.

It's a real crap-chute.

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A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginners class.

“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”

The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”

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Where does Frozone put his laundry?

Down his super chute.

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

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What did the forgetful skydiver say when he jumped out of the plane

Aw chute!

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A plane is about to crash.

Inside there are 4 people and 3 parachutes. The first man says "I am Steph Curry. I am the best NBL player in the world. I cant die for all of my fans." and he takes the first parachute. The next man says "I am Donald Trump, and I am the worlds best president, so I cant die for my country." and jumps with the second parachute. The last two are the Pope and a schoolchild. The Po


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I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

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Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do you know anything about parachutes!", the man shouts back "No, do you know


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A Tourist goes skydiving

A man going on a vacation in Egypt. Knows that they have an exceptional paratrooper division in Egypt since they have no trees and mostly flat land making it very difficult.

So he goes to this skydiving company and says he want to go skydiving and his instructor is this old Egyptian man who used to be a paratrooper obviously very experienced so he and the tourist go through training f


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Man Goes Skydiving for the first time.

The instructor tells him.

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" Now there is nothing to worry about, your Chute is set to open at a set height. If it doesn't open don't Panic Just pull this chord and your Reserve chute will open. When you land there will be a Truck waiting to pick you up.

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Guy is pumped up and goes up in the plane.


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Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.

First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.

Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the smartest president america has ever had, and I’m loved all ove


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George Bush, pope, and little school boy

Are on a plane travelling at heights. Suddenly the captain announces

"Too much weight, we need to lose some"

Unfortunately there is only one parachute.

Then Bush announces

"I am the most brilliant man in the United States, I must survive."

Therefore he crabs a chute and jumps

But that is not enough, s


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Overcoming the fear of parachuting.

A man always wanted to go skydiving, but was never able to gather the courage. He goes to the local airport and inquires about what is involved in the jump.

The manager explainxs the procedure to him -- “We are expert parachute packers, and have never had a failure. We take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You pull the main chute ripcord. It always works.


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My wife told me to give her 12" and make her scream...

So I did her 3 times in the poop chute and wiped my junk on the curtain.
(can't remember where I stole this from)

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The parachute making business must be great!

Because nobody ever comes back to complain about a failed chute!

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The smartest man in the world

was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. "The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two."
With that the pilot puts on the chute and jumps out the door.
Without hesitation o


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A lawyer, a tax collector, a priest and a boyscout are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom and tells the passengers that the plane will soon crash. The pilot says that there are three parachutes available. The lawyer immediately reaches for the first chute bag he sees and jumps out of the plane. The tax collector is next putting a pack on and jumping out. Now that the boyscout and the priest are the only two left in the plane, the boyscout turns to


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A man is being paradropped behind enemy lines.

His task is simple: he is being dropped behind enemy lines to aid the resistance and weaken the enemy from within. He is to parachute down at the edge of the forest. There will be a bike waiting for him at one of the trees, with a bag filled with civilian clothes and the necessary papers. He has to use the bike to get to the nearest town, where he is supposed to meet up with his contact in the loc


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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane

It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman.
The Irishman TOOK OFF H


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A Beautiful Day for a Parachute Jump

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. He pulls the rip cord and nothing happens.....pulls the reserve and nothing... as the earth rapidly approaches he decides that he might as well enjoy the view on the way down.

The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man wi


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Bill and Hilary Clinton, a boy, and an elderly man are on a plane

...when the plane starts going down. Unfortunately there was only 3 parachutes.

Bill says "I was president of the United States so i should take one."
So he grabs a chute and jumps.

Hillary says "I'm the smartest person in the world, so i should go."
So she grabs a chute and jumps.

Then the elderly man says "I'v


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